Amanda

Dear Believers Everywhere

2012-01-15T13:32:00.006-05:00

When did Worship (in the form of music, specifically) become about us?

Never?

Oh, ok, just checking.

I like a good beat.

And hey, it'd be nice to know the songs being sung at services and conferences.

So, of course, I completely respect and secretly wish to be like those that understand music and chords and rifts and harmonies and everything about drums, guitars, basses, keyboards, saxophones, the triangle, and vocals (and if those vocals are good or not AND, we can't forget, how hot those guy vocalists are (cough, excuse me, I mean: How amazingly creative God was in creating those single men of God ;)):P).

And I'm all for doing things in excellence, for sure.

I just remember being in a Church in Texas.

The teaching was amazing...the worship? Well...

There was an old man on the guitar.

An older man singing vocals

Two older women on back up vocals

And I'm pretty sure there was a tambourine that was hit a few times.

It was nothing amazing. The vocals weren't the best.

I wasn't familiar with the songs.

I'm not even sure the guy with the tambourine knew what he was doing.

But I found it to be beautiful.

I was struck with the realization that it wasn't about me.

And I worshiped God with everything that morning.

I'm not saying one way of worship is better than the other. I'm just saying that worship, in music and in everyday life, is not about us. It is glorifying God and singing praise to His name.

In a group of super talented musicians, in a group that could use some work, or in your room singing so loudly and horribly your own dog leaves the room, (of course that hasn't happened to me... :D) it's all beautiful because it's all about Him.

"Paul was the Ultimate Church Hopper"

2012-01-10T13:01:00.006-05:00

Disclaimer: No, I'm not going to be talking about Paul and the fact that he traveled from church to church. I feel like he was more teacher or "missionary" in the early Church. Although, in some individuals' definition of "Church Hopping" he would be considered a pro. ;)

I want to talk about what the definition of Church-Hopping really is.* The term means, "Someone who goes from one church to the other without gaining roots and connections." It means someone who goes from church to church just taking without gaining relationships and giving much of themselves. They generally don't trust those in church or choose to be simply only observers.

But here's the sad thing. I have seen this term placed on people who are a part of a church but visit other churches or even, God-forbid(!), help lead worship at another church. Heck, I have even been called a Church Hopper!

The thing is, these people that fit under the above description are a part of a Church. They love Jesus more than anything. So they want to help other bodies of Believers as well! Or at the very least, visit them!

Please don't get me wrong here. I do believe that you should be a part of a Church that you can be on Mission with. A church that you feel safe under the leadership of and free to love God, love others, and listen to the Holy Spirit and His working in your life while partnering to be the Church around you. That, after-all, is what we are called to do.

It is just sad when terms are twisted into things they are not. People are labeled as having a "rebellious spirit" because they question the way things are done and perceived. To whom are they having a rebellious spirit? To God or to the leadership? Because in all honestly, I'd rather have a rebellious spirit to a human than to God, if the Holy Spirit is the one questioning.

If you are listening to the Holy Spirit and He is calling you to go visit this Church or to help this Believer out, by all means, go! Obviously, if you have obligations you have to stick with them but let's tear down the walls we build between each other.

Honestly, I know Believers whom I love and who are there for me in many different churches. Heck, in many different states and countries! This is just a thought but it may be extremely healthy to visit another church at least once every eight weeks just to see what other Believers in the area are doing! When I was raising support for Thailand I helped a local church with their nursery to gain some extra support money. They were the same people that allowed me to have a spaghetti dinner at their church while raising money for The Honor Academy and afterwards prayed over me! Was I a member of their church? No. But I was a fellow Believer and even though their church since moved to another area I still think and pray for them.

I just think there would be such freedom to live and love if we took the man-made rules off of things. I know I say this all the time but I feel like it's the very thing that will free us all. Learn what the Holy Spirit's voice sounds like and listen to Him. Yes, I believe my destiny is tied to my leader, the leader being Christ. If I felt like my destiny was connected to an earthly leader back as a senior in high school I probably wouldn't have gone to The Honor Academy and later to Thailand. That's just something to think about.

Doesn't it always seem to fall back to learning to hear His voice? It really all should.

*If you'd like to figure out if you're a church hopper or not, here's a Church Hopping Score Card you can grade yourself on by John Acuff. ;)

3 Mini-Revelations

2012-01-05T15:21:00.005-05:00

These are three little revelations I got one night while I was in Florida.

Hearing His Voice
He doesn't get farther, His voice gets quieter as we get to know Him more. What if.
At first, when we get saved we're seeking Him like crazy & he seems to be everywhere. As we grow He doesn't go further away but His voice may seem to get quieter so that we must come closer. But with all the busyness around us we miss that sometimes and don't stop to come close.

Broken Heart

Does our heart need to completely break to get His eyes? If so, though it may hurt, break mine.

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause.."

Don't just break my heart for the kids in Africa, but break my heart of everything I am that isn't You.

Desire, wants, imperfections, fear; refine me through the fire.

Of? In? Which is it?

As Christians, we are so afraid of being of the world that we become religious.

Because of that example, others are so afraid of being religious that they become like the world.

Jesus hung out with the tax collectors and prostitutes but He also said, "Go and sin no more."

Think about it.

Who can trust a heart?

2011-12-27T12:24:00.004-05:00

"Follow your heart." "What's on your heart?" "What's God doing in your heart?" "The war between your heart and your head..." "Don't trust your heart!" "Guard your heart." "Invite Jesus into your heart."

It seems we've come to some confusion here.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)

Above all else, guard your heart,

for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Maybe it's not so much that all hearts can't be trusted. Maybe it's that our heart, without His ways becoming our ways, can't be trusted. Maybe, just maybe, it's trading our heart in for His.

¹⁵ The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:

¹⁶ “This is the covenant I will make with them

after that time, says the Lord.

I will put my laws in their hearts,

and I will write them on their minds.”^[a]

¹⁷ Then he adds:

“Their sins and lawless acts

I will remember no more.”^[b]

¹⁸ And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

¹⁹ Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰ by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, ²¹ and since we have a great priest over the house of God, ²² let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. ²³ Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:15-23

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your^[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4

Who's in Control, Anyhow?

2011-10-29T01:43:00.008-04:00

I'm coming to find that a loss of control is the most freeing thing in the world.

I have been falling so much further in love with God and His heart lately! I've really tried to take this month to soak myself in His Word instead of the opinions and views of everyone around me. (Twitter: 140 characters or less and you become a self-proclaimed expert. ;D) At the same time, Pastor Jimmy has been going through the entire Bible (in 7 weeks;) i think? But don't let that fool you - the messages are incredible) including a Sunday night class to answer questions anyone has on the content of the morning. Those two mixed together have been such a refreshment! I can't explain how many revelations I've had on God's heart and Israel and just the beauty of Romans 11 and us being grafted in & just so much! I'm sorry to anyone that I've talked to and whose ear had to listen to my rants! :)

There is so much freedom found when you find the heart of God! My joy has been restored to me! No, nothing circumstantial has changed, but the way I see things has and it's all because God is my focus. We ultimately see in part, but He sees the whole. So why would we expect to see color when we're focused on the gray? And honestly, you can tell if your relationship with God is suffering because every other area in your life starts to.

I also noticed that every time my focus goes back to God He reconfirms where He has me and what He has called me to! In my mess I can have so much doubt and confusion but when He gets the focus and glory once again everything becomes clear. He truly lights our path!

But God is funny in that He doesn't normally show us detail by detail of how that is going to play out. All He does is confirm in more and more beautiful ways everything He has been showing us along the way and challenges us to trust Him with everything. I find so much freedom in letting go. I guess it's the melancholy in me, but I would love nothing more than to know step by step what God would have me do so that I can follow it piece by piece, to the T. But as people have told me at different times in my life when I've needed to hear it, "Where would the fun in that be?! Where would the faith be?"

Sometimes I take myself too seriously. Sometimes God is trying to say, "Relax. Be faithful in every season I give you, but enjoy it! Looking to me will give you the perspective you need and my joy will carry you through every season! Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge & submit to me and I will make your paths straight! (Proverbs 3:5-6)" He really is wonderful and when we trust Him and let go of the "control" we feel we have on our lives He will take us on the most amazing adventure we could ever imagine!

Perfect in Design

2011-10-28T17:54:00.006-04:00

I'm not sure I'm thrilled (Currently, the lies and facts I believe are at war with what God is doing in my heart.) but the Lord has been giving me such an appreciation for marriage and the journey that God intended it to be. It really is such a beautiful picture and adventure with God! Obviously, I read Captivating and Wild at Heart which probably played more than a role in these thoughts.

I've been finding it so mesmerizing when I think about how God wired men and women each and how perfectly the picture fits together, done right. Men ask, "Do I have what it takes?" If they try to find that answer in a girl they will never completely measure up. Men are meant to pursue and go on an adventure. But unless they go on an adventure and find their sense of strength with God first, they won't be able to pursue and lead a woman.

Women ask, "Am I lovely/worth it?" In the same way, if they look for the answer to that question in men they will never fully find it. A woman must find her identity and worth in God before she can ever be life-giving and secure with a man.

But done right, these questions answer each other once they've been answered in our Creator! Once we find our worth and strength in Christ it gives us freedom to answer each others questions. "Do I have what it takes?" is answered perfectly in the way a woman wants to be pursued and found lovely. "Am I lovely?" is answered magically in the way a man is designed to pursue! It is one of the most beautiful pictures of how God created us that I have ever seen!

And the wonderful part is that women not only want to be an adventure to capture but they want to go on the adventure, too, with their husband! We as women were created for adventure, too! A husband is shown as strength but a woman is his "help-meet" which actually means "lifesaver" in the Bible! I mean, what the crap, God is amazing in His designing! (Haha, this is why I don't think I could make a blog professional... :P)

I've been reading a blog about a couple and their kids who are now in Uganda in the process of adopting their new little Ugandan girl! :) After many bumps along the way, they had their court date with the judge today. The judge was Muslim and they are obviously a Christian couple so they were praying for favor in his sight. It came time to answer the judges questions. They had agreed that the husband would answer the questions if the judge had no preference, but instead the judge called the wife to answer the questions. Her husband, who was writing the blog, couldn't stop explaining how proud he was of his wife! She was strong, unwavering, and confident even when the judge asked what her husband did and she had to answer, "Evangelist: he tells people about Jesus." I couldn't help but cry as I was reading the post. Not only because of the Lord's outstanding faithfulness but also through the team that they were together through this new adventure in their lives. The Lord was doing a work so amazing in the adventure they were on!

Many girls plan and dream about their wedding day. I, myself, can start "oohing" and "awing" if I allow myself but that's not what I'm excited about. I'm excited about the adventure that comes after, the adventure of each new season, working alongside someone in what God is doing and has called you both to do. Until then, I'm excited about the adventure I get to go on with God! It's a beautiful thing, to be alive in Christ, to have your worth found in Him and to walk forward confidently in where He is leading you. He is faithful in all things.

Find me faithful.

2011-10-04T03:09:00.005-04:00

It's 3AM and one of those nights that sleep is becoming increasingly unattainable as the night goes on (and I didn't even have caffeine today!). The more that I've been thinking, the more I've felt the need to blog.

I've always been a "glass half-full" type of person. Something I've never had to fight for was joy and silliness. But lately, it's been stolen from me. I honestly can't find it most of the time. I see beauty in things but my joy has been stolen, mercilessly. Through self-inflicted circumstances, circumstances out of my control, and ones somewhere in between I have become increasingly discouraged. These aren't things I'm about to share for the world to see but at times I just feel defeated.

But knowing that and taking the mask off long enough to ask for prayer, encouragement, and truth spoken in love, I want to fight against the Enemy's schemes. There are some circumstances I can do nothing about but pray to become a thermostat instead of a thermometer. And there are others that I can fight a little more personally. I can only work on me, and that's plenty enough.

A pastor came up to me a month or so after I came back from Thailand and asked me if I was going through debriefing since being back. He said that he used to take a lot of short-term mission trips and organized a lot of them. He saw many people come back and fall into either ruts or sin once being back. While he was talking I thought about how it was for me. I was going through what I can best describe as Identity Crisis because it was hard for me to explain how it was for me there and be back, settling in. But once I got through that stage I thought the worst was over. But I've come to find there's another piece to debriefing.

The "what now?" piece. I didn't realize this would be so difficult for me but it really is. This is one of those areas that I can fight a little more personally in. Next semester I plan to go to JCC to take classes to eventually get a degree in Journalism. There are some details in this process that are becoming a little disheartening but I can work on what I can work on and trust that God works out everything else. The important part is doing what I can do and being a faithful steward in that.

I pray that this is the road God would have me go down. Sometimes I'm not confident in that. I'm torn between questioning if I'm doing what God wants or just making everyone and their mom happy that I'm finally doing what's smart and normal by getting a degree. But more than anything, I just want to look to what God thinks instead of everyone's opinions. I'll keep moving forward and pray God's strength will show up in my weakness.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that holding up a mask to your face is tough but living defeated is even tougher. Both are not what I want. I am determined to fight for my joy until it's back again. I am determined to do what I can and be a faithful steward with the small amount that He has given me in this season...and be faithful enough to multiply that ten-fold.

From a Thai Heart to Mine...He Fights

2011-08-20T22:25:00.005-04:00

Sitting in a taxi in Vietnam, my friend Johanna from Germany told me a story she experienced while in Thailand. She had been working for close to 8 months as a short time worker helping church plant in central Thailand. I met her when she had come up to Chiang Mai to fill in the Dorm Assistant role as they waited for Emma and I to come to Thailand. Actually now, thinking back, if the process hadn't taken so long on this end, I would have potentially never met her! Can't say I wish I would have gotten there sooner, just because of that! :)

First you need to know some background of the Thai people and culture. They are very closed people...the sweetest people in the world, a land full of smiles, but tend to be more reserved in who they open up to. So she, another missionary there, and a thai woman were sitting, talking. It takes a while to build relationships with most Thais because they are so reserved. But finally they were breaking through with this woman. She was completely broken, crying, exposing her heart and the hurts found there. Then her husband came up. She quickly put on her sunglasses, composed herself, and said hello, acting like everything was fine!

That blew my German friend away! We had joked that Germans tend to be very bold and willing to say what's on their mind. She told me that she couldn't believe that this woman wouldn't even open up to her husband!

I sat imagining how the scene played out. I put myself in her shoes and realized that I would probably do the exact same thing. Obviously, I would hope that I'd be closer to my husband then that but knowing who I am now, if a man walked up to a conversation I was having with some sisters and I was crying my eyes out, pouring my heart out, I'd shut up real quick and pretend everything was fine.

I've been reading Captivating over the last couple days. My heart hurts with women like the Thai lady and women everywhere who struggle with the very heart-crys they have hidden. They have convinced themselves that who they are is not enough, that who they are is too much, and that they are simply not worth fighting for. As I was reading this book I felt so close to the Thai I had never met. I pray that she is continuing to open her heart and has found Christ trustworthy.

"Back off or, Leave her alone, or, You don't really want to go there--she's too much for you is something Satan has set against every woman from the day of her birth. It's the emotional and spiritual equivalent of leaving a little girl by the side of the road to die. And to every woman he has whispered, You are alone, or, When they see who you really are, you will be alone, or, No one will ever truly come for you."

-A Special Hatred (Chapter 5), Captivating

John was speaking there. He was speaking from a man's perspective and then shifting to the Enemy's lies to a woman. I think that is what haunts us as females. The Enemy tells us, through our experiences, our past, and our circumstances, that we are not enough, that we are too much, and not worth fighting for. And so some women hide. It's easier to expect no one will fight for you then to put yourself out there and be disappointed and abandoned once again. It's how we think.

Our hearts are a mystery, even a mystery to ourselves, because they have the capacity to hold so much love and beauty and thoughts and dreams. But once our little hearts have been rejected or misused we don't know what to do with our heart! Others don't know how to handle it and we don't either so we must hide our hurt and our emotion.

I guess I should keep reading. :) I haven't quite grasped how to completely heal from these kind of attacks but I'm beginning to understand who I was created to be and to not be ashamed of that. God is good....understatement of the day. :)

He delights in me and that's reason enough!

2011-08-19T22:29:00.007-04:00

God pursues us when we don't even realize it. It blows my mind.

Captivating, the book, had been sitting on my shelf in my room. It was missing for a while...I wasn't sure if I had lent it to someone and it was gone or what, but for a while I didn't have it. Then, over the last couple days I saw it on my shelf as if begging for me to pick it up and read it! So last night I did. I was in a sort of indifferent/humorous mood. I had just deactivated my Facebook, told the world of Twitter that it was very possible I was PMSing, was thinking about how I probably think too much and say too much, and was sitting on my bed looking at the book calling my name. So, I gave in and picked it up and started reading.

God must have a lot left He needs to work on me about because it was like I was reading it for the first time and not the bajillionth (it feels :D). I'm only two chapters in but shoot, it's good.

Today: hung out with Emily, had some awesome conversations like we always do...talked about the book, about being a woman in this world and the shame that can come with that, and just had some good discussion. Then I went to Joyce Meyer's with Michelle and got to catch up with her some!

God spoke to me even before Joyce got up to speak! We were worshiping about how good God was and my thoughts drifted towards my tweet that said, "I'm pretty sure it's completely normal to delete your Facebook from time to time...or maybe I'm just PMSing." torn between laughing and thinking maybe that was on the borderline of too much information ;). Right away, I shunned myself for allowing my mind to drift while I was worshiping but God just as soon engulfed me in His love! He delights in me! That truth began to seep into everything that I was, in that moment, into everything that I've felt, into my insecurity, into it all. The book, Captivating, talks about how a little girl went up to everyone asking them if they wanted to hear her song and she began singing it. She wanted to be delighted in, unashamedly. She didn't even think that she could be interrupting what someone was doing, no one had ever told her that, she just expected to be delighted in!

He was telling me in that moment that He delights in me! That He delights in me for who I am! He delights in my weakness! He delights in the fact that I would tell all of twitter that it's possible I'm PMSing because I crave authenticity and don't want to fit into this perfect box! He delights that I have high convictions and I'm doing my best to learn how to live between the two! He delights in who I am because He has made me and saved me from myself! He doesn't always agree with my wanderings or my choices but He loves me (even while He disciplines and teaches ;))! He delights in me despite the fact that I think too much and probably say too much! He delights in me because I turn back to Him!

He has delighted in me since He created me, I am sure of it! I see how He has specifically done things in my life to bring me to where I am now. He delighted in me even when I was crushed and didn't see Him. He delighted in me when I was a little middle school-er who asked the youth pastor if I could go to both the middle school and high school services because I wanted more of God even while I was dealing with so many insecurities and struggles. He has delighted in me because He looks at the heart and He knew deep down I wanted Him but I was easily swayed. He has delighted in me because He knows my potential, because He doesn't see as I see. He delights despite my weakness because His strength can be made perfect in it!

I basically just got blasted with the truth that God delights in me. It wasn't just a feeling but a truth that finally hit me. I may not feel beautiful most days, but HE delights in me! I may allow fear to control my life sometimes (what Joyce spoke on tonight) but He delights in me because I turn back to Him! I may think too much but He delights in me and He's teaching me to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. I may realize I don't always trust Him when He doesn't do what I want Him to but He delights in me because He knows I want to and that I'm falling more in love with His character! He delights in me because I am His daughter.

It's just...unfathomable. He created us to be in relationship with Him, to delight in Him and He in us. Then sin came and obviously we are all born in sin and it ruins everything. But then Christ came and mended things so we can be in relationship once again! And in each of our lives He is pursuing us because He sees our potential...we only see in part but He sees the entire thing! He pursues us because He created us, because we are His workmanship.

I may not have it all together but I'm not supposed to. I am not perfect, I have a hard time trusting, not everyone likes me (I'm sure), I may not be able to fix things, I may have a lot of weaknesses, but He delights in me because the more I become authentic, the more He can work in me! I am created to love God with everything that I am, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength. And that, I can do. I may not be able to do much, I may be a work in progress, but I can love Him and spend my life loving Him, delighting in Him, and he delighting in me. And through that love, I can love others, and delight in the beauty that's inside them! That's what I want my life to be marked by. I want to know that I am so delighted in and by my God that everyone around me will see the difference in me and want this love that we were all created for.

Psalm 34:4-5

I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.

(it's such a God-thing that I thought of these verses...I didn't even realize the word "fear" was in it (what Joyce Meyer spoke on tonight!) but I remembered it had "radiant" in it and for whatever reason God wanted me to look it up! Ha, He's amazing :))

He Has Given Me a New Name

2011-08-01T16:09:00.005-04:00

"Ruin-er of Good Things" was a name I had in my past.

That does not mean it's a name I will carry into my future.

Jacob is a guy in the Bible that I feel I relate with more times then not. He was the passive-mama's boy who did what he was told and stole the birthright and blessing from his brother. Personality-wise I relate with him. I would rather please people then start arguments. I go with the flow before I stop and think, "hm, maybe I should say something here." So I feel I can somewhat understand his viewpoint as I read his story in Genesis.

Once the deed was done and Jacob had the birthright and blessing Isaac, the father of Esau and Jacob, didn't want them to marry someone outside the Israelite people. Esau had already married a couple Canaanite women. So Isaac is like, "OK, I have the birthright like my mom told me and now I better go do what dad says (He might be still pissed I stole that birthright...mom and him are still "talking" on that one. ;)) I'm kidding, that's not in there, but really, what would YOUR family look like if that had happened?!

But while he was on his way to the place his father had sent him to find a stand-up woman, he had a dream about a ladder reaching to the heavens and angels of God were ascending and descending on it and the Lord stood above it and spoke to him! I heard a pastor in Thailand suggest that it was then that his relationship with God really became real to him. Before then he was just following orders...but it was then, when God spoke to him that he realized that God really was for him and it became his own.

Now fast forward a little. Jacob had married Leah and Rachel and lots of drama went down with that. And lots more drama with how he became so prosperous but God took care of that (you can read it - Genesis 29-31). But let's get to Genesis 32. Esau is coming for him. Remember Esau, the one that was supposed to have the birthright and blessing? The one that was still pretty pissed at him for stealing it? Well, Jacob's past is about to catch up to him. Things unresolved always have a way of finding you out.

As I would be, Jacob is scared out of his mind. He knows their history...he knows how furious Esau was last time they saw each other and I don't think he was thinking "absence makes the heart grow fonder" in this case. So he's pleading with God, sending gifts ahead, trying it all, to fix this.

What I LOVE about this story is what happens next. That night Jacob wrestles with God! All night! Now, I don't know all the reasonings and theological back-up for this passage, though I want to learn...I bet it's amazing! But I love it, non the less! Jacob had been freaking out all day...and then he wrestles with someone who ends up being God! He wouldn't let go of God until He had blessed him. God gives him a limp and a new name. These are the facts.

To me, this is beautiful. Jacob's past is about to come up to his face. He had been crying out to God and then God wrestles with Him. I really don't know why God gave Jacob a limp but to me, it's a reminder. I have failed in my past. I have been a "Ruin-er of Good Things". And I get scared when it comes back...because I don't know how to fix it apart from God. And so I have wrestled with Him. And God has shown me things through it.

I think the things that scar us aren't meant to go away for good. We are meant to carry them with us in the right light. God gave Jacob the limp...maybe as a reminder of the pain he caused Esau, maybe as a reminder of how good God is, I don't know. But He gave it to him. Sometimes others hurt us. Sometimes we hurt others. But the beauty of God is that He gives us a new name. The Jacob that stole from his brother, that was a people pleaser, that really didn't "deserve" any of the blessings that God gave him because of his past and the things that defined him, was given a new name, Israel.

Don't let the names of your past define you. Sometimes we don't find God without the pain. But when God meets with us, He changes us. He calls us by a new name and gives us a new identity, because that's who He is.

And you know what the best part of the story is?

This...

But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.

Genesis 33:4

The Authentic List

2011-07-30T16:23:00.009-04:00

The need for authenticity has been screaming out of my pores lately. I guess it's because sitting at a hole in the wall restaurant with rats the size of cats running around, listening to one our guys talking to a Vietnamese man who has no purpose, has a heart for so many things but continues to run his life into the ground, trusts no one, and ultimately believes life is meant for getting all the pleasure he can get, changes your perspective. I guess it's because reading about a dude that will just get up and travel across the country with nothing more than a car he got the night before to find faith and share his raw faith with others gets me pumped up. I guess it's because I'm tired of seeing people go after a picture of what Christianity is supposed to be while missing the entire point.

So I'm making an Authentic List. No, it's not going to be a laundry list of my sins or some melodramatic cry for help. I just want to be real. And I want all of us to be real. I want to stop being shallow, asking how you are doing without really going deeper. I don't want to be apathetic to the cries around me nor stuck in my lack of vulnerability which blinds me to see anything but my own problems.

So here goes. My authentic list:

1. When I get really angry at my sister I sometimes cuss at her. Ha. Anyone that knows me would never see me doing that but it happens. It's funny that your family is probably the only people you are completely raw with, the people that see you with your guard down and your fists up. Again, this is not meant to be a laundry list of sin but I'm tired of things being hidden and never fixed. In me.

2. Maybe it's just my personality but unless I'm really close to you, you won't know if I'm having a bad day. Even if I just had a meltdown in the car or just was in a fight with a family member, I will put on a happy face and put it in a storage unit in the back of my mind to go back to later. That's just natural for me. I tend to feel that you don't want to hear about my crap; I tend to want to help everyone else without showing what's going on in me.

3. I'm not a "go-getter". Jumping at what God wants me to do in the big ways is easy for me but I struggle with the daily things. This is why going back to school is a struggle for me. Send me back across the world? I'm all for it! But put me in a classroom of mundane and I'm afraid I might suffocate. ;D Discipline. It's one of those things I'm trying to work on. ;) If it's not something big, I have to push myself.

4. If we're really being real...I have a hard time trusting guys. Haha. I mean, read my previous blog if you want to be clued in. :D I'll tell you what I want to do in life, I'll share with you how great God is, but step closer and I will turn into Miss. Independent. Natural reaction. I'll trust that you're terrific. I'll trust that God has huge plans for you. But it'll take a lot to open up my heart. Hehe, not that I have guys throwing rocks at my window or anything but if I do get a Future Husband (fingers crossed ;)), I always joked God would have to make it extremely clear & surprise me from behind, haha.

5. I make a noise when I sleep (tired of the deep stuff ;D). I've done it since I was little. Since I was little I would put my fist to my cheek and use it to bite my cheek & make a "YI-ee-yI." Oh yeah, I make for a fun roommate. ;) In Vietnam we slept in the same room with the guys in the village we went to with just a curtain and some space separating us. I was on the end closest to the dudes. Rodney, who was our leader, woke up because of me. I'm like, what the crap, God? Can I be cured?? Haha, it makes for some good ol' humility and embarrassment. I guess it's like loud snoring but I don't snore!! No fair! And as soon as you kick me I stop. Crap. I'm never getting a husband. Stupid authentic list. I'm going to open up a coffee shop called "Spinsters for Life Coffee". That'll sure bring in the customers. ;)

6. I love Jesus. How's that for authentic? Like, the gospel trips me up EVERY TIME! And I'll be sad if it ever stops! I don't think you can properly explain the Gospel without the "doom" that comes before. Without it, you' feel you deserve the righteousness of God instead of being blown away that someone could wash away everything we've ever done. It's nothing that we could have done! We are wretched creatures and our hearts are deceitful above all things(Jeremiah 17:9). We can't choose God on our own (No, this is neither a Calvinist reference nor an Arminius reference. I follow Christ, not man.) (can't find the verse that backs it up, but it's there). It's because He first chose us! If we understand our depravity and call on Him, turning away from our old way, He will surely be with us! It's beautiful!

7. I get annoyed with Christians that pretend everything is ok. (Hehe, I think I'm speaking to myself, aren't I? :D) We all do it. I just get tired of seeing everything look nice on the outside and then it being hidden when things do go wrong. Authenticity, humility, vulnerability, and accountability. That is all I will say. Please, never get sucked into an "image" of what a Christian is supposed to look like. You will drown and probably take others with you. Seek God and stay accountable and vulnerable.

8. Criticism in the body of believers. I'm not talking about when things are tested; I'm talking about being critical. Don't get that confused, for sure! But there is also a saying that says, "If they'll talk about others in front of you, they'll talk about you in front of others." I don't know if it's a saying or if I just made it up, but you get the point (It sounds good enough for "them" to say it, right? ;)). It's in the heart. If discernment comes out of a heart of love then great, but if it comes from judgment, FLEE before the devil gets ya! ;) Love everyone till it hurts.

Hm. I think authentically speaking, I'm worn out. But hopefully this is a good start. And I hope it challenges others to be authentic too. 7 and 8 aren't supposed to be just annoyances but I'm challenged to go deeper with things and not let them just sit. I want to love others. I want my friends to be people that are defined by their love for Christ and their love for others. It starts when we are raw, when we are the real deal and when we come to the end of ourselves and let Him have our messed up lives and ways of thinking. I'd rather you cuss if that is to you, authentic. I don't care what you look like, I care that you are being radically changed by God, each and every day and through that change working along side Him in what He's doing.

Be different because God's working in you, not because it's what you're supposed to look like.

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Don't be like the world just to run away from the Christians that are hypocrites.

I think the line between those two statements can only be found in authenticity and dependency on God. Let's be real and change things.

Love in Freedom

2011-07-29T21:58:00.004-04:00

The things that I have let define me have never been based on truth.

I have defined myself based on my perception of what other people saw and how they reacted towards me.

Love has been something that must be earned, although I never actually thought I'd receive it.

When I experienced rejection from someone that meant the world to me I felt worthless. Who they said I was, the "worth" they found in me became the limitations I put on myself. The rejection at such a young age became my truth, and so I hid.

My outlet from the hiding became writing. I always felt that it was safe to share my struggles, my thoughts, and ultimately my heart to a screen. I could detach myself from the idea that others could actually read my words and so I found safety in the unfolding of myself through a keyboard.

But sharing my heart in words, with someone face to face? Absolutely never. Maybe a piece here and there, but other than close sisters in Christ, that could never be done. My heart had been rejected, who I was had been rejected. The bottom line that he told me was: "You are not enough." So that is what I carried with me.

God used that to shelter me. I sought Him in the desert that those harsh words brought me to. He became my everything in those moments, my identity, my refuge. He used that to grow me and teach me in wisdom and insight. I was able to use that platform in the wilderness to share with others and see things from an outward perspective and therefore grow in ways I never would have.

But even through that, I still struggled with who I was and what real love was. To me, it was ultimately God. God is love. Everyone who went to Sunday school could tell you that. Easy. God loves me regardless. That was a truth I knew backwards and forwards. Then why was it so hard for me to accept His love when I messed up? Why was it so hard to feel worthy of His love? I knew the truth upside down and all around, right? So why could I never make the cut?

It's because I never understood that God loves in freedom. A brother of mine said that on our trip in Vietnam. God loves, regardless. It doesn't matter how the other person will respond or the amount of rejection He may face. He loves because that's who He is. He just is and He just loves. He is not limited by how people see Him or how He measures up to someone. I actually think the biggest example of unrequited love is shown between He and the world...and yet He loves regardless. It amazed me and still does to think on.

That truth began to take root in my heart. I still don't know how to best grow it and nurture it but I am studying and learning every day.

My name means "worthy of love". I always joke that God really does have a sense of humor (and also the sweetest, dearest daddy heart ever) to have named me Amanda. It is the single hardest thing I struggle with. Your worth is found in your identity. My self-worth was never up to par because I lived in the limitations and lens I saw through, which seemed to shaped me. Love is not self-seeking. I'm worthy of love even if I have nothing to give? Even if I'm not "enough" by unseen and seen standards? I'm worthy of God, who is love, and the other forms of love that shape the world?

So my journey is far from finished in the learning department. I'm being challenged to love in freedom...to expose myself for who I am no matter the rejection I feel I may face on the other side. I want to learn to be vulnerable and trust God that He will continue to provide the words that I feel that I sometimes verbally lack. He has given me a heart for so many things that I don't feel near equipped for, but worth in Christ becomes exactly what's needed in each situation.

I'm also being challenged to love other people in freedom! My heart is to see people the way God sees them: beautiful and unique in their way! It's almost like I want a jump-start every single day I wake up or I'll forget. Life is so beautiful and yet so broken! The world needs love...love in truth, love with guts, and love in freedom. I want to see outside myself so I can love others with a kind of love that changes things.

Prosperity, Covenants, and the World?

2011-07-15T02:26:00.004-04:00

We each are given a different cross to bear...some of us may never experience poverty - I mean, we're Americans, of course not, right?? Even those that are really struggling don't even come close to most of the world.

What if your cross to bear is becoming rich? What if that is the hardest cross to bear of them all? The Bible says that money is the root of all evil. It's because money becomes our master. It's an obvious truth if we have an entire gospel centered around it! If God wants to bless US then we can keep it, we can live extravagantly. But, what if our cross to bear is God blessing us so that we can turn around and give it all away?! There is a world bigger than America, full of people that are far below the poverty line that we Americans have. I am not saying that providing for their physical needs is more important than providing for their spiritual needs but, faith without works is dead. What I am saying is that God has a heart for the WORLD to come back to Him, so what if the cross we have to bear is essentially providing the funds for that to be accomplished even if it means denying ourselves of what He has given us?

Being wealthy is not wrong if God has provided us with the platform to be there. But with great power comes great responsibility (name that movie quote! ;D). Half the world thinks Americans are prideful and self-centered (I learned ;)) and it's probably because we've been blessed worldly. As Christians living in America, we have a responsibility to give to the least of these and partner with God in ministering the Gospel to the world.

This is why I firmly believe it is biblical to become righteously angry at the injustice going on around us and even corrupting the Church. Jesus "threw down" in the temple when the people were selling things in the temple, corrupting what was supposed to be a place of prayer. He knew the hearts of the people and he got angry at the sin.

It says, "In your anger, do not sin." It doesn't say. "Don't get angry, but instead act like everything is okay, always have a smile on, and think positively every second because we don't want to offend anyone." Haha, you get my point. ;)

I have to be honest, I have become righteously angry again. God is confirming His calling on my life over and over, it seems. I have a little too much fire in me to stay content and sit back while I see truth being misinterpreted. But, He's also teaching me how to control that and pray instead of criticize. The reason why it brings me to tears is because it boils down to the Gospel. It's not because I'm judging or criticizing people and having a "negative" attitude, but it's because the beautiful Gospel is being slandered. He died because we sinned and we desperately needed saving! It's beautiful because it's the grandest show of restoration! And we are called to take up our crosses, to die to ourselves so that HE can live through us! That can either be through us financially being blessed so we can be a blessing to those in need and further His Kingdom (what is His Kingdom but His Gospel expanded into the ends of the earth?) or us selling everything and GOING into the ends of the earth to live and minister to those who have never heard of the magnificent Restoration.

I feel that He has called me to a mixture of both. I have both a heart for the unreached people of the world and the church of America. I think I am called to what's called Mobilization. I want to see the American Church take the stand we have been given, come together, and use our platform to reach the world. I have a heart for helping people understand God's heart for the world and finding their place in it. I could see myself eventually being full-time on the mission field living alongside a people group but what really gets me going is to see others get the fire so that we can start a massive awakening in the Church and then in the world!

I think that is why I get so righteously angry at the prosperity Gospel that has so taken the American church by storm! Because what it does is it takes the focus off God and His heart for the world and puts it on the American "me-me-me" mentality of God blessing us for us! Do you notice that for the most part it is found in our Western world? It's simply because it wouldn't fly in third world countries! How do you go into a country where they are simply the poorest of poor and tell them that God is going to bless them if they obey Him? What happens when He doesn't?! They begin to ask, "Where are you, God?" If we in America ask that question, how much more so would they?!?

And at what cost are we reaching people if it's by those means? What Gospel are they truly hearing if it's about God blessing them? Sure, it brings the people in and they "accept Him" but who are they really accepting? Take for instance the verse Deuteronomy 8:18 which starts by saying, "You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the power to get wealth..." I just read a pastor stopping at the part, portraying that God gives us the power to get wealth. But, sadly, he failed to take into context the actual verse and read the rest. The rest says, "...that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day." Here is where it gets me fired up! During that time God made many covenants to Abraham and his descendants that would say, "If you do this and this and obey me, I will bless you and your descendants." So that is what He was talking about during this time period. If they remembered God, instead of turning away from Him like they kept doing time and time again, God would bless them and show them as an example to...GET THIS...the WORLD!

Boom! That's the point! Then when Christ came, He became the New Covenant. His atonement was made so that our sins would be forgiven! That if we realize our sin and our depravity and Christ becomes our everything, we will be saved...and blessed! But...it doesn't stop there...because what did Christ speak on?! He, being the New Covenant that we are under, taught to deny ourselves. He taught to take up our cross and follow Him. He said that a man must hate his mother, father, family, even himself more than Christ and follow Him.

He also taught to love radically...He taught to give to the least of these. He said that in this world we will face many troubles but to take heart for He has overcome the world!

So why does the Prosperity Gospel get me righteously angry? Because it's a Gospel that teaches us to sit under a covenant that we no longer live under and calls it Jesus. I'm sorry, but to me, that's eternally dangerous.

Roads

2011-04-27T12:58:00.004-04:00

There comes a point in everyones life where they must choose. They must choose which road they are going to go down. They may not know where it will lead next or even what direction they are going. But, there does come a point when they must choose the High Road or the Easy Road. It's not even necessarily between the High Road and The Road to Destruction, but between roads a little less obvious, roads that begin in their heart and flow out into their actions. Roads that don't come from an act but out of a lifestyle.

And even when you've chosen The High Road road & learned how much it will cost you, you begin to see the much better way. You begin to see the beauty hidden by the pain. You begin to see the layers that you are taking off yourself that you felt were comfort but were really just holding you back & holding you down. It hurts to take those layers off but when you have become completely bare, in need of Someone to re-clothe you & guide you to higher grounds, it is the grandest renewal and rebirth of all.

But, be careful of the Easy Road. Even those who claim to be on the Higher Road are there. They are deceived because the true test to see which road a person is on is within the heart, which can be SO easily hardened. And the trick with The Easy Road is that it seems wonderful at first...you get both cravings from this world and drops from the Higher Road above you. But pretty soon you won't go for the bits that come down from Higher Road because you'll get your cravings from underneath. The Easy Road seems wonderful until before you know it, you are heading right for The Road to Destruction, which is the worst of them all.

And you know what's sad? No matter how much you try, you can't take people with you to the Higher Road...they have to want it themselves. But, sometimes, comfort is hard to leave. And a heart hardened for long has lost it's ability to be molded.

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Amazing message - A friend from last year messaged me this following video. After listening to it, my perspectives began to take a drastic turn. Sometimes you can be going through the right motions & realize that in your heart of hearts, you are still on The Easy Road. Yes, He's gracious & takes you places, but it's your heart He is interested in. And, your heart can be so hard to detect because we do our best to keep the deepest parts of our hearts hidden...when that's ALL God looks at. Kinda scary, right? Things that we feel like we're holding onto & don't know how to let them ago are in the exact places He's looking at. And yet we allow ourselves to go through it time and time again. ....Please watch this...it's amazing...longer than a regular 45 minute message but worth so much more!

Full Version: http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000096973
-Along the tabs at the top go to the one that says, "Archived Messages," scroll down to the 03/01/11

Edited (shorter and less quality)- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4WSe5tK_2Y

Extremes

2011-04-20T23:36:00.003-04:00

I've noticed that we are a people of extremes.

For instance, Thai people wish to be white in the same way Americans wish to be tan. They have whitening cream and they think people are in a higher value system who are lighter because it means they have better jobs in a building where they are not in the sun, whereas the people who are darker generally work outside in the sun. While we have tanning beds and bronzer and all else to make us darker. We always want what we don't have.

Even as girls and guys we tend to have extremes. Males are supposed to exhibit strength to the world. Sadly, this can be distorted into doubts of strength which can lead to either passive men who have given up or over-aggressive men and force their anger out onto the world. I have seen even cases where both are evident at one time.

Women are supposed to exhibit beauty to the world. Sadly, this can too be distorted, especially in the western culture. Self-worth has been deteriorating in our lives the more and more "perfect people" have been lifted up. Girls who struggle with self-worth normally go one of two ways. They either hide any inch of beauty from the world because they feel they don't have it or they throw themselves at men to cope with their feelings of self-worth. They try to find their self-worth in men over and over again.

In the Christian life there are extremes as well. I think the main trap Christians fall into is the Legalism or Lawlessness extreme. People normally fall prey to the legalism extreme when they have either just became a Christian and want to do it "right" or when they have had a revelation on a verse like Matthew 7:21 and see from then on in a totally different light. I sometimes fall prey to the legalism side because I want to do things exactly how God wants them to be done. Regardless of the fact that I'm neither Calvinist or Arminius, I still want exactly what He wants. :D But an important thing to remember for the Legalistic is that everything we do must come from a spirit of Love and not of Judgment. Those who struggle with this confuse condemnation for conviction...they often condemn themselves when they should just feel convicted and move on.

The other trap is Lawlessness....too MUCH Freedom in Christ. Often people found here feel they can do a lot of things because they have "freedom in Christ." They often go more towards the tolerance side and hate any ounce of "judgment". It often leads to weakening your testimony because you let too many things slide or don't stand up for what you believe because you don't want to "judge". People here also confuse conviction with condemnation. They feel that when they are convicted, they are being condemned and so automatically throw it away. This can be dangerous because before you know it, you can be sliding into sin.

Both can be dangerous traps to fall into and both are extremes. In the middle you find actual Freedom in Christ. There is a balance that we must find as Christians if we're really going to live like Christ and shine that light to those around us. There is a serious stance that we need to carry as believers that would be dangerous to let tolerance into. America especially has become all about tolerance. Now, a right dose of tolerance is right...tolerance for people in general...but when it comes down to it we as Christians need to know where we stand and stand firm in it. But an important factor comes in here: love. Everything that overflows from us must come from love and not judgment. But through that love we stand firm...there is a such thing as tough love and discipleship. "He disciplines those that He loves."

But the Freedom in Christ comes when we realize what the verses below really are saying. Yes, we must have a higher conviction then those unbelievers around us because we are set apart. But there is true freedom in Christ because in our weakness He is strong. Because of grace, should we go on sinning or living a lifestyle that is not pleasing to the Lord? By no means! But He comes to where we are and lifts us out of the pit, but there must be a response in us, a heart change, a realization of our need, our hopelessness without Christ, and then confess and turn away from that sin, giving everything to Him. It's more than a little prayer and more than God wanting to give you a bright future...He MUST be our future, without Him, we are helpless!

And these extremes become even bigger issues when they get into the Church. We've all seen churches that are all about Legalism...the preacher preaching about Fire and Brimstone, the congregation sticking up their noses at the "sinners", and the church staying as us 4 and no more. But the same is sadly true on the other side. I've seen churches that, I wouldn't go as far to say are lawless, but that are going more towards the tolerance side. This can be just as deadly as the Legalistic side, if not more. The reason this can be so deadly is because the more black and white turns to grey, the more lines become unseen and the more anything goes. The more the focus becomes on bringing people in, the temptation to become carnal becomes greater. And why can this be so dangerous? Because it can tamper with what the Gospel really says and therefore tamper with the heart change God brings, because without a complete reliance on Him we simply can't be dead to sin, alive to Christ.

This isn't exactly where I was headed with this but it's important to state nonetheless. This is why I have such a heart for the American church because I see brothers and sisters in Christ falling prey to one side or the other. It's actually scary how close to home these two extremes are for me. But I believe that when we find the middle, real restoration can happen - first with Christ and then with each other.

Freedom in Christ will also provide freedom in our thought life and in our identity. Normally extremes aren't a good thing in humans, but the freedom found in Christ will restore the hopeless and mend the broken, tattered pieces of our hearts and minds.

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1 John 1:5-10 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

Romans 6:15-16 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?

Romans 8:1-4 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Romans 14:3-9 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. ⁴ Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.

⁵ One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. ⁶Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. ⁷ For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. ⁸ If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. ⁹ For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. (This is Christian to Christian, keep in mind!)

The Process of Breaking Down the Wall

2011-04-19T10:51:00.004-04:00

Concerning some of my posts like this one: don't take it for face value nor dismiss it as falsehood. I like to create moods using memories, thoughts, or ideas. So, you just don't know what's true to me and what's not. And that's cool.

Porcelain hearts & thick towers
Sometimes I think I have a porcelain heart guarded by the thickest tower. A witch didn't put it there, I did.

Has anyone ever looked at you & it feels that they can see right through you? It feels that in that moment they know you more intimately than anyone ever has? That they know the parts of your heart that you've felt, you've done your best, to keep secret? That you aren't so hard to read as you've thought? That vulnerability, no matter how hard you've run from it, is staring you straight in the face?

...yeah, me either.

We are closed people, afraid to get hurt, hiding our insecurities, fears, failures, & doubts in a masquerade...until someone breaks down the tower around our heart to see what's really beneath...the beauty & the pain.

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I read this in a book today and didn't want to make a new post...it fits, though:

Hunter looked out into the starry night. "We do not see things in this life as they really are--only as we believe they are. It is written in the Bible, we see through a glass darkly--but no glass is so dark, I think, as the looking glass in which we view ourselves."

"A looking glass cannot lie," Quaye said. "It is just polished glass."

"It is not the looking glass that lies. Nowhere does man err more greatly than when he looks to see the reality of who he is."

"And who are we?"

Hunter looked into her soft eyes. "We are worthy, Quaye. Worthy of life. Worthy of love (what my name means! haha). Worthy of kindness and gentleness. We are not some mistake of God or nature."

..."The greatest shackles we bear in this life are those forged by our own fears."

-The Looking Glass - Richard Paul Evans

Trust and the road leading me there

2011-02-24T01:14:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I could summarize all that the Lord has been teaching me lately, nor do I want to. But I will highlight one huge theme He has been teaching me, and that is trust.

If you had talked to me a few months, let alone, a few weeks ago about Thailand, I would have been in one of two places. I would have either shrugged off the question, saying something like, "I'm working on it...it's been a slow process, we'll see what happens." or you would have caught me in a vulnerable spot and I would have spilled my worry and distress.

I will be frank, in preparing for Thailand my heart has been all over the place. On the one hand logistically everything was really going slowly and I was wondering if it would ever happen. On the other, as Oswald Chambers put it, I was "daydreaming after God has spoken". Daydreaming can consist of a whole bunch of things. It can be full of dreams of what it will be like while there, it can be full of worries of the process and while over there, or it can be full of dreams or thoughts of throwing in the towel and choosing different paths. It actually can also be full of the weight of the dream which can, in turn, crush you & make you not want to try for fear of failing.

I have definitely experienced all of these daydreams. They have paralyzed me, distracted me, and fed me lies. But thank the Lord He is faithful even when we're not! Praise Him who leads us when all that we're doing is holding on by our pinky! He knows our hearts and even when our heart plays the harlot He picks us back up in the second our gaze turns back to Him.

And thanks be to Him who helps us learn to trust. Oswald Chambers said, "Daydreaming after God has spoken is an indication that we do not trust Him." He has been showing me where my trust lies. When we worry it shows a lack of trust. That's why Matthew 6 talks about not worrying and how the Bible also teaches us to not be anxious about anything, but with prayer and petition make your requests to the Lord and the peace that surpasses all understand will GUARD your heart and mind in Christ Jesus our Lord! The peace will guard our heart and mind against the attacks of pointless daydreams! Proverbs 4:23 says that we should guard our hearts for it is the wellspring of our lives! And how do we guard our hearts? With the peace that comes from knowing and trusting our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!! It's such a beautiful thing, but it's a process, that's for sure.

How do you learn to trust someone? You get to know them! You get to know their character and what makes them, them. You also must be vulnerable. To trust and to love at all is to be vulnerable. Sometimes I assume being vulnerable with God is much easier than being vulnerable with an actual person because God knows everything about you, right? But I find that it's not the case. Yes, the Lord knows everything about you, but have you been free to share it with Him? We've all heard that Jesus is a Gentleman. He's not going to break down the door or wall unless you ask Him to...yeah, He may bring you to places and situations that will scream for you to notice the door or wall that is between you and Him but He's not going to break it down unless you welcome Him and understand your complete reliance on Him in that area.

I think He shows me over and over lessons on Trust because it's so hard for me to trust or allow people in. I first need to learn to trust Him with my heart, my future, my everything, and then I will learn to fully trust others with those things in the given time for each. (I am not rock solid, no worries, I trust people...but at times it's hard for me to let people in, that's all :))

I'm just thankful that He never lets go...I'm thankful for the moments where He fills us with such peace that truly guards our hearts and minds. I feel that I have broken new ground in the last week because I have broken new ground with Him. When He brings us through things we are given His eyes because we can look back, finally, and see what He saw all along. I'm thankful for the opportunities He's giving me in the weeks I have left before Thailand. I'm so thankful to be apart of something bigger than myself and therefore see things in fresh new ways. I'm thankful for reconciliation and a settled heart in Him, no matter what. I'm thankful for Him whom we can trust no matter where He takes us or where He leads. His love makes it worth it all.

Thank you all who have helped in prayer and finances so far. I don't think you quite understand how much your prayers have meant...well until you read this blog. ;) I am just full of love and joy for the graciousness of our Lord Jesus who lives in each of you to give you such a gracious heart to help me! It's just swell, so thanks! ;)

It may be a long road to fully trusting but I'm excited for the journey that will lead me there!

Control.

2011-01-18T12:22:00.004-05:00

What/whom controls your life?

Now before we go and say the "Jesus" answer, let's really think about this. God has been making me these last few days.

I have come to realize that last year as an intern was all about me. All about me in the sense that I was being poured into, I was constantly being challenged to look at myself, to focus on my relationship with God, etc. So the lessons and the themes of my life were evident and constant. That is not a bad thing because it was what that year was about: giving one year of your life to God to mold, teach, etc.

Leaving has obviously felt like a major slow-down. You often wonder if God is teaching you anything in comparison. But looking back I see how He really has been. I see the lessons He was trying to teach me. I see the hurt that He allowed me to endure so that I could learn the lessons now, even though He was trying to show me all along. And these lessons are to prepare me for what's next, further seasons, and immediate upcoming seasons, to teach me to rest and trust in His ultimate plan. All these lessons are to show me His love over and over again even when I feel so undeserving.

He has recently given me revelation about control. What controls your life? What controls my life? And not the answer: Jesus or me. Because ultimately Jesus does control my life because one way or another I'll get there, the question is just when. I'm talking about the details of our lives, the thoughts of our lives, our daily choices, and whether we are living by the Spirit or by our flesh.

2 Corinthians 10:5 talks about how we are to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. He has been convicting me about that because it is so easy to take one idea and end up making it bigger than what it is. Such as my self-image...I have been letting the Enemy destroy me in this area lately and it has taken the Lord to open my eyes about this area to see bigger areas of where it stems from: all leading to the control on my life.

Ultimately, I have come to realize that I have been wanting to hold on to things that are not in my control, thus letting those things control me. It is important to address issues head on because you can end up pushing them down and then coming back to them, hurting again and again. Never let a person, a memory, an idea, an offense or anything hold control over your life...He is trustworthy to take care of it all.

I'm learning that in the sweet surrender of every area of my life I'm learning to really live.

My year - Twenty-Ten :)

2011-01-11T16:56:00.004-05:00

January, I remember January being a very tough month. It started off wonderful, having a New Years party with all the interns. Each core dressed up as something different. We dressed up as those guys in the IPOD commercials who wore all black or all one color and dance around with ear buds in. :) It was so fun! Food, games, and an open mic of sorts. :) I still have videos on my phone :) We all were getting back into the swing of things, had core pictures, and were getting ready for the new interns to arrive. Then things started to get rough. I had a week of God preparing me through my favorite thing of all time: the sky, without me even realizing it. Then that Thursday night our core was rocked as we lost our dear Core Advisor. It was a rough night as the rain fell down outside along with our tears. The same night we were introduced to our new Core Advisor. Many feelings were flowing through us that night: disappointed, anger, sadness, forgiveness, and finally peace that the Lord had been preparing us the entire time. The new Januaries had come in previous to this but we hadn't gotten any new Januaries put into our core, thankfully. I think that would have been tough to deal with. January taught me the beauty in brokenness and the faithfulness of God through even the tough times.

February. I remember having our first Family Core gathering (our core, sister core, and brother core.) Along with the January brothers and sisters, we received some new August brothers as well. (It would be too complicated to explain but long story, short, our family went from being one of the smallest to the biggest!) We were going to go bowling but after that fell through we went to the mall. It was somewhat hard due to the wounds being raw but I was excited because a couple of the guys that I had been working with all year in Leadership Development joined our family! Then we had dinner with our new Core Advisor and just hung out and it was wonderful and so needed! :) Then Valentines Day! :) That was so much fun! At the Honor Academy, the brothers put together something for their sisters. Our brothers blind-folded us and drove us to one of the buildings on the property. They then put a group of us at a time in a line and unblind-folded us! It was set up to be a "club" type feel. They had a brother holding a cam-corder (if it was on, I still don't know) and another brother being the interviewer following us around! As we were walking in, there were "bodyguards" and one of our brothers acting like a crazy fan, asking us to sign a paper. Then when we walked in one of our brothers, who was really talented at DJing, was working the music, then another was making amazing smoothies for us. And the lights were all crazy, black lights and all! Then they served us dinner after we all hung out and it was so yummy and so awesome to see our brothers serving us and being Godly men & all. ;) We then all watched a movie together. But don't worry! We weren't the only ones spoiled! We had made all our brothers cards with cheesy Valentine lines and encouraging words and verses for them :) AND chocolate for them ;) Ok, obviously a girl shopped for this. I got the privilege of handing them out and it was so cool seeing the guys light up when they saw what was in the bag because after all they had done for us you could tell they appreciated being pampered as well. :) It was sweet because some of the girls started crying because of the simple fact that they were being shown how godly men are supposed to treat them. It was an awesome time.

March. April. May. I know there was more in February but it probabaly consisted of classes, work, meetings, stretching, growing, etc. :D Now March, April, and May. I know I could break them apart but I would have to go back to my journal and see for sure so I will just summarize, highlighting on some parts. I know these three months consisted of a LOT of Life Transforming Events. I was a missionary for three days, living outside, getting to know our tribe, and witnessing to them like it was actual real life! That changed my life, taught me a lot about fear and living through Christ. We went through World Awareness where we watched a ton of movies that made us extremley aware of the world, ran from an unjust government, and got thrown in jail where I was persecuted for being a Christian, along with my other fellow Christians. Those were probably two of my favorite Life Transforming Events besides ESOAL.

I am not lying when I say that this year (August - August) felt like 4 years. To explain it all would take spaces and spaces so I'll dive into a few more from those three months... Classes were filled with every single detail of every single kind of relationship! Aha, first semester I would consider more of the breaking and healing-you-focused semester, and second semester was more about you interacting with others. I heard every kind of relationship advice you can think of. Being in it, we were all extremely done with hearing each step in the courting process but looking back, I'm extremely grateful. Something I can hand to all those 8 am classes is that if a guy ever wants to pursue me I know exactly what I want and what I don't want...and what I want in each stage.

Those three months were also a very breaking time as well. The HA has what are called "roads" that you go down to stay a second year in a certain program. There was a road that God had called me to go down because of fear. He clearly told me that. I was confident that God didn't actually want me to stay as it (which may have been my downfall). I went into it having already failed which is something I'd advise never to do. At one point during the week, we had worship and as soon as the music started, I just started to bawl. Talk about a crybaby, but God was just bringing me to the end of myself and showing me who I am in Him. Through that road, I got accepted down a different path and went down another road which caused me to read a lot of Ezekiel. I love that book and all that the road taught me! I then went down a third road (seize all opportunities, right?) concerning Bethany College of Missions. I loved that road as well and it taught me to see through the eyes of different people. I had to wear a Muslim head-thing to Wal mart! It was a season of a lot of choices and decisions.

Work was also speeding up during these three months. We call the leaders to go on the trips in the summer so obviously we were calling our tails off! It was just another growing experience for me. It taught me the limits I put on myself when I feel like there are more qualified people around me. It challenged me to be more bold on the phones with people and showed me when it was obvious when I had nothing to give to people because I wasn't spending the time I needed to with God.

June. Summer schedule at Teen Mania! We worked 10-4 I believe instead of 1-8 or 9. I loved that schedule SO much more! Things were calming down at the office for me. It was bittersweet because we knew that things were coming to a close as they were about to speed up as people would go on different mission trips and see less of each other. As the weather got warming, my spirits rose! I think I'm generally a happier person during spring and summer months! :) I came home this month too! It was cool to see friends and everyone! I had extra break days and I wasn't sure if I was going to stay a second year or not so I wanted to come home and visit! I don't remember much of when I came back for that week or so...I remember shopping for Ecuador with my parents and I hung out with friends. It's just tough to remember it all. June means my BIRTHDAY! I was at Teen Mania. I got kidnapped and taken to get milkshakes by my wonderful co-workers! :) We went and saw a movie in Tyler that night and then that weekend we celebrated Sam and my birthday (coremates with the same birthday! she's just a year younger :)) We took core pictures then went dessert hopping at different restaurants! It was so fun!

July. Ecuador! This trip changed my life! I am going to forever look back at those two weeks! He really taught me about love. He taught me that love is a risk but His love makes it worth it. That phrase resounded through the entire trip. Hearing the testimonies of the men who killed Jim Elliot and the other missionaries rocked my world. Teaching the little kids and going into the homes of, literally, the broken touched my heart in such a huge way. I remember being so uncomfortable in the beginning and by the end of the trip I didn't want to leave the uncomfortable. Coming back to campus was when reality truly hit. The campus was so quiet as so many inters were on mission trips and it began to hit that things were truly ending. It was such a bittersweet time and we were counting down the days until everyone was back on campus again! Oh, I also got to spend some time with one of my brother's (biological) sisters who went on our trip! That was fun seeing some of the fam from our family! :) I miss Sonic! (A little sidenote.)

August. Sad times. We hung out with everyone one last time the night before Graduation after Gala. My family came! I got to show them around. Work was coming to a close. I wore my prom dress to Gala (it barely fit...oh the HA food...) and it was such a bittersweet moment as I read my letter I wrote to myself at the beginning of ESOAL and a letter my parents wrote to me! :) Then we graduated the next day. :/ Driving home was hard as tension rose in the car. We were listening to the radio, and believe me, it was a culture shock for me. Songs sounded so dumb ;) but I didn't mind listening to them. Then a song came on that was a little much and I asked if we could turn it off and I got so much attitude for it. That was just a breaking point for me. I broke down right there. It was a defining moment. It was the end of one season and the beginning of another. And the question set in front of me was, are you ready? I'm still ironing it all out but I'm finding that place where I am in this world but not of it. The HA wasn't a summer camp but it was a Discipleship camp that challenged me and taught me who I am called to be... whether I live by that is still what's He's growing me in.

September. October. November. These three months have had plenty of ups and some downs too. It was so great hanging out with friends and reconnecting with people! Fair, which I had missed SO much last year, was so much fun! I love reconnecting with people! Change happens and so that's sometimes hard especially because I had come back from a Greenhouse I had been in for a year...sometimes coming back has felt like starting over completely. There have been downs as well. Change can have great attributes and negative ones. It's been hard to not have as much purpose this past semester as I did in this past year. It was also hard to have so much to say and not consistent community to talk to about it. But overall, God has taught me a lot about priorities and friendship.

December. The end of the year. We got snow! Christmas was great with the family and it's honestly been great to be at home and spend time with them after being gone for a year.

This year has been a pretty great one! I wouldn't have changed it for anything! God has changed me so much in the last year and I pray that He continues to refine me through the fire. I feel like He has given me themes and occurences and specific things that He is calling me to be that I'm not in my own nature. I pray that He will prepare me and take me through the things I need to go through to be prepared. I love how He calls us to be qualities that we're not so that He can show us His Goodness, He'll get the glory, and He'll make our weaknesses, strengths.

What will 2011 look like? Thailand for the first half, prayerfully! Then, who knows about the second. My parents hope for a full education of some kind. ;) We'll see what God has in store! :)

Time to stay changed.

2011-01-10T13:57:00.003-05:00

I heard this song for the first time today. I really like it.

I've been battling lately with who I'm trying to be and who people want me to be. Galatians 1:10 has really been applying to my life. With most people I feel like I can be me, the one who is striving to be more like Christ and against becoming like the world. But with some people I feel like I'm always on my toes. I have been made to feel bad because I don't listen to this or don't want to watch that because it's the exact opposite of glorifying God...and that's what we're here to do, right? If I'm not becoming more like Christ, than what is my life worth? I came back with standards and I've seen them begin to fall away as I have been battling with what God wants and what people want.

I want to be someone that breathes Christ. I don't want to fall so slowly into the worlds ways that I don't even see it happening until everything turns to gray.

I've been finding that the more I let go, the more I become like myself. I think this year will be a year where I find out who I am and who I'm not. I pray that instead of it turning people away that they will be drawn to it. So, take my life, I lay it down. I want to seek You all of my days.

The need to be accountable

2011-01-06T10:15:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning after having a dream. It was a pretty random one: I was hanging out with one of my brothers from the HA that I haven't talked to since. I was asking him how it had been for him after the HA and he said it had been hard because he was struggling with some of the things he had struggled with before. I asked him if he had anyone that he went to about it and he shrugged it off saying how he just kept it to himself, etc, etc.

I woke up with the increasing need for accountability. I think what scares us the most about accountability is that in the back of our minds we have this pre-conceived picture of what a "picture-perfect" Christian looks like, someone that has it all together, always smiling, and ready to help the "heathen" next door. But that is not what I consider to be Christianity at all. A believer is authentic because they know how unworthy they are if it hadn't been for their Savior. We are no better than the next guy, we have just been saved by grace and therefore given the well-being to become sanctified and set apart, holy because we are loved by God. But this happens from the inside-out not the outside-in.

Accountability shakes everything that can be shaken when it's done right. Another reason we don't apply it is because it affects the very hidden core of us: our pride. Sharing your faults with someone requires you to become vulnerable and admit to your fallen nature. There is nothing that will get rid of pride more than having someone know your dirt and ask you about it on a regular basis. ;) You also have to know what you are struggling with to be able to have someone hold you accountable. A lot of the time we can hide these things even from ourselves, or just sweep it under the rug acting like it's smaller than what it is.

This brings us to our relationship with Christ. The more we are seeking Him, the more malleable we become and the more He will show us the broken things in our lives. This is why sometimes it feels that as soon as we have an encounter with God or a breakthrough with Him - or we have just started seeking Him more, things start to get tough. We end up asking God, "Why is this happening??" It is because we have given ourselves over to Him and HE is shaking everything that can be shaken inside of us so that we come out of the fire refined and set apart for Him. This is why I find so much beauty in brokenness. It brings us to the end of ourselves and humbled in front of an amazing God who is there to pick us back up again.

God will help us in this process, but we must also be willing to have others get into the nit and gritty with us because I won't lie, it hurts. Take exercising for example, I recently asked someone to hold me accountable to exercising because I know that with where I am at right now it's hard to self-motivate myself. I went into it thinking, "Great, I'm going to have someone hold me accountable about this - this is gonna rock!" It did...until she began to ask me if I had exercised... Then it started to hurt because I had to say that no, I had not. But you know what? I have exercised since!

This is just a small example, it goes so much deeper than exercising. The point is that it hurts when someone holds you accountable. After a while, your flesh even wants to get mad at them and say, "Psh, this person is asking about my business but what about theirs??" We have to guard against those kinds of thoughts because they are just doing their job and judging by the response, doing it well. ;)

I also understand that in leadership you can't spill every little thing to the people under you. You begin to lose a certain dose of credibility as a leader because they may feel they can't come to you. (On a side note, I also believe that you can share a generalized bit of it to those under you because it knocks you off the pedastil that they may have created for you or that you have created for yourself.) There is a saying that says, "You can't pour out if you haven't been poured into." I also believe, "You can't pour out anything good if you haven't poured out the bad." It is essential as a leader to have someone that you confess things to and that challenges you while knocking the pride out of your life. If that is taking place it will become more easier to know what to confess to those under you and what to not.

This has been stirring inside of me since I left the Honor Academy. It's funny that it takes a dream to spark it again. I would ask yourself first off, because it's a two-fold deal, how your relationship with Christ is. It's easy for things to stay hidden if His light isn't exposing it. You must seek Him before all. Then ask yourself if you have someone in your life that is keeping you accountable (guys for guys and girls for girls in the bigger areas because other factors play into it, and there are just certain things that you shouldn't tell the opposite gender). For instance, I had a brother in Christ hold me accountable that I wouldn't be lazy ;) and that I would do more in a day while I have a more stable accountability sister that holds me accountable to more of the deeper things, such as taking thoughts captive, etc etc.

I also have a huge heart for this to become more seen in Churches...especially youth groups. I think if we can get this generation to grasp the concept of accountability there will be far less going on under our noses and more steadfast young believers in the faith. I even have a picture of what it could look like! It makes me excited :D

Accountability. It's a hard but wonderful thing. :)

When the gift and the life collide.

2010-12-12T23:37:00.003-05:00

The gift God gives musicians is the ability to produce music, and do it well.

Obviously we can agree on this. This, in itself, is a way to produce the Gospel for others to see. I am realizing that the gifts He has given us are for purpose that overflows from our lives. Yes, elementary but bare with me, it's a complete revelation for me. I have always felt like when I write it's a cop-out so I won't have to explain myself in other ways. That fear has crept into me feeling like I shouldn't pursue it in the future...along with the fear that I won't do well or am not good, but that's a whole other topic! ;) So much so, that I have stopped writing at ever whim. I have punished myself because I am not "this way" with others and so therefore I don't have any right to write things because I haven't mastered communication in every form there is.

But I am realizing that I simply am not an outspoken, bubbly person and that is OK. Yes, there are pieces I can work on such as not mistaking humility with unworthiness and walking out in the confidence of Christ, always being ready to give an account for the reason I believe. These are things I can work on but it most definitely shouldn't hinder me from moving forward in what I love and what He has given me in this season.

Think about it in this way: fans come to a concert to hear the musicians do what they does best: make music. The musicians can't touch/speak into/love all of the people that come to their concert but they can do what they are gifted with and God can work in that way. Like Lecrae for instance: he is completely legit. His lyrics are all about Christ and that's what he does well. But here's the part that really hits home. He offers to stay after everyone else has gone home and speak to anyone that has questions. This is where the two collide. The gifting and the living. He raps best, but through Christ and the Holy Spirit he also disciples.

In the same way, thousands may read a writer's writings and encounter God because of it. A writer can't meet all of those that reads his/her's writings but he/she has given his/her gift as an offering that God waters. But say the writer meets one of those readers...she will be ready to give an account for who he/she lives for. The same goes for a pastor or speaker. They speak in front of hundreds or thousands about Christ and His goodness. It is crucial that they are the same through and through when they talk with someone one on one. Their gifting and living are one.

I believe your gift becomes a ruby instead of a covering when you walk in the Holy Spirit. It's as simple as that. Your gift isn't yours. Your life is an offering so it is in our constant need for Him that we truly live. He is our strong tower, He is the one that will supply our words, water our relationships, and lead us as we walk day by day. The complete surrender of our heart, mind, and life is what is needed to be all that God wants us to be. He will make us transparent and the truth will begin to seep out into everything around us.

A tweet really struck me tonight because it's been on my mind too..."I don't remember Jesus ever inviting someone to church so they would get saved. Your life, actions, and light are the best testimony." (via Joe Roy). While pastors use their gifting to tell others about God, it is not what Jesus has called us to do. It's not the mission. We must live. This is not to say that someone's heart can't be radically changed by listening to someone do what they are gifted in doing: speak, just like any other gift. But it gives we as Christians a slap with reality. We are in relationship with Christ not just for a ticket to Heaven, but so we can be in relation with GOD. And He has called us to go out and make disciples of all nations. He has called us to grow up in our faith and pour into others.

This is where our gift and life meet. He has gifted us to do what He has called us to do: make disciple of all nations. This is where walking in the Holy Spirit comes in. This is where it all meets back up. This is where we find our purpose, this is where we grow deeper in Christ, this is where we get revelations and revival takes place around us. It is when He is all we seek and He is our daily portion that we truly see His Plan and our part in it.

Take the world, but give me Jesus. Let He be all I have to give.

Open hands, trust, and a lunch bag.

2010-11-17T23:08:00.003-05:00

Open hands is quite the symbolism, isn't it? It represents and means so much. It symbolizes letting go, surrender, helplessness, pleads, and so much more.

He's really teaching me to live with open hands. Tonight's connect group was off the chain. :D We talked about the miracle of Jesus feeding the thousands with a small boy's lunch. But we focused on the boy and his lunch the most. Erin passed out brown paper bags and then a white slip of paper. With the paper we were to write what we were praying for, our desires, our dreams, etc. We then ripped each piece off and put it in the brown paper bag. She then explained how the boy's lunch was his need for the day and similar to us it's what we're hoping for, our desires, what we want for our lives. It can be a great thing that God has put inside of us or a thing we just want and desire ourselves. And she explained how we could go through life clutching the bag while we do everything else. We try to do our normal tasks or try to live out our dreams while still clutching onto our lunch bag. It begins to be hard to do everything else when we're clutching so tightly to something else.

But then, like with the little boy, Jesus asks us to give it to Him. This was a turning point for me even though I knew it was coming. Things I had written down and were safely tucked away in my lunch bag in my hands were falling into place in my head. Our desires, our dreams, our hopes, our everything will only be usable in His hands. We hold onto them saying, "Ok, God, you've given this to me and some of these I just want. I'll take it from here! Thanks for everything and keep giving me these things but I got it!" But God is saying, "No, give them to me. You have no idea what I want to do with them! Some of these I will give to you, some of these I will throw away, and some of these I will trade in for things you would have never dreamed of. Stop trying to clutch on to things. Trust me and I will work them out. Listen to me and open your hands so I can fill you and from your hands will flow My power and mine alone! I want to teach you to live with open hands for the rest of your life."

Whew, that was something else for me altogether. I have been a wreck these last few months. Not always to the extreme but always atleast slightly and in some area. But He is teaching me to live with open hands. I have dreams and desires that I want to play out but I don't know how or when or if I'm doing it right. And I have been realizing that He has been keeping me from one dream because I'm holding onto tiny other things, trying to make them work in my hands. Tonight opened my eyes. I want Him to take it all, I want Him to fix it and work it out in His timing, for His glory.

I don't have much to give in my little lunch bag, but when handed to Him, He could feed the thousands!

Friendship part 3

2010-11-15T14:13:00.006-05:00

I've been realizing how much of a wide variety of friends I truly have! I absolutely love it!! I have friends that love screamo, I have friends that love rap. I have friends with tattoos; I have friends that I could never see getting them. I have friends that are every single different personality and look, outgoing to quiet, straight hair to curly, pale skin to dark. I have friends that live on the west coast to the east coast and everywhere in between. I have friends that have all different sorts of likes and dislikes...and I LOVE IT!

More and more, my prayer is that I would learn to love strangers, family, friends, everyone. I pray that I mesh well with all different types of people because for the rest of your life you're going to be surrounded by people that are different than you. It just makes life more exciting! A friend said how she loved how I fit so well with different people. I was surprised because it's something I feel like I struggle with. Because I don't have the personality to be the center of the party and know exactly what to say with new people I've learned to just observe my surroundings, the people, it all. Then I sort of jump in. I just go with the flow, I guess.

This past weekend I was challenged to love people more through the message I listened to. I want to know everyone's love languages and work at being better at all of them. My top is quality time...I've been taking the test a bunch recently and I keep getting somewhat different answers. And I think it will change somewhat too when I'm married because I'm taking it thinking about friends and family. Regardless, quality time is ALWAYS first. I'm always so chill with just being with people. I think the reason why I love having conversations with people is because I love spending time with them! But I want to learn to love with all of the languages.

I just love the body of Christ and how diverse we all are. There is no picture perfect Christian, just people that are at different places in their walk, all striving to be more like Christ and say no to the things of this world. No better family to be apart of! :)

yooooo

2010-11-08T22:46:00.006-05:00

I don't really have much to say. I just feel like typing to see myself think.

I think it's better to feel than be numb. Even if feeling means you hurt. I'm learning that. I think people allow themselves to go into depressions because it's so much easier to not feel anything than to feel what they're feeling.

But I say go ahead and feel. Not to let your feelings overtake you instead of truth, but to allow yourself to feel rather than being numb to everything going around you.

I'm teaching myself to feel. I've never allowed myself to feel, or at least show others that I feel. I've always been either the pushover or the one that cares too much. Because I care for others so much I put them over my feelings. So much so that while at the Honor Academy, a friend asking me what I wanted caught me off guard. I went around that question in every way I possibly could. I never ask myself what I want. I ask myself what other people need. I ask myself what other people want. I ask myself what God wants from my life (which is good, but it normally leads to sacrifice in some way or fashion and He desires obedience over sacrifice). I ask myself what is rational, what my head thinks. But I never ask myself what I want.

I just don't know how to handle that question. I mean, how do you? It's never been about me. That's been my life purpose. So much so that I don't allow myself to show my feelings. I learn that when I have a status that shows when I'm angry or sad, I have to delete it. There is something in me that can't even hint how I'm feeling.

So...there's that. I just feel like showing that I don't have it all together. I'm a mess but God is working in me. I hurt and I feel. I just need to be ok with that and allow it.

So that's where I am. I sometimes wonder if I should write so much vulnerability in a blog! Especially one that goes straight to Facebook! Hah!

I guess I had something to say.

Friendship part 2

2010-11-04T01:39:00.005-04:00

One other topic that God has been speaking to me a lot lately having to do with accountability in friendship is not only the sharpening of each other but of the coming along side of each other. Two major times (and maybe more) I have realized firsthand how easy it would be to start falling into depression since I've been back. I think coming from a place where I had purpose in the here-and-now and something to do every single second to coming to a place where my life is full of waiting and nothingness and seeing has taken it's toll on me.

Thankfully, I have seen time and time again God's sovereignty on my life and the fight He has given me. Just this past week and weekend, I was slowly getting worse and worse until it got to a point where my dad and mom both asked me if I was alright. I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." but I'm a pro at shutting people out when I want to. It's just been so easy to go through the motions with no real purpose besides waiting for the process to get to Thailand to start making progress. The first time I felt like that upon getting back, I got to a point where I was extremely down. I would even think mentally how easy it would be to keep going like this - to give into this depression. Later it scared the junk out of me that I could think like that, because I never have before, but it does run in my family I think. But God showed me His grace by having a sister or brother text me from TX with something encouraging. Or I would wake up the next day with so much peace and stillness or with urgency and purpose for the day.

Those moments of downcast have really shown me the importance of staying plugged in with the Body. People won't always know what's going on with you so it's important that you make the first step to ask them to keep you accountable. We need each other to go through the highs and lows with! Not only do we need them challenging us but we need them encouraging us as well and not being afraid to get into the nitty gritty of our lives!

P.S. Concerning the depression thing: I think I'm just a person that needs to feel like they are doing something of impact, even if it's something tiny. And I need to be with people that I care about. Or I need to be "in-tune" as I like to call it with friendships and feel that I can pour in and be poured into. I'm also a words person so if someone is degrading me even in a joking way or if there is a lack of approval in a big way it gets to me.

Pretty much my top two love languages are quality time and words of affirmation and when I'm getting the opposite of both for a long period of time, it's not the best. But I'm really trying to practice living by the Truth and not by feelings. Are we girls just wired this way, to feel feel feel?! :D

Friendship

2010-11-03T12:24:00.002-04:00

There are days where I can't stop updating my Facebook status and Twitter. That's my way of telling myself I need to write!

Dreams can be the worst, best, and weirdest experiences! Not last night but the night before I had this dream where I got into a fight with a friend. It was more of an argument, but a good argument, one that probably is needed in this friendship. It got a lot of things out on the table even if we weren't happy with each other about it. I realized I really want that in friendships.

This past year while at the Honor Academy during the first semester I was having a very hard time connecting with my Core Advisor. I thought she was awesome but we didn't click as well. It got to a point where I voiced to a friend that I needed to go talk to her about it (and I hated confrontations so much more than I do now!) so after some coaxing and shoving on her part, I walked down the hall to her room. I asked if I could talk to her and so we sat down and she asked me what was going on. As we began to talk she said, "You know, I just feel like you don't trust me or that there is this wall between us." I agreed and shared with her where I was coming from. She shared where she was coming from and like magic the wall fell down! Before we knew it we were talking and laughing and from then on our friendship grew!

Thinking about that dream and thinking about the "meetings" we had at the Honor Academy where you would ask someone if they wanted to have a meeting and you'd set it up for breakfast, lunch, dinner or some other free time, I'm realizing that I want that in my life more. I think the way I come into friendships is either, "we hit it off great and there we go" or "we don't hit it off so well and so from then on I'm sort of weighing my odds in the friendship with how much I can trust the person, etc." And the second sadly happens a lot with my guy friendships. I just have a trust issue with them. I'm working on it but that's just where I'm at. And it's how my mind works. I don't want to share my heart with you unless I feel like I can be open with you. And for some friendships, like with my core advisor, it takes that initial,"something is wrong, let's talk about it," to fix it.

And I feel like I want accountability a lot more in my life. I just love it! And I believe that it's crucial for the body of Christ to grow and be challenged. There is such an air of tolerance that is slowly even creeping into the Church where no one wants to be offended or to offend others. Now, don't get me wrong, the right dose of tolerance isn't a bad thing, such as convictions, etc. But too much tolerance can be dramatically bad for the Church and goes against everything Jesus spoke on! We shouldn't get offended when a fellow believer says something to us. No, maybe you take it in and decide you don't need it but take the meat from the bones and throw away the rest. And do you think an iron sharpens an iron by saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, this may hurt, I shouldn't go there."? No way, Jose! :D One of my brothers from the HA just recently had a status that said, "have we become so thin skinned in America that nobody can rebuke us? the person that loves us the most will tell the truth. the false prophet will never rain on your parade. make things seems like a six flags over Jesus. Is God working in your life?....-Paul Washer

In the same way, a friend is someone that will sharpen you even if cutting away the excess may hurt. I definitely want that more in my life, And I want to be that for others, too!

I guess the Lord is working in me a lot with friendships and I say, "Keep working!" because I am no where even close to having it figured out. But I love people and I love being open with people! So where I need breaking, break me. Where I need healing, heal me. Where I need to move, push me.

Break-through!

2010-10-25T00:56:00.004-04:00

So, when I talk to people about going to Thailand, a lot of their first reactions are, "Well, what about here? There are tons of things you can do here, tons of people you can minister to, street kids, homeless, etc." My dad even says that. I would say to him, "Yes, but some people are called here and some people are called overseas." But I could never fully explain that to people and I had an unsettlement as to why. I knew in my heart that their intentions were true and there was truth in their words but there was something missing from the picture.

Tonight I had a break-through. What if when someone feels led to go to missions, the reaction isn't, "well what about here?" What if "here" was the default?!?! I mean, for goodness sakes, we were born here! What if we're the default for the broken in the U.S?!?! If you're not called overseas, you are called to pray, give, send, etc those that are AND disciple the people here!

I mean, let's think about this! We are called to be the Church. We don't just invite people to Church in hopes that they become saved, if we ARE the Church then why aren't we BEING the Church? We all say this, but where is the discipleship taking place? With our friends and family, the ultimate can't be inviting them to church, the ultimate should be, you, yourself discipling them. And how can you disciple if you have not been discipled?

What I mean is that there is so much more to this Christian faith, so much more than this American dream mushed into a Christian life. Please stop telling me about how there is such a great need here, I am well aware of that! (This is not spoken out of annoyance in the LEAST but of new-found understandment and urgency.) But do not be blind to the need going on in the world around us. And when the need is so great and God calls, you can't ignore. Instead ask, "where am I called?" And NOT EVEN "where am I called", but what IS Your mission? And how am I being apart of it? And when you ask, what is Your mission, don't ask 'what is my church's mission' but 'what is HIS mission?' Because a Church building is just a place to come together, it is not the mission. His will to others is the mission. We are the Church. We bring Christ to the people around us. And what if others don't come to Christ because our life is no different than theirs? And we are only accountable for us so it's important we don't hide behind things that say Jesus or that we find our identity in APART from Christ. That is crucial. HE is the mission.

That's why I love the BODY of Christ so much! I simply love that! Nothing more, nothing less! The PEOPLE, the people that are loving Christ, growing in Him, and surrendering their life for His name! I don't give a crap what church you go to, that's not the point, I care if you're being the church! I care if you know what that means, I care that you're growing in HIM, not things that look like Him or have the cover of Him, but growing in HIM.

And as I take all of that in, I feel like it's what He's convicting me to do more. Be discipled, disciple others, and preach the Gospel where ever I go. No, it doesn't mean that I'll stand on top of a table everywhere I go, but going with the intention of Christ in every situation. I'm a naturally reserved person and so I'm not one to always know what to say when I meet new people or other things that naturally bubbly people can do. But I'm praying that He grows me more in that because what's the point if I have all this inside of me and can't give it out to others that need it?

All these thoughts are starting to come together for me and I feel like it's a wonderful piece of the puzzle that He has been waiting to give to me. It's like there is a puzzle I'm trying to solve and there are pieces missing and little by little He gives them to me and I'm able to piece them together bit by bit. And this is just a bit of the puzzle of my life. Yes, I feel like my passport will come in handy a time or two, but I also feel like I have such a heart for the Church of America and seeing it come back to what Jesus originally intended for His Church. I'm just waiting for a few more puzzle pieces to be uncovered!

Scary movies =O

2010-10-22T16:24:00.004-04:00

Scary movies. I've never been a fan of them, though I scare easily so that's mostly why. I had conversations with friends where I'd simply ask them, "How can you watch scary movies??? I just can't get how it doesn't scare someone!" Ahaha, they'd just answer about how they just like them. One even talked about how there is good and evil in the world, so why be afraid of scary movies??? It made sense to me but I couldn't understand why they still freak me out so much.

I feel like light exposing the darkness will be a huge portion in my life in someway. I'm fascinated by it. So why would I be afraid of watching scary movies?

I finished Adam by Ted Dekker. I wasn't expecting what I read (spoiler alert!). I'll just say that there is an exorcism in the book! :D All his books are about evil and good which is probably why I love his books. As I was reading this one I came to a point where this woman was talking to a priest. This really made things come into focus for me and started my mind rolling:

In reference to what other people would say if she told them about the evil she witnessed,

"'It's just...no one would believe me.' She slammed the wheel with her palm. 'Do you know how crazy this is?'

"'You're wrong. Many do believe, or they wouldn't be frightened of movies on the subject, now, would they? Jaws terrified the country because people knew that shark attacks were real. The reason so many details of exorcism have been cliches in the movies is because they, too, are real. Any researcher will tell you that. Spiderman, Superman...not frightening, make-believe. But the movie The Exorcist? Except for a few details, amazingly accurate. And it terrifies us all. I say all this because you're right to be terrified, Heather. Frankly, it bothers even me.'"

As I read that, it made sense. the reason why I hate watching scary movies is because I believe it's real, so utterly real. And that's why I love light exposing the darkness so much. Because I believe in the power of Light and the power of Darkness when it is given free reign. And frankly, I don't trust Hollywood to do a very good job at displaying it in the right way because they don't believe the Right Way. The fact that crazy unexplainable things happen when scary movies are being made is not taken lightly by me. I don't want to allow Satan to have a foothold in my life.

I would rather experience it in real life than in front of a movie screen. I've been in places where I've felt spiritual uneasiness and felt the spiritual warfare going on. I don't want to crack a door by being in a scary movie as my fears get the best of me. I want to always be on my guard with the Truth. I want the darkness to tremble.

We as Christians have the confidence that darkness can't get to us if we don't allow it but that doesn't mean I want to play around with it. And this is just my opinion and my conviction as of now. The fact that I terrify easily also plays a huge role in it :D

Well, what about movies on Exorcisms? Yeah, I saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose (how they convinced me to watch it is beyond me). Again, I think it goes back to the fact that I just don't like watching it, it being recorded to play over and over again in a sense. The fact that crazy things happened in the making of that movie alone gives me the confidence that it's real. Reading it was a little different then watching it, as this book showed me. The event leading up to it scared me more than the actual exorcism. I didn't mind so much reading it and don't know why. Though that doesn't mean I'm going to go out and buy books on them, that's for sure!

That's my take on that. Just some things to think about. Maybe one day I won't have the same conviction and terror with scary movies, but until that day comes you'll have to drag me or give me chocolate and a pillow and someone to punch in order for me see one with you! ;)

Faithfulness, coming down the mountain, and humility

2010-09-25T03:32:00.004-04:00

FYI: Never take Green Tea Supplements right before bed. They are loaded with caffeine AND they boost your metabolism which makes you starve! So currently I'm at a place where I am hungry and tired/wide awake. That feeling is the WORST! When your body and half your brain is exhausted but the other half is screaming, "NO SLEEP!" So, here my predicament lies. What better thing to do then write?!

I've been thinking a lot about this season of my life. I really feel like this season is a time where God is testing my faithfulness to Him. I laugh at how God works because my mind goes back to the Tuesday, Chapel service held at the HA at the start of my Honor Academy year. I can't specifically remember why some interns went to the front to kneel and why the staff was asked to pray for them, but I do remember I was there and I was being prayed over by Melissa King. That woman is anointed by God!! I am telling you - and she lives out that anointing! I remember one phrase she used, "Let this be a year where you teach her your faithfulness and also teach her to be faithful to you." This past year truly was that. He taught me so much about how much He loves me, me. He taught me who I am in Him, and how He is so faithful with our needs! Thank God I journaled because I could kick myself for not blogging about all the faithfulness He has shown me this past year. We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, after all!

And I feel like in this season He is beginning to test my faithfulness to Him. "Find me faithful" was a key phrase that appeared in my mind near the end of my HA year and it's continuing to be a core theme. I want to be faithful with what He has given me in this season. I want to be faithful to Him...even just that. Whether that be with my words, with what I allow my eyes to see through movies, TV, etc, through where my priorities are, through what I hear, through it all.

Now I feel like there comes a time where you have to be able to be real with people and so you have to come down from the mountain just like Moses did. And I'm currently finding that boundary, that mark, and where I fit. I'm so thankful that the Lord is so gracious and merciful! Though Moses came down from the mountain, he didn't change who he had become to be more relevant with the Israelites. I love that! But he did meet them where they were at the bottom of the mountain. Mmm...boy! Revelation in itself!!

I feel like He is teaching me humility through this process. Boy, do I need more of it in my human nature! I was struggling with all my pent of zeal and passion and figuring out how to channel it that I just sort of flew it everywhere. I feel that one day God may use my "direct" writing style to speak Truth and open eyes but before I can do any of that I need to first be the most humble person I can be. And boy am I loving Proverbs! It's convicting me and teaching me...! I must learn to walk in humility...never once through my writing or my speech do I want the glory to come to me! And I'll admit, that's hard sometimes because you're either hearing people's approval or you're seeking people's approval! What a mess to be in! Let the glory never come to my heart, but go straight to His! I may not be, but Your grace is enough!

I may hate it at times, but I really do love the season He has me in. It's a challenge in itself but it's better I have this time to process and grow and seek before things get a bit crazier in January! I don't even know what I'm getting myself into, but again, I feel that He is teaching me to be faithful to Him and He will show His faithfulness to me even when I lack...and I will! ;)

A dream full of lessons

2010-09-23T10:37:00.003-04:00

I normally, if I remember any part of my dreams at all, remember the last part of my dream, right before I wake up. Right before I woke up I had a dream that a friend and I were sitting on a couch with some other friends. Then one of our other friends asked if we had seen a video of one of our mutual friends, his brother, and their time on the mission field. We said we hadn't so they put the video in. As we were watching, our mutual friend was being interviewed about his time on the mission field. They were showing clips of him there while his voice was playing on the screen. His voice was saying how the violence was high, how there was extreme poverty, it was very crowded and dirty, and pretty much how much he hated it. There were clips of him wearing his designer clothes, walking around, seeming out of place. Then it showed how he was in this dirt area with some kids but he was talking about how there was no place to sit. As I was watching it, I couldn't help but think, "Sit in the dirt! You have to get dirty with the kids. You should have left your fancy clothes at home."

Then they showed his brother on the mission field. He, on the other hand, was diving right into it. He was loving on the kids, getting dirty, having fun, and touching their lives. His voice was talking about how the kids were impacting his life, how he loved being with them and getting th chance to touch them.

It just caused me to wake up thinking about the line that I wrote about a couple blogs back about how "we drive with our lattes, in our nice cars, to our thousand dollar built church's." The only reason that this can be harmful is because of your heart. If your heart clutches so tightly to these comforts, these things, then are you even going to be able to hear God if he asked you to give it up? This life is really not our own. And He may not be calling you to the mission field but He is calling you to give up your worldly possessions for His glory eternal.

Last night I read in Luke 17 about the unworthy servants:

17:7-10 "Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, 'Come at once and recline at table'? Will he not rather say to him, 'Prepare supper for me, and dress properly. and serve me while I eat and drink and afterward you will eat and drink'? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'"

Now, I don't think Jesus is trying to encourage rudeness, but I do think He was trying to make a point. Because our life is not our own, and we were given it, it is our duty to give it back to Him. He came to give us life eternal so that we would die to our old self and live new and all for Him. He says to take up our cross and follow Him. This means that we live for Him where ever we go, whatever we are called to do.

We are called to give to the poor and needy, love the orphans and widows, make disciples of all nations, hate our mother, father, sister, brother, even our own life more than Him. We are called to do so much for Him. But the joy that comes even when we deny ourselves is such a reward! That is God truly blessing us! When we realize that this life is not ours, but it's all for Him we begin to go even deeper with Him, see His heart, see how He see's things. We even begin to have a different outlook on everything - from TV to shopping to Facebook! I only know because He has been convicting me on these things.

I really am glad that He disciplines those that He loves because I have been feeling that conviction! A lot of conviction about priorities and getting them straight. And also conviction about stepping up more and taking initiative. So thanks to some accountability from a brother, I got SO much done yesterday. I am extremely close to having all my paperwork in for Thailand. And I'm currently working out some fundraisers to have if this job thing doesn't work out. :/ I booked Addison Prophet for a benefit concert on November 20! Now I just have to figure out where we are going to have it and what it's going to look like.

So I'm learning a lot about how this life is not my own as well as lining that knowledge up with my life. Let me know if you have any fundraising ideas!! :)

Clothed in humility

2010-09-19T13:25:00.004-04:00

Everything I do, everything I say, I want it to be done in humility.

When I am really passionate for something, it leaks out through my writing. And sometimes it comes off "in your face" type stuff. But I never want it to mean something it doesn't. I never want it to mean that I am better than you or that I am preaching without it impacting myself too. Everything I write is things that he convicts my heart about. And then I sit back and analyze and see it everywhere I look as well so I can't help but share it! During the HA the Lord put a lot of things on my heart about my future. More so, key things that it will outline, or themes rather. And one was the awakening of the Church, the awakening of the Body of Christ. And I have come to realize that I get those things out best through my writing. I am passionate about it. And so it comes full force through my writing. It's funny because it gets to a point where I'm not even writing anymore, it's the Holy Spirit. Almost like when someone is talking to or praying over someone and they don't even remember what they said because they know the Holy Spirit took over? That's how it is with my writing. The only difference is that it is written, so I can see what it is I wrote and a lot of the time it just amazes me when it comes together and I didn't even realize two points were going to until I started typing.

What I'm trying to say is that I want love to be what steers me and causes me to produce words for Christ. Yes, my heart breaks when I see the church talk about blessings like it's the only purpose & reason we have Christ. I'm passionate about this area, but I never want it to seem that I have some kind of authority to say these things and that I think of myself as one such person.

It's only because this is what He has been teaching and convicting me about. I love the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure. That He should give His only son, to make a wretch His treasure. -haha, song, but it just came out. Anyways, the Lord loves us and wants to bless us and meet our needs day by day. But He blesses as He sees fit. He looks at the heart and so sometimes He disciplines those He loves. And sometimes your business doesn't always go through a blessing period because He wants to teach you to trust in Him to the last penny. In Proverbs the psalmist talks about how he doesn't want a penny more from God or he may forget Him and he doesn't want a penny less from Him or he will steal. What would it be like to live by that kind of faith. When you get more than enough to not keep more than you need, then give the rest away. How different would be live? How different would I live?

And because we are a blessed nation, because we do have more than we possibly would ever want, why not give it away? And not just in a humanitarian way, but in an eternal way. Let's not just clothe and feed the homeless but let's bring the Gospel to them!

I'm also realizing that writing with directness is just how I write. It's been surprisingly hard to sit here and try to keep in my passion from filling this screen. I think what I need to do more is not necessarily calm down my writing, but think with humility no matter what is on my heart, take a step back and look at my approach.

I am stepping back and looking from the outside in. I want to see the body of Christ living out what Christ said to do. I want to see the body come together on Sundays and dive into who God is and not just what He can do for us! I want us to stop getting a bad rap from outsiders because people can tell the difference between a fake and someone who is DIFFERENT because of Him who saved us. And I want to be different than the humanitarians of this world. Yes, I want to feed the hungry and clothe the naked, but what I truly want to do, even if I can't give earthy things, is bring the Gospel to the world, something others in the world can't. I want to bring an eternal mindset to the world.

His Heartbeat for ours

2010-09-17T17:42:00.008-04:00

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Why do we tend to run away from trials? Why do we run away from discomfort? Why is it so easy to preach that God wants to bless you and God wants to bless your business and your family, etc etc. But I wonder at the same time if we even take the Bible seriously. I have been asking this myself. Everyone talks about how the Old Testament and the New Testament are so so different. The New is all about LOVE and happiness, etc, etc while the Old is all about Justice and eye for eye. While this can have some truth in it, it's really not the whole truth. The problem with half truths is that they have whole lies in them.

Actually, when most pastors read about blessings, it comes from the Old Testament. Meanwhile, what these blessings are really saying is, "if you do this, I will bless you with this" They are throughout the Old Testament. His promises to Abraham and Isaac for example. But if you read them in it's entirety it says that He will bless them if they keep Him first, if they do this and this, etc. And also think about what was going on in the OT. Israel was His Chosen people. He blessed them because everyone else around them was following pagan ideals and practices. He blessed them to overflowing to show to the pagans nations that He was the one true God. Yes His love is brimming over for His chosen people, but we must do something in return, we must give Him our lives. Now in America, things are different. Everyone is "blessed" so God blessing us in the same way wouldn't work the same way for His name to be glorified. Which brings us to the NT...

Meanwhile, in the New Testament most people think of it as all about God's grace, mercy and love. It is ALL of those things! But a lot of Christians today have also mistakenly seen this as a free ride to get blessings. Maybe it's the Western Culture, it probably has a great deal to do with it. If you listen to radio stations, magazines, christian tv, it's all about what you can buy to help you in your walk, weight loss ideas and programs to become a better you, lessons on how God can bless you and your family today! It all seems so glamorous in our Western Christian bubble. And in Churches all you hear about is how God wants to bless us and how I was lost but then I was found and my finances improved, my business boomed, etc etc.

Now some of these may not be necessarily bad in themselves, but again half-truth. I do not want to believe this but sometimes I feel that this is true. We become so absorbed is being relevant and not offending and the leadership/blessings we need from Christ that we tend to skip over the verses that talk about persecution or trials, or even just about taking up our cross. Or we briefly talk about them then move on. Or possibly we believe that persecution won't come to us Christians because we live in America, home of the free where tolerance is a must, even at the stake of people's souls.

But I don't believe persecution and frankly trials was just for the old Church or the OT. I believe that the Lord wants to bless us, but our focus can't be on how He can bless us outwardly. I believe what He is talking about is that He wants to bless us inwardly and meet our needs outwardly. With the fruits of the spirit for instance. The song "So Good to Me" by Cory Asbury caught me off guard today. It's title is "So Good to Me" but in the song it spoke nothing about outward things or even in his family, etc. It was all things like love, joy, peace, and righteousness in the Holy Spirit...beauty for ashes, joy for my mourning, and life forevermore. It was all internal...especially in the hard times.

I believe that once our focus is not on us but on God and His pure love for us then it becomes not about ourselves. We begin to have a heart change. Christianity begins to wear us and we don't "wear" Christianity. It's not something outward but it's from the inside out.

And we ARE a blessed land! There is no denying it. But let's get out of our Christian bubble where God wants to bless us so we can go out to eat with family and where we can be blessed in clothing and buy all these books about becoming a better you, etc etc. I don't want to see my brothers and sisters in Christ become like that - almost with an "air" about them - I don't want to become like that.

We are blessed not for ourselves. We are blessed for others. And maybe you have to give away your worldly possessions - ha, actually you have to! :

Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." Luke 12:15
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. Luke 12:33
All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. Acts 4:32
"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?" Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. "When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Matthew 19:20-22

The World is so much bigger than the United States. While people are getting their lattes and riding their nice cars to their thousand dollar built churches, there are millions dying not only physically but spiritually on the other side of the world - heck, right down the ROAD!

What I am trying to say is, once we begin to see the big picture of what God is trying to do, we begin to understand our purpose: to be the will of God to this world. And giving our possessions and food and support to the world is amazing, but it CAN'T stop there and it can't only be for that. Humanity to the world can be good, but what profit a man to gain the world but lose His soul?

Better then stopping world hunger, putting a shirt on someones back, finding a solution to AIDs or any good humane thing, it is essential to tell them about the One that can give them eternal salvation. That is what it all comes down to. We don't stop talking about how God can bless us so that we can feed the hungry, the root of it all is simply that people need life eternal.

Our primary focus for third world countries can't be to provide food for the hungry or education for those dying of AIDs...that is good and can prolong their life, but our primary focus needs to be Christ for them. Being the hands and feet of Christ doesn't always mean physical needs, just like He blessing us isn't necessarily physical. Being the hands and feet of Christ means loving the least of these and providing Spiritual Water even if we can't provide physical.

This is going in a completely different direction then where I was originally going with this, but that's how God works, isn't it?

Bottom line: My heartcry for the Body of Christ is to simply go back to reading the Word and being that to the world. What Christ gives us we give to others. Not only do we give but we give with our words...How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!" Isaiah 52:7

This cannot start externally - this is an outpour of what is going on in the heart. He wants to first match our beating hearts with His. Discipleship begins when we get to know the person we are following. A heart change begins when we spend time with Him and find out what makes His heart beat. And it may start with simply asking for a revelation on why proclaiming Him is so important! I never want to forget the urgency of that statement. So let my eyes never leave Yours - if that means I have to say no to the world then so be it, I want You.

And one last thing, going back to the beginning. Trials and tribulation will come in this life. Either in the moments where we realize tolerance won't always work and we must take a stand (I am not talking about burning Korans, though that was his choice to make a stand like that) or in things that are out of our control. We can't always assume that blessings (outwardly) will come our way, but what we can be sure of is the joy and peace that will come from Him in the hard times - and that He has our every day and our every need in the palm of His hand. He guarantees it because He will hold us as His glory is being shone. We store up treasures in Heaven not on Earth...

God-focused

2010-09-06T12:19:00.005-04:00

I was going to be mad. I was going to say that I give up on some friendships because they've never worked anyways. That I'm tired of the feeling of knives and of giving but getting nothing back. I was going to be all those things.

But I realize it's not about me.

The message at Journey (GREAT body of Christ!) was amazing this weekend. The pastor voiced the words that I knew was on my heart but I didn't know how to voice it. He spoke about how, if one was asked, "Do you deserve the grace of God?" the church answer would be "No." But if he was to put you on lie-detector test or something that would get down to just you and God the answer would be "Yes." In truth we as American Christians, especially, believe that we somehow are entitled to grace. We are entitled to the blessings He gives us because we love Him and we've done this and this. And when bad things happen we step back and are somehow wounded because we don't understand why. It's almost to say that when God blesses us we expect it.

The problem is in the focus. When we are focused on ourselves there is no room for God. But when we are focused on God and who He is and His purpose and His plan then we become GRATEFUL for what He has done and the blessings He provides. It's not about how He can bless us, it's how we can be a blessing to others and how we can BE the church in this world today...a light in the darkness.

And so that started my mind going. As I was going through the day with friends I heard someone wish they had something else instead of this something, whereas I thought it was an amazing gift that God had given them. And that made me start thinking...when our focus is on us we begin to pick apart all the negative things about ourselves and wish for other things while who He made us is staring at us in the face. That's exactly what happened with Adam and Eve. Satan tempted her with something she DIDN'T have! But if she would have stepped back she would have seen what she DID have! We are always wanting other things and picking apart ourselves. Meanwhile, God is sitting there saying, "Don't be deceived! I gave you those gifts, I made you that way for a reason! Go make my Name known! Just as Jesus was my Hands and Feet, now you are! So go!"

But when our focus is on God, we begin to fall in love with Him and realize His love for use in such a way that it's not about us anymore! It's about loving God and loving people. We begin to see ourselves differently because we begin to wonder what our place in making Him known is. And when he uncovers beautiful treasures that He has saved just for you everything else falls away!

I wish I had known this years ago...it would have saved me from a lot of self-hatred and hurt.

And as I was thinking on these things the Lord convicted me. With friendship. If it's not about me then it's not about me giving up on friendship and me being hurt. While yes, I can position myself differently and pray instead of give, but I can't give up on friendships. I just can't because I never want the focus to be on me me me. It's about Him and I just want to be a vessel usable and malleable.

Love God and love people. Let it never be about you. Who will you serve? Yourself? People? A church? Or God?

The World Race

2010-08-30T22:50:00.003-04:00

"The number one questions I get from the youth of American is, 'What is the will of God for my life?' And I say, it's not about that, it's about being the will of God to the world.'"

-Gary Black, The World Race

Ah, the Lord knows my heart when I see this! Maybe one day!

http://theworldrace.org/

After reading all throughout the website yet again and watching a ton of videos, I feel that this opportunity would be better spent after college. I may change my mind about this opinion, but I just feel that it's somehow more final. I feel the World Race will help you find where you are to be in this world. I think it would help me more once I was out of college, because I have already been to a place where I have sought God's will for my life at the HA. So, if what I feel He wants me to do and the steps He wants me to take are what they are, then I think after college would be the right time to do it, if God calls me to it.

Man, I can't get over how backwards and upside down I'm doing things compared to everyone else. People that I graduated with are going to be juniors by the time I get back in there - granted, I'll have courses that I took at the HA so hopefully I'll only be one year behind them. ...But then again, who's to say that I have to follow the norm anyway? This life is His, after all. :)

I've been reading through Matthew...I love it! And I love the ESV Bible!

Pretty much...

2010-08-29T23:22:00.000-04:00

I want to be so close to Jesus that I smell, look, and act like Him. :)

Why I could never join a book club.

2010-08-28T19:15:00.005-04:00

I don't like discussion questions at the end of books. In the same way I don't like discussing a book after I've read it - unless the underlying message is one of my passions, haha. If it's a movie I will more than likely LOVE to spend time in deep and thought-provoking conversation. But I feel that when you read a book you have to just sit back and let it soak in.

I just finished Dear John. I was pleasantly surprised with it after being disappointed in the movie. I feel that the movie captured a picture of society now and the way our culture looks at the world. It just left me with feelings of despair and loss and maybe I need to watch it again to give it another shot, but I didn't like the underlying longing and pain that came from the movie. Not to say that happy-go-lucky movies are all that are allowed, but hope, hope is what's needed.

I feel like while the movie was very in tune with culture today, there was something timeless about the book, something timeless about most books. It was much more pure than how Hollywood displayed it - not completely, sadly, but you know :) And hope was how the book ended, circling the lesson of selfless love so wonderfully. Bittersweet and still timeless in the hope that it shared.

I can't say I'll never join a book club but I savor good books too much to dissect them, piece by piece. (And this applies to every book I've read but the Bible and Ted Dekker's Sinner :))

A day full of lessons

2010-08-25T20:43:00.007-04:00

These past couple weeks after the Honor Academy have been my "vacation" time. I've been denying that life needs to be lived and things need to get done. But by last night I was tired of it! Aha, I think my choleric may have moved up to about 10%! :D One of the things I do have to give the Honor Academy - they know how to fill up an interns day so that they can't leave and just settle. Even the biggest phlegmatics like me can't for too long! :)

So something inside of me just changed last night. Maybe it was the fact that my sister's first day of school was today and it hit me that I do not want to be a bump on a log and bum it. I need to step it up. So I forced myself to sleep around 10 and woke up around 1:30am, ate some pretzels, had a capri sun, had a dove chocolate, then forced myself to sleep again. I woke up a few minutes before my alarm clock went off this morning (ha ha, God :D) and went to put my familiar, now red, tennis shoes on. I went on our treadmill, warmed up a little then went on our back deck to do some stretches. I even counted on the four count! :D Then I headed back in and went on the treadmill. I think I like exercising outside a bit more than inside but I love being able to see visually my progress. It pushes me to keep going. While I was on the treadmill the Lord spoke something to me. He said, "It's easy to follow orders and routine but true discipline comes when the expectations fall away." That really hit me because it's going to define how I live my life. I can be all these things when I have people close by doing it too, but what will I look like after everything falls away? That's one reason I'm not the biggest fan when interns start dating right after the Honor Academy. Hannah and I were talking about this. Yeah, we're all pretty amazing at the Honor Academy when everyone around you is seeking God with all their hearts and you have a deep conversation every other conversation, but what will you look like once it all falls away and real life hits? Which brings me to my next lesson of the day...

After I was done exercising, my mom was getting ready to leave to go to work. One thing led to another and my flesh rose up because she was pointing out the negative thing I had done by not making my bed meanwhile I had a list of things that I was biting my toungue about that she hadn't done. So I snapped at her with the phrase that God spoke to me about on the treadmill about discipline! Just as soon as that came out He spoke to me again, "You can't lash out what I'm teaching you to others who haven't learned it yet."

I think one of the things that have been the hardest for me after leaving the Honor Academy is having so much pent up passion and zeal that I don't know what to do with! It's like this past year has been a time of pouring in and preparation and storing and I feel that I have all of this inside of me but nowhere and no one to give it to. I'm used to having a deep conversation every other conversation! I'm used to being convicted and having a ton of accountability in my life. I don't have it anymore. And people don't know how to take it when I try to give it here, like I would at the HA. And I understand that! My life was SO DIFFERENT this past year then what it is now. But that is no excuse for me to lash out to people with what I've learned - that's like a clanging gong! With no love, it is useless.

So then I had my BNAP (bible, notebook, and pen :)) time with God. And He brought me to Luke 11:33-36. He had boughten me to that passage on my mission trip but I hadn't fully gotten it then - now, I think I do for this season of my life. It says:

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on it's stand, so that those who come in may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely light, as when the light of a lamp shines on you.

The parts of this verse that never made sense to me was the, "your eye is the lamp of your body...etc" My honest to God train of thought was, "Ok, I don't look at porn and I don't look at guys pervertedly..." lol, I'm just being honest. But He opened my eyes up today as to what this means. My "lashing out" that we all do, stems from how I see them. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. How I see them can either bring darkness to my heart or it can bring light. Our flesh and our soul are in constant battle. Sometimes I feel like a walking Romans 7, but we as Christians all are really. We are constantly trying to destroy our flesh so that we won't live by that power anymore. I read Romans 7 and 8 on the way home from Texas and it totally changed the temperature of the ride home. And that was after I read Ted Dekker's Three, which is GENIOUS, let me tell you!

Ah, but that is not the end of the lessons for the day, not at all...

Deep down what I want to change is my heart for my future. It's easy to forget why you are going forward in a certain way when it is so out of reach and so crazy. Yeah, I'm talking about Thailand. I know that the Lord has opened that door and I know the peace that I felt when it all fell together the DAY before I went home in June. But I have been lacking the drive and the passion to keep moving forward, doing all that I can to see it happen. It almost feels like a far away dream... And then there's this whole, everyone my dad talks to talks about the dangers in Thailand. Yes, this is mostly in Bangkok but their still friggin out. I keep telling my dad that the safest place to be is in the Lord's will but I can't help but have doubts. I pray constantly, Lord is this Your will? Because I will shut this door if it's not." But a few days ago when I woke up I had this vision of this girl going down this path. She knows it's what the Lord wants her to go down so she keeps walking forward. Then all of a sudden the surroundings on the path completely change. It's not what she expected. She has two options: she can either turn around and run back and take another path or she can walk forward confidently with what she knows her Father has for her. She decides to keep walking forward on the Truth she knows. Then she comes up to a road that diverges off the main road she is taking. And the Lord was speaking to me because I realized that He has done this time and time again in my past. I know the path He has me on is His but then everything changes and it's not what I expect. He'll either confirm that it is the right path or He'll diverge the road and tell me to take it from the road I was already on.

So as I was battling these thoughts I was texting Hannah about it. As I was texting Hannah I get a text from Monica which is a forward but a really good one! Part of it said, "...Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love...lift her up when she needs you the most and let her know when she walks with you, she will always be safe....do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move yours. Lord, whatever you're doing in this season, don't do it without me!" The Lord is SO GOOD and He is so timely!!!

I know that He wants me to keep moving forward with confidence. No matter how scary or how many people say I shouldn't do it, I need to be confident in where the Lord is taking me. I know that there are some crazy things going on in Thailand, but I KNOW that if it's God's will then it's the safest place I cold ever be. Ashton told me this quote a few days back said by a missionary: "We are immortal until our time on earth is done." So, why worry?!

Man, He's teaching me that I don't need to be at the Honor Academy to learn so many lessons, I just need to be seeking HIM!

2010-08-24T00:39:00.004-04:00

"No matter where you go in this country, if you are white, people will notice you. They stop whatever they're doing, smile like they're posing for a glamour shot, then wave enthusiastically in your direction. Perhaps they think we are brining food, medicine, clothes. They know we are here because we choose to be. We could be doing a thousand other things in a thousand other places. Instead, here we are, the pale ghosts of hope."

...

"What is it about this place, Gordon? It twists you all up inside and messes with your head."

"And your heart."

"Yeah, that too."

"In this place, Stu, God has a way of bring people down to the essence of who they are."

Scared, Tom Davis

We may be "blessed" and God may bless us, but it's so we can be a blessing to others. It's so we can be nothing to ourselves, so they can be something in Him.

Open up your eyes.

See the world through more than just your American life

Can you see the souls behind what's going on?

Do you know what's going on?

His ultimate Plan is calling

Calling us to awaken and be His hands and feet.

This is the great commission.

1 Corinthians 12 - If we are the body, why aren't we moving?

So if you are called to be a sender - send! Be here in the United States! God knows the people here need it! And send others out with the finances you were blessed with!

If you're called to be a goer - GO! The world is waiting.

If you are called to be an interceder - Intercede! Prayers are so much more powerful then we as Americans look at it. Get a heart for the nations, for your neighborhood! And intercede for them!

If you are a called to be a mobilizer - MOBILIZE! The Church needs to be awakened! We need to realize what God's doing and be apart of it!

If you are called to be a greeter - greet! When foreigners come into your country, LOVE on them! Make sure you are the first to greet them and you are the first to love on them with the love that only Christ can bring!

Pastor Matt said at church this weekend that God told him to condense his message to just one point: God wants us to get on board with what He's doing. I firmly believe that. We are the Body of Christ. We all have a role to play. Seek God. Seek HIS will for your life - and then with His power, live it out. It wasn't a Great Suggestion, it was a great Commission (Matt 28).

love in it's purest form.

2010-06-17T18:04:00.003-04:00

I've been getting so much revelation about love lately that it's crazy!

Love is selfless, real love is anyways. If you don't know how to be selfless, you won't know how to love, you can't learn to love. I used to hear the phrase, "You can't love someone else if you don't know how to love yourself." I would assume it as true, even accepting it as something I needed in my life, but I never understood it. I'm beginning to.

You can't love someone else unless you love yourself because love is selfless. If you don't know how to love yourself you'll be looking for others to give you such affirmation that can only be acquired in Truth of who you are. You are asking someone to affirm you and meet your needs, which isn't selfless at all for them. It is to say, "Love me if I do this...if I do this, you'll love me! So I'll be what you want so that you will love me!" You are allowing love to be conditional in the other person. For you to love yourself would mean that you understand who you are and you ask others to love you for who you are. It also means that you have no expectation on them, they do not have to be something or match up to something to gain your love. When they do something to wrong you, you don't instantly hate them or feel completely wronged because you learn to love selflessly. Yes, hurt is there, but a love that is so completely deep is the foundation that ties the two of you together. You stop thinking about the hurt that has been done to you and start thinking about the other person, because you know you are whole enough to get back up and love someone else.

Oh man, love is something else all together. Perfect love casts out fear. Fear is a result of lack of trust. A lack of trust comes forth from being unsure or unsettled. When you love yourself, you won't be fearing if the other person loves you or not. You are whole and they are whole. Sefless love casts out fear because you don't have to worry if the other person is looking for their own gain or not. Once knowing that this is what you are looking for when arguments or hurt comes, when selfish gain is being brought into the picture you will be able to point to it - saying, "This is the problem and this is the source that it's coming from."

So when hurt comes, when people wrong you or hurt you, you can stop and say, "Hey, I love you." Not because you are okay with the way they are harming you, but because you honestly love them regardless. Instead of being stung with the lack of affirmation you stand strong knowing who you are. Yes, it hurts, but hurt brings healing which brings growth. Love is a risk because you don't always know if the other person is being selfless with love the way you do. It's a risk for the other person because they don't know if you are always going to be selfless either. It's a risk to trust, but it's worth it. When you are able to rise up past the wrong, you truly do see the big picture and you are able to see them in a different light, with hurts of their own. Selfless love brings forgiveness.

It's a beautiful thing, love. It's so full and so pure in itself.

Mmm...I could go on but I will rest in that...the beauty of simplicity, the beauty of laying down your life for someone else, your needs, your wants, your selfish ambition, the beauty in loving.

Favorite Hymm

2010-05-07T21:31:00.002-04:00

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.

(Though I don't know many hymms...haha.)

It's such an amazing song...mmm, I've had it n my head since Wednesday night.

Is Your Gift a Covering or a Ruby?

2010-03-13T23:03:00.003-05:00

Wow. I'm "picking up the keyboard again." I can't believe it's been so long since I've written (on here anyways). It feels like it's been ages, probably because it has. And, you know what? It's okay and it's not okay.

It's not okay that I haven't written in so long because I know I let Satan steal A TON of blessings that could have been shared for all I've been learning. But, I'm not going to give him that foothold and feel condemned because the Lord shows His glory no matter what. Yes, I can start now & I should so that I can be a blessing as well as allow people back home to feel connected with me more. I feel like I've been bad with that. I don't feel that I have been staying connected with people as much, and I'm sorry for that. I'll try much more.

But it's also okay that I haven't written, for me at least. I believe God gives us gifts and talents to use for His glory. We all have them: Singing, writing, instruments, dancing, art, kite flying (haha, it's what popped into my head) and numerous other gifts. I believe one He gave me is writing (even when I'm not sure of that, I am sure that it's what I love and that's the same thing). But something I've noticed in this past semester since I haven't been doing much of that, is that writing is my comfort zone.

It's a harmful place to be when the gift God has given you becomes a covering instead of a device used to shine His Glory through. Because I love to write and that is the way I best communicate, I would use that to show who I am. It became what I hid behind when I had to explain myself and I would excuse myself from using any other form of communication by saying that I just love to write.

Since being here, I've been forced to be around these people AAALLL the time, and the Internet isn't really something firm that holds us together. I've been forced to get out of my comfort zone. I've had to start communicating my heart and my mind through my words spoken, which is the hardest thing for me. Anyone that knows me, knows that.

And because I was forced into action, I was also forced to search inside of me more and confront the fear that had taken root and foothold of me for so long. I believe two things that I'm learning about myself is that I have a fear of explaining myself...not of the actual content (my blogs are proof, haha) but of not being able to. There, right there. I have fear that I won't be able to communicate who I am. Stemming from there, it leads to a trust issue. That's the other weakness I'm learning about myself. I have a hard time trusting certain people because I'm afraid that I won't be able to communicate who I am and they won't wait around long enough to hear me out.

Fear and trust.

Horrible things to have taken root in your heart.

These two things are what I have been working on the most, as I reevaluate myself and find healing.

I think it's safe to say that we focus on the weaknesses so much more than our strengths. That can be harmful at times because instead of excelling in what He has given you, we can get swallowed in our weaknesses and miss out on being a blessing to others. That's something I'm realizing about myself. Because I'm with so many leaders and so many others that are extremely strong and growing, it can be easy to look at your weakness and feel inferior. It's hard to say, but it's hard for me to excel in a room full of leaders. If someone is "outshining me" in a sense, it's hard for me to see my gits and talents and shine forth as well. There is a problem in the focus. I can't just shine back at home or when I feel in my comfort zone, but I must learn to change my focus instead. If my focus is squarely and only on my relationship with God then it won't matter what other people are doing. Ephesians 4 talks about how Christ descended onto earth so He would be ascended higher. It's the same with us. He has given us all gifts and when we live in such a humble way, looking only to Christ than we are brought together in such unity, each doing it's separate work in the Body. That is an amazing picture for me. In the same way as Christ, when we decrease or, descend and take delight in others' giftings and when others are raised up, then before we know it Christ will have taken us higher.

The hard part is getting past our hard-headed minds and our constant comparison. And it also takes constantly getting out of our comfort zones to be able to realize where we struggle in the first place...definitely something that this place has done for me.

I want the strengths that He has given me to shine through my life. Like a ruby shines beautifully when light is shining through it, I want my life and my strength to shine brightly in the light of His life. I don't want to hide behind them, while not showing their full potential; instead, I want them to be an out pour of His love and magnified for His glory. Help me to guard my heart when the Enemy tries to pour out lies into me, for when he attacks the strongest, you know it's because God is about to do something big in and through you.

Just a little reality sinking in.

2009-08-09T23:25:00.002-04:00

So last night it hadn't sunk in that I was leaving (wow, was it really last night? I guess road trips and changing states does that to you). It still didn't this morning because I guess I was still in North Carolina. And I hadn't thought it would sink in until I was at the airport to fly down to Texas. I guess I just thought that going to Florida would be like every other year and I would think it was just a trip instead of a launching point.

But it started sinking in when the trip down here was almost over. I looked back and my mom, who was sitting in the back, was looking at me. I was like, "what?" And she was just like, "I was just thinking about how there will be one less person in the car on the way back.." And I was like, "Mom, don't talk like that!" And my dad cracked a joke about how at least they'll get better gas mileage. ha ha ha, dad. :D But as I turned back around and looked out the window at my favorite clouds of all time, I realized that they were right. And that, is when it started to sink in.

It's hard because I know that it's not just a trip I'm taking and I'll be back, but I'm actually leaving! Ha..it'll be fine and I'll end up loving it, but for now it's sad.

My cell phone background is a picture of last night and everyone on the couch and I think I'm gonna have to change it because it's making me just too sad. haha. :D

It's funny because people prayed over me that God would be with me when I got lonely and until now I hadn't had that feeling so I was just kinda like, ok, cool. But now I understand it a little more.

Lol, buuut I'm gonna hit the hay. I am about to fall asleep just typing this...and as Kristina would call it, I'm about to go into beast mode because the girls are being silly and they want me to join in but I am just waaay too tired. haha...so night world! :D

Those Nights :)

2009-08-09T02:24:00.006-04:00

I am just amazed. Amazed by God, amazed by who He is and how He cares and the life He writes for all of us, each journey, each person, each path, each decision, each valley, each mountain, each laugh, each cry...every fiber of our beings and every step we will reach. Breath-taking, amazing, awe-inspiring, majestic, beautiful, crafted, delicate, firm, steadfast...oh I could go on and on. but I will just breathe in this fragrance and out this thankfulness. k

I am just so blown away. I guess you don't fully realize all that has been given to you for a season until you look back at it. I just...I don't even know what to say. I pray that I have blessed each of you that I call friends as much as you blessed me.

I thank God for making me so emotional a day before I was saying good-bye to everyone. Haha, if I were as emotional as I was the day before today (er, yesterday :P) I would be a wreck when you guys prayed over me and when I said my good-byes. I think it was good that the hang-out was right after a fundraiser was OVER...stress was released and out came a day of joy and fun...sadness, but mostly joy and fun.

Mmm....I thank God for each of you. I thank God for everything you have given to me: memories, laughs, talks, wisdom, even the bad times, I thank God for it all.

And I thank God for prayer. It brings such Unity. I love that word. Like last night, the leaders of New Beginnings Church prayed over me after we used their facility that they more than graciously offered. I was just blown away by what they were saying because some of it was closely related to what the guy prophesied over me that Sunday night(which I look back and go, wow, because if c3 hadn't of done those service projects I wouldn't have come to hear the guy and I wouldn't have experienced that! I love how intricate His plannings are) But anyways, I was explaining to one of the Men who prayed over me that I thought it was so amazing how it correlated and I know I sounded amazed because he was like, "But it's one God, one Holy Spirit, one Jesus. Of course it was the same thing." And he went on to talk about how people get blown away when God is the same everywhere and how denominations are dividers but God is all about Unity. And I just LOVED that, because it hit me. I do that all the time...I'm so hesitant to worship or do different things when I'm at a different church, let alone a different denomination. And I guess that was a lesson that God is teaching me even right now, that when I go down to Texas, it will be the SAME God that goes down with me, even if the atmosphere is different, and even if the worship style of some is different...it is the same God. We will all be coming from different backgrounds and different denominations, but we are all serving the same God and were are all worshiping the same Savior and living with the Same Holy Spirit inside of us. That is comfort right there.

But last night and tonight were amazing. I was prayed over twice by a big group of people. :) I just still can't take in all that God is doing and all that He has for my future. This lady came up to me after they all prayed for me last night and told me that she really feels God wants me to know that He has my God-guy (as she put it) for me and that He's preparing him for me and that he's praying for me as well. She talked about how God wanted me to know that He knows and understands and that I won't have to search for him, that he will just come and I'll know. Wow. But more than any wow, I began to realize that hey, if God is the same everywhere, He coulda told me that Himself (even though I always had that foundation). So why didn't He? And I realized it is my own fault. My serious quiet times have been slacking...though they haven't been steady for a while now. But my intimate times have been really few and far between. I pray constantly, but when do I stop and listen? I guess I haven't been doing much of that and that's what I'm going to start working on. Yes, I believe that the fact that God speaks through people is amazing and such a witness to my heart as well as others. But wouldn't/couldn't He say that to you directly if you took the time to listen? So that is speaking to me, most definitely. And that's what I'm going to work on.

I just thank you Father for the season in my life that you have given me over the past years. I thank you for the people especially that have been put in my life, even if they weren't there tonight. I thank you for the memories that you have given me from each person and the things that they have taught me through it. And I pray for their futures as well. I pray that they are always sensitive to your nudges and where you say go, they will go, where you say don't they will not, where you say not now, they will wait, and where you say speak, they will take a stand. And I pray that for me as well. I know that not all of them are gone from my race, but it is going to be quite different for some time. So I just pray that you hold all of our futures and you guide us with each step. I thank You for Your Love, oh Your love. I can't even describe it, but out of that flows all Your reasons and all of Your ways. And for that, I'm forever greatful. Thank you, thank you, thank you Father!

The Words I Would Say

2009-08-08T11:45:00.004-04:00

I heard this song this morning on the radio and I loved it. :)

http://www.sidewalkprophets.com/ (this is a better version because it's not the chipmunks...then go down and you'll see it..click play :))

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
Gods got his hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
Gods got his hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the father,

Be strong in the lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
Gods got his hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

Moving forward

2009-08-03T18:38:00.003-04:00

I'm so excited for Texas. So so excited. This is where I'm supposed to go, and I'm so completely stoked.

I do hope I get to hang out with friends this week. It'll be fun and probably sad when it comes to an end, but that's okay. I'm ready to move on, move on to the next stage of my life.

I just have this unmistakable twinge in my soul that God is working behind the scenes so much more than I can possibly imagine, a twinge of excitement that just today I began to get. I'm just so excited for it, whatever it is.

:)

2009-08-03T02:07:00.001-04:00

Dear Week,

Please don't creep by too fast. I may cry.

Love, me

A ripple effect that doesn't quite make sense because I'm tired.

2009-07-20T01:58:00.005-04:00

And I owe You me
For the rest of my life
I give it all to You
For laying down Your Life

And I beg You please,
Rescue me
You're my life, my everything

I can't sleep. It's funny how the times when you have to wake up early are the nights you can't sleep. Funny how insignificant and small that is.

Discouragement. And even bigger things than discouragement. But they lead to discouragement. And then Satan gets a foothold, because you are discouraged and upset and you forget about the bigger picture than the discouragement...the whole reason why discouragement is even there...to get your eyes off the battle.

Bare with me. It's late and I probably won't make much sense...but I never really promised to, did I? Ha, it's a funny thing to realize. Somehow weight is lifted from your shoulders.

But anyways. I'm not talking about fundraising...ha, people have been asking me so much lately how the fundraising is going and I've just been like, "It's going FINE!" haha, because it's just something I'm not used to and because I'm new at it so it's frustrating and stressful and worrisome.

And then worrisome in this picture is caused by fear (bare with me, it's a ripple effect). Fear drawn forth from others close to you that worry about the economy...and about needs being met. And that brings us to trust.

Trust being a step bigger. Trust in that God will provide...that God is enough.

And then when the people closest to you lose that: first the trust, then that leads to worry, then it leads to discouragement, and then it's dumped on you, but in reverse, so that you get the lesser of the evils first, but you don't realize where they come from at first....which leads to stress and frustrations. And it's this big ripple effect. Ha. And so while you're worried about the little "waters" as Pastor Matt said this weekend, what you should be really worried about is the Big Battle that is bringing all of this forth. In this case: trust in God and from that obedience...which is so crucial in leading a life for Him.

And then even that...when the trust is shaken, it will lead to other problems in life...if you don't trust Him, then where is your life going? You have given Satan a foothold. Apathy. Discouragement. Lies. Broken-ness...dkfjdklddkli...i don't care if that's not a word...ugh, i don't care that I didn't pay attention enough with vocabulary. And it screws up everyone else around you. And I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad.

But I'm not mad at just you. This is where my compassion comes in. I'm mad at the Enemy for getting that leverage. And I'm mad at the Body for not holding you accountable. And I am mad at you for not focusing on what matters. I'm mad at you for not trying. I'm mad at you for deeming other things more important. I'm mad at you for giving God credit for things you did. (And I'm not being hypocritical with all this...I'm fully aware that we all do this, I'm just being honest) I'm mad that Satan can so easily get the foothold. I'm mad. And I don't really know where to direct my anger at, or where it needs to go to help this, to solve this. Because I am NOT giving up. I am not letting this go. I am not letting you go. I'm not letting you get away this easily...it's not my decision ultimately, but I will not be silent and do nothing.

Father, in my heart I pray that you rescue me. Not from my situations, but from my mindset, and from my deep sadness and from my anger. Rescue me from this mindset on the "water" like the Israelites, but let me focus on the Battle, the War, the reason for all of this garbage. Whisper in my ear and let me be patient. You are not a God of seperation, but a God of unity. And I am here to claim that my joy will not be stolen based on circumstance and that You are ever here and you are ever knowing.

(Sometimes I hate that I'm so personal on these blogs...I show such a huge side of my self and I know that people read this...ugh, I don't know. I always think about the denying of myself when it comes to that though...if even one person get's encouragement from my...well, David-like behavior, then that's what matters I guess...what do yall think honestly? Do you think I should write this amount of depth in a blog? (I mean, only like two people should even know what I'm talking about up there, but still.) You can be anonymous if you want, I'd just like to know.)

If you think you know what this means, you probably don't

2009-07-18T11:28:00.003-04:00

This song has so much meaning in it. I'm applying it to one area of my life...and it's not really that boy/girl thing. Sometimes I think I'll wake up tomorrow and going to Texas would all be a dream. Like I had just dreamed all this preperation and all this hard fundraising and that I'll wake up and have my classes set up for some other college that's three hours away at the most. And I don't think I'd want it in the least if I didn't have this attribute about myself that wants to fix and hold it together.

Kristina and I joke about this sometimes, because we're so similiar in this area. It's hard for me to not try to fix situations. People come to me because I have "wisdom" and i'm always the go-to girl who you don't listen to when things are going okay, but when when comes crashing down you run to. So I try to fix. I guess it's the nurturer inside of me. I'm the Middle Man, the referee. Bottom line: I try to be the tape that holds it all together. And that burns me out. Because I get wripped and torn. And of course I would. I'm not the Tape that you really need. I have to constantly remind myself of that.

It's almost like I can't leave. Me, trying to be the tape that holds it together feels that if I leave that everything will fall apart...because what's left of my tape will leave. And you always hear stories of this. How others have felt like this when this happened. But that's not supposed to be your story. So you try to fix it. Fix it, fix it, fix it. But three is a crowd. And I'm just a kid.

But I have to let it go. Why does it have to re surface? Why does it have to suck? Why can't I do anything about it? "You'll be able to see when people are in bondage...and the Holy Spirit will speak words to you that will bring life to people." Hm. I do have so much to say, but I'm not entirely sure if they all would come from the Holy Spirit, but from my own aggrivated flesh. So I'll be still. Actually last night, before I had that conversation, I had a single question pop into my brain of what to say. So maybe that was the Holy Spirit.

Because I'm tired of this. I hate this for you. And I don't understand this.

But, I must leave. And if it falls apart because the ametuer tape leaves, then so be it. You need the Strong Tape, the Super Tape, the Duct Tape (ha, I tried not using this term because everyone laughs when it's used) that will truly hold this together.

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
So I don't think I'm going to go to LA anymore

-In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer

Half of my posts lately have been youtube videos..haha.

2009-07-14T16:00:00.001-04:00

But I love this song!!! Wow, amazing song. :)

Reaffirmation and obeidiance in each step.

2009-07-13T00:09:00.006-04:00

Tonight was so amazing. Only because God is so amazing and reaffirmation is beauty.

So I came to the Underground late...I walked in and this guy was praying over this guy...and I was like, huhh?? haha, he was prophesying over him!! I was like, what? Naw, what did I come to...? I was VERY critical at first...I mean, I've never experienced this unless it was under the lines of crazy churches where they pray in tongues over you and you are supposed to either fall to the floor or run around the room screaming. And I had only been to THAT kind of church once before when I was in middle school and my mom and I went with one of her friends. Ha, so I was like, what is this?? I'm not a very critical person, I'm just not...haha, as much as I'm not a "hold grudges" kind of girl...those are just not two things that I struggle with the MOST...it's actually very hard for me to do either. I can tend to be too open minded about certain things...and yet I'll surprise myself by being super critical on others. So I was very...wary on this...yet open to what God was doing....my prayer was kinda like..."ok, God, I don't know what I've gotten myself into, buut You have your way." So I sat in near the back and listened. As he got to more of the people I knew closely...I started to hear truth in what He was saying and I could sense the Holy Spirit's presence. He captured things that he would have no business knowing...and he couldn't possibly know. Somewhere between people Adell saw me and motioned for me to sit in front of her in the second row. So I did...the whole point of the night was that he could pray over the Seniors.

As I listened to each person's I was blown away with how the Holy Spirit was speaking...how he was naming characteristics that each had...how he spoke about journaling with one...which was crazy...and just different things...it gets more crazy for me as we get to mine. So he called me up and so I went...

It was just...welll...reaffirmation at it's finest! The first thing he said was that I am a runner. A runner....baha, i was like...oh no! he knows that I have to run in Texas!! :P Baha, but naw...Ashton told me it reminded her of The Lord of the Rings...haha, I've never seen it, but of the girl...Argon?...no, Arwen..it's in Captivating...when she rescues Frodo from the poison getting to his heart by wanting to take him to his father and even when Aragorn was like, no stay with the hobbits I'll send horses for you, but she was like naw, I do not fear them, I'm the faster rider, etc etc. haha, so I guess it reminded her of that...when he said that I'm the runner...the helper. He also said I was a servant and I'll be a servant. A helper....as he was talking it was almost like a Ezer...it's in Captivating. It's what "helper" really is when God is talking about Eve in Genesis. Ezer actually means Lifesaver, helpmate. As he was talking about me it was like he was describing that. I'll be almost "behind the scenes" in a lot of things, but that's not a bad thing. And he said, even if it's making sandwiches. I was like, oh no he didn't!! HAHAHA, he had nooo idea about that! No one really did besides Ashton and Kristina...Thomas didn't even know I was doing that..because i was thinking...well had Ashton told them I had done that?!? And as I've been reflecting on that..I'm recalling being out there today and a stirring inside of me to do MORE than just that...I had talked to several people about it...this ache inside of me to serve them more...to be more than just the "have a nice day" as I go back to my nice house and as I know you are going back to the same ol' thing, living on the streets. He also talked about how much I will touch peoples lives. Then he said it. My feet will touch foreign ground...foreign lands. He saw missions in me! I almost peed my pants, I will not lie!! He said that I have such a long life in front of me. He said that I will touch those that are wealthy in stuff..but poor in spirit. And that I will gain influence through my servant's heart and being of a gentle spirit and through my heart to people. I thought of Thailand...again, not gonna lie. I mean, they are like a second world country, so they are not horribly under privileged...well, yes, but you know what I was thinking about. He said how I will win favor with people and there will be a sense of peace in my household that people will be able to sense. He also said, "Now if I may even say a prophetic or something like that"...I'll have to see the notes.. But it was like, from my just being a servant and a helper God will develop other gifts in me...boldness was a term he used. Which is HUGE for me...like he spoke on how it wasn't a bad thing that I had the gifts I did, and that God will even put more things in me. There was so much more, but these are what's coming to my mind right now.

When his wife spoke she sensed that I was like the story where the cup is flowing in dif other cups...I can't think of where it's at so hopefully the leaders that were taking notes of all of us caught that...but she said spoke almost about how it comes from the Holy Spirit and I won't run out if I go to Him for it. And she also said that God will give to me over and abundantly then I could have ever asked in the things that I've felt empty in in the past....which I can so apply to my life...and wow. Then she spoke about how I will be able to recognize when people are in bondage and when things are not right in their life. And I will be able to speak with boldness and words when God puts those in me to speak life into people. She said more as well, but I don't think it's a bad thing that some things come in spurts...when the time comes, as I'm following Christ's direction, I can look back and be like, wow, this guy said that! Thank You Lord.

I mean...I don't think it's crazy...this whole prophecy thing. I know some churches believe that these things aren't alive in churches today or relevant...but I mean, have you seen our society? This is reaffirmation of what I've been thinking about in the past week. It's like we've grown used to doing things without the help of God...it's almost like we don't believe and have the faith for things like prophecy...because we don't need it...we have enough faith for our little lives and we're comfy right here. Of course, I believe you need to be guarded about things like false prophets, but when you saw the "obnoxious joy" that was shown in him when he was talking about his Jesus and singing new songs about Him...you could just tell. And how he was saying crazy stuff that totally FIT.

1 Corinthians 14:6

1 Corinthians 14:22

It doesn't matter if I'm prophesied over a million times, if I don't look to God. We have choice...and I believe that if we're not looking to God in things we can so easily miss blessings. So that is why Father, I'm giving it all to You. You know the plans You have for me, so I trust in You. And I will follow you step by step. Obedience by obedience. You are leading me in all my ways and I trust that You will meet all my needs for Your plan. Hold tight to me Father, I only want to do Your will. Thank you for setting me free in areas so I can be free in the future. Thank you for each new lesson and I pray that I am always sensitive to Your Spirit so that I can live out what You have for me. I can scarcely imagine all a life lived for you can ever look or be like. But thank you for it...for such a time as this. Thank you Father, for all of your love and for all life has in store, day by day.

Trust requires knowledge

2009-07-11T13:36:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I get discouraged when life shows me how fickle it can be. But that's okay, because I'm looking forward and up...the best direction to look. And of course my head is on swivel to the things around me, but not so much towards the things that don't matter and get me down. I can only be so much...the rest is God's.

There are certain truths that I believe He can and will do: anything. I believe it's bull to believe you will stay where you are and it's just a fact of life. My God is so much more powerful than that...and I will live that out...all for His Glory, not mine. My heart melts when people give me compliments like, "you make me want to grow closer to God..seeing you and your status'.." or other compliments like that...it melts me because that's what I want...I want God to show up in my life...what a powerful life that is! All for God's glory, not mine. Someone once asked me what the best compliment I ever got was. I couldn't think of one in particular but it's just things like that. When people tell me that God shines through me and my life...wow, the best. And I want to know Him...that verse...I want to really know Him, more and more each day. It's beautiful, it really is. I don't need to know what's going to happen down the road or why things happen...but just to know Him...to really know Him...the rest doesn't matter.

It's like when you are completely comfortable with a person. You trust them. But that trust doesn't develop over night or in the instant that you meet. It takes a relationship to form and requires you to really get to know the person. You aren't going to trust them with diddly squat if you don't really know them...so why would it be any different with God? I think the most harmful thing that can happen is when you have faith based on circumstance...the fluctuating faith...when things are going great, you truly believe He is there and that He loves you and is more than enough for you, but when things are going bad, somehow He is not there, He is not sufficient, and He is not able to meet your needs. (And I speak for myself when I get so caught up in my circumstances that I forget who He is.)

It makes me think of when I ride with people. :P It truly requires me to trust them with their driving skills...there are only certain people that I am completely comfortable to ride with. I feel like I can just sit back and let them "take the wheel" (baha, I know I just opened myself up to being able to use a "Jesus Take the Wheel" YouTube video, but I will glady refrain) And even when they do things out of their character, like text or overly speed, lol, or slam on the brakes lots, or swerve, I still have trust in them...probably not the wisest, but I do. But it takes me to really know them and their driving skills to know if I truly trust myself in their care. Like my dad...I probably trust him the most even though he sometimes drives too fast and swerves to show off...yes, I tell him to stop but I still trust him.

I think it's the same way with God. We don't always know what He's doing, because He does something "out of His character" and we don't understand. But like with my dad, I trust Him enough because of getting to know him and "driving" with him long enough to know that he really knows what He's doing.

Kind of a weak parallel, but it works. :D

I'm also thinking about friendship...over the years and now. I've been thinking about the layers and sections that people fall into. The leaves, the branches, and the roots. And I'm thinking how that can change so easily, and how some people are only there for a season...and that's okay.

Oh goodness...such a powerful song.

2009-07-11T01:50:00.000-04:00

Good message, but this scared me, not gonna lie. :D

2009-07-10T01:48:00.002-04:00

haha, it's just so...creepy. When she yells at the camera and then repeats everything and goes up close...makes me think she's going to step into a scary movie...but, haha, it is adorable and sweet that she has that message to share. I sure hope she grows up knowing that..if all children grew up knowing and believing that, it would sure change a generation..and then the world. :)

I stumble, You teach, We grow

2009-07-08T21:56:00.004-04:00

I'm growing up. tear*tear. I'm realizing that more as I step back and look at situations that have happened and how I've responded to them. And I guess I can only say I'm growing up because I'm learning through mistakes I've made & I'm realizing that life would be a whole lot better if I could grab myself by the shoulders on one of my worst days and be like, "Look you! You need to calm and buckle down because in a few days your going to look back at yourself, chuckle, and just shake your head. It would be a whole lot better if you understood this now, instead of later" Oh, silly me. But I'm thankful for a God who is Steadfast, even when I'm all over the place.

I'm learning a lot more about obedience through these situations. Like, something will all begin. A little voice inside of me tells me, hey do this. I'm either too lazy or I don't think it should be done or will help the situation at all, so I don't do it. Now fast forward to the ending...come to find out I should have been persistent and I would have found a different way, but it would have solved some things. Or when I'm having a crappy day and God is telling me to read Captivating or read the Bible and I'm just stubborn and I'd rather be miserable then listen to Him...hey, there obedience, you always creep up on me...so I don't read it. Then, the next morning I start reading it and it was exactly what I needed to hear the night before. Thank God His mercies are new every morning! Or I would be toast!

I think lately, I was letting Satan attack me. I was letting doubts come to me about if I was doing the right thing by going to the Honor Academy...and doubts that I was doing the right thing because the fundraisers weren't working out. But I read Oswald Chambers today and I don't think it hit then, but it's beginning to. It was on being faithful to HIM! Through those acts of obedience and through knowing Him, not having to know where He is leading you, but through those little acts of obedience His way will be made clear. I'm beginning to learn that. And oh boy, is it so hard for me! Just last night I was thinking about how I hadn't been messing up in a certain area for a while...then this morning I totally did! I'm just learning so much lately that I can't really contain fully all of what I am learning...but I'm a work in progress, and I'm moving forward constantly...learning from Him and about Him. That's the only way we'll ever get anywhere. Isn't that the truth! Through all of this, He's teaching me to hear His still small voice...and with any prayer, to listen.

So yeah...I'm loving this life that He has blessed me with, only because He is leading it. I wouldn't have it any other way. If I need to die more to myself (which I KNOW I do), then teach me Father.

Oh yeah. :) This is what the Body is supposed to do. Ridiculous Love. :)

2009-07-04T18:50:00.001-04:00

Restoration

2009-07-02T14:43:00.002-04:00

Alright, so instead of finishing that story I'm just gonna explain what the image was. It was of a heart in a castle in a tall tower. It was of course guarded, but it didn't really have those walls up like the story built. The heart was asleep like in the story and was tossing and turning like in the story. The image was sort of the climax and ending of the story I wrote. By the end of it the heart was tossing and turning so much that it was going to injure itself. (i guess I will go on with some of the story because my mind wants to, lol) The mind, body, strength, and soul finally was just like, "Alright, Christ, come make it all new. Settle this heart." so the next part (back to my original image) is of Christ coming into the tower and just stroking the heart like you would some one's hair. He spoke calming words and breathed power into it, the same power that conquered the grave. He restored it back to it's full potential and healed it's bruises until it was resting peacefully and content once again. (Now back to the story...) He then went to each of the others and restored them. He brought joy back into the soul so that it could dance and worship again. He renewed the Strength so that it felt confident. He energized the Body and made it feel like it was okay again. And He renewed the Mind. It was transforming while it kept moving forward. Things just didn't go to perfect after that, there was some struggles but the fire was back and the desire was there.

The image came to me a little while ago because my sleep wasn't well. I constantly tossed and turned and was restless. I just wasn't in a good place. I feel like I have needed to get my heart and everything else in the right place with God before I go to Texas. It's because this year is going to be so different and God will be teaching me so much that I need to get everything else lined up after that. I'm starting to pray now for my future roommates and for my CORE group and CORE group Advisor. I'm praying for the new friendships that I'll be making and the memories that will be made. ...People joke with me that I'm going to meet my future husband there...HA!...i highly doubt it considering I am just out of high school and God still has a lot to work on me with...like self-confidence to even THINK that. And that is NOT why I'm going there so I'm trying to guard myself against those thoughts...because believe it or not, I'm a girl, and I'm not completely invincible (though sometimes I'd like to think I am). I'm also praying that God will give me a clear direction for my life and what He wants from it.

Ah, so yeah, that was the image in all it's glory, haha. I had a pretty decent day today...now trying to figure out what else I need to get done before another day is over.

What a beautiful song

2009-06-30T20:32:00.000-04:00

You want to understand me? Read this.

2009-06-19T16:26:00.008-04:00

I have yet another image running through my mind. I told it to Kristina a little - but definitely not in this detail and...lol, yeah, my fingers do the work. But it's of this heart, or at least for this story we are going to focus on it. The setting is a room in this tower in this big castle. The heart is sleeping; it's supposed to sleep, that's what it's mission is until it is Awakened, (...if you know your Word, you know where I'm taking this..;)) until it's Prince comes (though this isn't apart of the image that was in my head, i'm just being a girl). Then when he touches the heart, after Elyon tells him it's okay to do so (well, now that i'm reading this back i don't like it because it says when it desires, so i think they are both hearts that are asleep and they both wake up...his just may awake a bit earlier than hers, haha, there, better..haha, you can tell it's a rough draft)...oh, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to the beginning, shall we? ;) (oh, I love storytelling!)

Scene. So this heart is in this big castle's tower, like you dream about when you were little and like you see in Sleeping Beauty and all those classic stories. Like I said before, the heart is sleeping. That is it's purpose and it's mission. That's all it needs to do. It's been placed there specifically and strategically. Love put it there, an amazing kind of love that's all included in the Great Romance and it is not to be opened until a certain love comes...but again! I'm getting ahead of myself! Silly me. ;)

So this heart has been sleeping nicely for quite sometime. Dreaming beautiful dreams and content. As it sleeps it is being shaped and it's being cultivated. It is resting and it is peaceful. Preparation is it's season of life and preparation is all it knows. Of course there are other things going on while it sleeps - Elyon isn't contained in time nor in place - no, there are many other parts that are fulfilling its separate duties, all connected for this one purpose: to love Elyon, to agape Elyon. But for right now, the heart is being protected and guarded - while it's other parts are off doing what Elyon called each to do. Its body is living and breathing and completely alive and active to it's surroundings: taking in all it's senses and thriving on life. it knows it is only for a temporary time but it's fulfilling its role. Its soul is being reformed and nourished and replenished as it rejoices in it's Savior. It is secure and it worships. The mind is being taught how to think. It is being taught how to absorb Truth and how to use it. It is being trained to fight in the battlefield that is hosted in it's premises and how to win it all to Elyon's Glory. It takes capture all the thoughts that run through it and destroys the Enemy' lies. It only uses about 10% of it's own capacity, but of course that is to be expected, it couldn't handle any more, at least not now. The strength is being built and tested. It is not just outer strength but inner. It is being prepared for anything that comes, to be ready to hold it's ground But the heart, oh the heart, it is the wellspring and it is being kept. It is the core because it is the most used and most relied upon. It is a beautiful thing when all works together to do just what it is called to do. But when things start to go wrong and each part isn't going to their Maker and Sustainer things take a turn for the worst. (was that just the prologue? jeesh!)

This is just one story. There are many different stories, many different ways things can go wrong and how far they are taken that way. This is just one, one that tells a tale that is not even remotely finished but it's one of those that has a beginning that needed to be sorted out and understood before any kind of story could be written or mastered. This is it's beginning.

We know the reason for the Fall: once one slides and tumbles it all does. Like most stories this one starts with the Fall of the mind. It was doing very well for a while. All of the parts were actually, after they were Saved. Of course, before the Savior they were all like little children, wandering and confused, but after the Save they were excited and ready to Live, really live, and ready for anything. There was only one Command that they must do: love Elyon, and out of that love will flow what they needed. In order to love Him, they had to know Him, so they started right away, thirsting after Him, craving Him and learning more and more about Him. The body danced and showed, the soul worshiped and rejoiced, the mind thought and pondered, destroyed and captured. The strength was constantly built and tested, in small ways at first and the heart was poured into and taken care of and put to sleep. It gave off it's own sleeping perfume that made it known but didn't give you the whole thing. All was doing well until one started to slip...the slipping is so easy. Without realizing it the mind began to weaken it's guards and begin to let certain lies in. The body was around other bodies that were telling it lies and being around things that constantly made it look at itself and hear delicious sounding nothings that told it what it was supposed to be and why it just wasn't that. Instead of capturing the thoughts like the Mind was supposed to do it began to listen. And those words began to seep in like poison - almost like an odorless poison that seeps into the cracks and heads to the back so you almost don't realize they are there and they have set root, like a weed. The "hearings' became a bit more vicious and cruel: now directed at the body itself and left it not understanding and extremely hurt. What the Strength was supposed to do wavered. With the mind not backing it up, the strength grew faint. The soul became weary and downcast. The heart began to toss, ever so slightly but it began to toss and become a little restless. It could sense something wasn't right, even in it's sleep and as the core of the rest it felt it. The guards that were guarding the heart, after talking with the mind and the body, began to build walls around its bed in fear that it may be awakened or hurt.

There were ups and downs as they whole "gang" got older. The Mind and the rest of them were coming back to Elyon and understanding more. The Mind was learning better ways to become a sponge and learning how to block out the Enemy. Since they all felt more protected now that the walls were up, they all felt a little freer to just be. Things were good for a while, things seemed just great, but just as life proved to become more unstable so were they in their reaction to it. What seems so great at first, like a protective wall, can cause the greatest downfall...

hahaha, so i laugh at myself most times. uhm, i guess this is part one plus a rough draft. i just wanted all this time not be wasted, haha. soo, i'll probably mess this all around when i get back and i already have the ending in my head, i just don't know about inbtwn. Actually the climax part and the ending is the image that has been in my head the last couple days. but the middle - ugh, i just don't want to, lol. Writer's Block, haha. Alright, well God, you know i'm not as stoked as i want to be, but there must be something you have for me because it was a blessing that i even am going. So, yeah, you're Good and you teach us things no matter where we are. Thank You, Father. Thank you for everything. :)

(verses used - Songs of Solemon (the verse i'm talking about is in there 3 times, i'm just too tired to look, haha, Mark 12:30, 1 Corinthians 15:40)

I'm overflowing!

2009-06-18T01:00:00.002-04:00

I just don't think I can express enough how God is working in my life! Like, I really don't think I can! Just sooo much is going on and I'm learning more and more that He will meet all of my needs. I'm growing so close to Him because I have to trust Him so much more. I'm THIRSTING for His Word! I'm seeing how I, little ol' me, could be used for Him, and how my situations are being used to work on others! I can scarcely imagine it! At a point where I could be sulking, I am full of JOY!! Oh, wow! He is allll I need! He is the conductor of this Orchestration that gets to be MY life! I am sitting deep in the meadows surrounding by flowers waiting on Him, sensitive to His calling, trying to be, learning to be more patient, and talking with Him more. It's amazing! He's showing me over and over that He will meet all of my needs - even the seemingly unsignificant ones. And He's using the fact that my faith is growing to build other's faith! I just need to learn to be still and submissive when I feel like I'm being wronged. Hurting people hurt people, and as long as I remember that I'm more understanding. I don't know what He's going to teach me in the next months or what's going to be in my path, but I am so flippin' EXCITED for it! Even though, I KNOW it's going to be tough! It will! They promise you it! But He will be there, and He cares, that much. He's teaching me to feel true love, agape love. He's teaching me the Great Romance and how great His love really is - though I don't think my heart can handle it nor contain it! Wow, I really don't know what it is that has come over me...well, i do, but I don't know why now! I guess this is like polar-opposite from all the times I felt soo sad and I was in such a down place. It's so weird! But He's teaching me to be more optimistic....I think it's the little things that make the most impact. Yeah, He could do a great big thing, but when He meets your little needs it's amazing and life-touching, and soul-wrenching that He would take THAT step closer to you. And idk, but yeahhh...

This is a crazy post because it's not neat and it's so odd, but that's okay. :) I know the "feeling" of joy isn't always going to be there, but I pray I remember joy in all things. And I pray I continue to fall in love with Christ and be a living breathing vessel in all times. Oh Father, You are so Good.

Agape

2009-06-17T14:06:00.003-04:00

Emily told me about this song - I love it! It seems so simple, yet it is so powerful!!

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love isYour love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Chasing after something you could just wait for.

2009-06-07T23:46:00.004-04:00

During these last couple of days I've had this image in my head that I can't get out. It's of this little girl, wearing a pretty sundress twirling around in this beautiful meadow filled with pretty flowers that sing in vibrant colors underneath a rich blue sky full of fluffy white clouds. (but of course. :P) She is twirling and dancing without a care in the world. I mean, yeah, she's had to climb some mighty hills and she's had to shed a tear or two after falling on her knees, but hey, she's come out better from it. Her attention to memory is that of a goldfish, what's done is done, and now, she dances. She twirls, skips, and lays on her back looking up at the beautiful sky above her, and doesn't have a care in the world. To add to her delight, out of the corner of her eye she spots a butterfly. It's gorgeous: with different shades of purple and blue, and a little hint of red to really catch her eye! (hey! this is my image! :P) She jumps to her feet and her childlike anticipation quickens as she sets her mind up for the chase. She is ready for adventure and she wants that butterfly! In her mind she braces herself: "Ready, Set, GO!" And she's off! She started to run after the butterfly but soon found out that it was just too quick for her! She'd stop to put her hands on her knees and catch her breath, while she watched the butterfly nestle onto a flower. Then she'd try to sneak up on the butterfly, but it soon found her out and started flying! She was extremely disappointed and started to pout. She could see it a little less than 10 feet away from her perched on another flower. She was discouraged at the fact that she just wasn't quick enough! She bet that if her older brother (who she happened to adore) was there, he could do it! But no, he wasn't there. So she sat with a big humph, sitting cross-legged and putting her elbows to her knees and her chin in her hands. It just wasn't fair! But then, she had an idea! What if she sat real still and quiet and just waited?!?! Maybe the beautiful butterfly would come! So she sat, shot a prayer up to Heaven, eyes squinted shut really tight and nose wrinkled in concentration. After a few minutes of waiting, she felt something tickle her nose. She slowly opened her eyes and the butterfly was right on her nose! She couldn't believe it! But she instantly remembered what her brother had teased her about. He said her eyes would go cross-eyed if they stayed like that! She definitely didn't want that, but she was head-strong, if only for that moment! She didn't dare move the rest of her body, but ever so slightly she inched her finger up to the edge of her nose. She had never been that concentrated and that determined in her life! She was quite proud of herself, but had no time to think of congratulations! She had a butterfly to catch, or if only to hold! Slowly, her finger made it up to the brink of her nose and she prayed that the butterfly would take to that finger. Surprisingly (this is my story! :D) the butterfly went right to the finger and let her pull it away from her face to gaze at it in adoration. It was so beautiful and she learned a couple good lessons that day. She learned that if she was till and waited good things would come to her AND that her brother was wrong when he said that if you cross your eyes they would stay like that! Hmph! She had a lot to talk about when she got home (or woke up)!

Lol, so the ending is cheesy, but oh well. :) I think you got the gist of it. That scene (not in that much detail and not with all those series of events) kept playing in my mind over the past few days. It feels like I'm that girl and God and all these life lessons and BAM moments is the butterfly. I'm forever grabbing and reaching for the little lessons that God will show me, and reconfirmation of what I know, that I don't stop and just wait. As soon as I do, it hits me like a ton of bricks...or a feather, but none the less, I'm left knowing a little bit of something. Most of the time I feel like I'm swinging and trying to catch something, swinging my arms trying to grasp onto it and put it all together and figure it out, but then I just stop and sit in the grass and the flowers and wait. And it comes. It sure comes. The confirmation and the ease. The little weird God moments and the Hand on my shoulder that says, "Hold tight, you're on the right track. Keep moving forward. I'll strengthen you when you have to climb those hills [mountains] and I'll wipe away your tears when you fall to your knees (out of your own fault or in worship). I have a beautiful butterfly[life, story, lesson, etc,] for you yet!"

And there are tons of lessons I can get out of that story just right now that I hadn't thought of before: heck, half of that paragraph up there was stuff that I hadn't thought of before! Differences from child to young adult, a brother not there, meadows and dreams, the future and the present, etc. etc. But I think "Be Still" is being said the loudest for me.

Totally a side note, yet apart none the less: I love prayer and amazing speakers who have been there and who confirm that you're not a crazy head, and it's gonna be okay. And worship that holds repetition in it because that's OK, it gives you more time to think about the words and really start to pray...I just love not having to chase and strive...I love just being and realizing and learning and growing and as soon as doubt enters your brain you are reminded and i just love not caring about grammar and my future and if I'm good enough or pretty enough and that he lifts my head and run on sentences and writing and typing and friends and summer and Him - because my whole life is because of Him and for Him and the reasons for my every decision is for Him, and that's why. That's why I'm a crazy head and that's why I get mildy (in the grand scheme of things) hurt and restored.

New Blog!

2009-06-04T18:34:00.001-04:00

www.mandahintexas.blogspot.com :)

To know Real Love, you must know this.

2009-06-02T00:30:00.002-04:00

Wow, I love this song. This was sung at Lee and Katie's Wedding before they walked down the isle. Their wedding was my absolute favorite. It was completely Christ centered and it was so so evident. It was beautiful.

I don't think it's possible to know love, real love, without knowing that. How can you? How can you love another without knowing His love?!? I just don't think it's possible, not real love anyways. I mean that, that, is breathtaking, wonderful, majestic, perfect, awe-inspiring, Holy...ahh, I don't think I know adjectives for what it is. Without knowing 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, you can't know love. And He is all that 1 Corinthians states. So if you don't know Him, really know Him, thirst for Him daily, learn who He is daily, how can it pour from your life and how can you know you are doing His will, if you don't know Him, if you don't seek Him with that passion? Real love, that is not spoiled by the worlds terms comes fully from both people passionately for THAT purpose! That is beautiful. I even hate the term dating because it holds so much of the world's term, so much of the worlds ideals in it. It's like, a relationship can be so awe-inspiring, and then they put the term dating to it and it's instantly changed. It becomes a little less beautiful because it's been tampered with. Hear where I am coming from, not just what I'm saying. :) I just want beautiful relationships for all of my friends when the time is right. It makes me happy. I want to be able to go to all of your weddings and be like, aw, wow, this is Christ-centered and I'm totally thrilled! :)

I pray for all of your relationships. I don't know who reads this, but I pray for all of your relationships. I mean, we're growing up! Man, we're growing up! And we're about to go our separate ways. We're not kids anymore. We are about to go into life, real life. Where we will be making our own decisions and our actions will truly have consequences. This is the moment where most students fall away from Christ. This is the moment where we must decide who we will follow and what will dictate our decisions. I mean, I'm heading into a Christ-centered environment that is pretty militant. (If you break one of their rules, dependant on which, you must apologize in front of the whole Honor Academy and then pack your bags and leave...chyeah.) But I'm worried about what college is going to do to some of my friends. I mean college isn't the Enemy, but he sure uses it as a tool. I'm also afraid with the lack of accountability. If people won't open up to people they see day to day they are sure going to hide things from God. I'm afraid that it will be all too easy to fall away from God: thirsting and finding out who He is, and what will out pour from that: our purity, faith, obedience, and in showing it to others.

Lol, this post went every which way, but yeah...a commitment to that, that kind of love is what it will take. And that Love pouring out of our lives, in every which way, flowing from every pore in our Spiritual body, will direct our paths. Wow, that song...

:)

2009-05-31T21:53:00.003-04:00

I'm gonna start a blog about Texas so all can follow my journey. woot woot.

I wish I would have bought Robbie Robison t-shirts tonight. darn it. :)

I am joyful, which is something way better than happy, because my mind COULD go to unhappy things, but I choose to be joyful in all situations. :)

This is why we do not handle things on our own. This is why God is the one that is supposed to be in control. Because even though we think we know what's best, He does, and I mean, choices, yeah, but ultimately we don't have a right to any say in most matters concerning others. Hm, idk, but I know that...God is bigger than the boogy man, he's bigger than the monsters and nah nah on T.Veee. lol, random, but yeahh. :) Pretty much not a lot besides that.

I really do hope and pray that this summer doesn't go by too fast. I'm ready for August 14 (not really.) but I do want to enjoy my summer and the people in it that mean so much to me.

I fool myself. I laugh at myself after I catch such an act, and just shake my head at my folly. But I do. I pride myself on being different, going against the grain, but the cry in my heart, the hurt in my heart, is the same as anyone else. And I react to it the same way as anyone else, which is something I will continue to work on. With a wounded soul and a heart that doesn't reach for Him. I don't cry out to God about my innermost needs and wants because I don't think it's worthy, and I don't think that I, the person that is supposed to be going against the grain, should be crying out about such things, to God who I've already committed to. So I grow saddened and faint of heart, and easily tangled up in the old landlord (Robbie term). What's making me different then all of them? Nothing. Because I'm yearning for that cheap knock-off, rather than the real thing. Tonight was recommittment, I suppose. As I get older I'm realizing more. And it's hard to see from the outside in. But I'm getting clarity in the matter so it's okay. I'll live my life. You live yours. I firmly believe that God will bless both as we both (all) yearn for Him, and as long as we live in obediance to Him and sensitive to His calling and His twists and turns. That is all I know, and I find joy in that. Oh, weight off my shoulders, how I love you.

I'm learning more about myself all the time. It's funny and I'm still.

An update, I guess. :)

2009-05-30T10:36:00.003-04:00

I want to blog. lol, but I have no inspiration. I could finish my other ones, especially about the beauty in the preparation one that I wrote about dawn and the sunrise and looking at the clouds from the ground and coming full circle, and about how my whole life has been preparation, like dude, in all areas, but I don't feel like it. Maybe I will after I finish this post, whatever it's supposed to contain, haha, but right now I just feel like typing mindless nothings. So I guess I'll make this into an update, and then maybe it'll end up being my usual really long paragraphs-full post. :D

Well, this morning I would have much rather found myself in front of some store selling Krispy Kreme to unsuspectful victims. :P Buuut, either only the Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts are allowed (they get everything! them and their stupid cookies! haha) or they only allow charities. Walmart was just horrible to talk to. Any time I would call them or go to their store, I couldn't get anything accomplished. And Lowes Food was just a mess. Every time I would call to ask for the specific manager that I needed to talk to he was not there, and then when I found out when he'd be in we would call then, but he wasn't there. I'm trying to be like whatever, but when I think about how much is due in such a short amount of time it gets overwhelming....so I'm not going to think about this anymore. God is showing up, and that's enough.

I'm trying to move forward, just move forward, and not get paralyzed by my dreams (night and future). I just want August 14 to come, now. I'm ready to go, so ready to go. I will miss people, but the cons outweigh the pros. My heart hurts sometimes, and I don't like it. I think there are some things I'm just never going to understand. Or maybe, just right now, but that's enough to put my human self in a tizzy. (I sound like my mom - tizzy. :D)

Ok, enough of that. Uhmm, let's see...what else?! Welll, I'm pretty much DONE with high school! I have the Foods vocat on Monday, but that's IT! :) I'm glad. I'm not too sad about it, besides the fact that it means I really am growing up. When you're younger you always want to grow up, you think you are going to be so old and so grown up when you graduate from high school...but in reality...idk, I don't feel that old, I still feel like a little kid. I feel like I've been through things and came out stronger, yes, but, I don't know, what's being an adult supposed to feel like? I guess I'll have an idea come August.

I'm thinking about accountability a lot. I'm glad I have accountability, so so glad. Emily spent the night last Sunday and we stayed up till 4 in the morning just talking about everything! haha, it was fun. But we came to the conclusion that we find better solutions and find more things out about ourselves when we talk it out with someone: an elementary lesson, but good none the less. I really pray everyone has someone they have to be accountable to. I'm blessed I have more than one. I'm sorry if I haven't been a good one to some. But it's so crucial. I was talking to Dell last weekend at the beach when we were having our closing Bible study before we cleaned up to leave. I started opening up for some reason, and after giving my spill, she leaned over and was like, "or maybe it's because..." and it was like, WOW! I had never thought about it like that before! And it opened up my eyes more to how I am, and why I am the way I am. It's just so important to have someone that you tell things to and those people will ask you the tough questions. I guess I'm bad at it sometimes because sometimes when I start asking those questions, I get attacked, and so I back away. I'm sorry though.

Well, today I'm going to go try to give the clothes that I have gotten to Nicole's Closet and see what I can get. Then Starewell + Tyler's graduation party. woo! haha. :)

Given your life as a prize, not a guessing game.

2009-04-30T21:09:00.003-04:00

I've never been the most confident - even when I was little I was more of a follower, playing cars with my brother, tagging along, loving every minute of it. And I always wanted order. I would set up all my VHS movies and play eenie-meenie-mynee-mo. I would play until I only had one video left and that would be what I'd watch. I've just always loved structure - call it too much dependance and not enough independence, and maybe it kind of is, but that's just how I naturally am. I was the TA that didn't really leave my teacher's room to go across the hall to a room that had 3 TA's that I'd want to hang out with because I wasn't sure if I was "allowed to" and I was too timid to ask the assistant principal that I TA'd for (though you'd sort of understand if you knew her, haha). I finally did, near the end of the semester, and she didn't even care! ha! Ok, I just sound lame, but it all fits into my personality.

I find I am like that with God. I almost feel like I need to know EXACTLY what He wants. I drive myself crazy, weighing all the options, reading the Bible trying to find hidden meanings that would apply to ME, reading Oswald Chambers, trying to read between the lines to try to figure out what God wants. I go crazy...I've gone crazy. Thursday, after school, I was at the Fox's waiting to get the kids and I was completely restless. It was the last day of April and that meant the next day would be the last day I could accept Wilmington, and also Thursday was the day of my interview for the Honor Academy. My stomach was in a heap of knots and I was freaking myself out. I watched some t.v., flipped opened the Bible, read, flipped some more, got anxious, got up, and went on their computer to look up Wilmington's number. (I never go on there though they've never said that I couldn't. I said in my head, if it's on then I'll look. It normally isn't - it was.) I went on Wilmington's website and got the number. I called it, not sure what I was going to say or what i was gonna get. I called, a lady answered, and I fumbled out a question about if tomorrow was in fact the last day to accept, even if you were going for the second semester. She was a bit rude and said yes. I managed to get out, "ok, thanks" and hung up. Pacing, I finally made my way back to the computer. I clicked on the link to Oswald Chambers through Cornerstone's site and began reading. After finding that the post of the day didn't apply to "me" I looked at the past few days, trying to find anything and everything that would lead me to what I was supposed to do. What I found wasn't exactly what I wanted to find, but it was what I needed:

"God wants you to be in a much closer relationship with Himself than simply receiving His gifts— He wants you to get to know Him. Even some large thing we want is only incidental; it comes and it goes. But God never gives us anything incidental. There is nothing easier than getting into the right relationship with God, unless it is not God you seek, but only what He can give you." (April, 27)

"This is the firm and immovable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him— "I will give your life to you . . . ." What more does a man want than his life? It is the essential thing. ". . . your life . . . as a prize . . ." means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life and nothing can harm it....Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go? The true test of abandonment or surrender is in refusing to say, "Well, what about this?" Beware of your own ideas and speculations. The moment you allow yourself to think, "What about this?" you show that you have not surrendered and that you do not really trust God. But once you do surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you totally abandon yourself to God, He immediately says to you, "I will give your life to you as a prize . . . ." The reason people are tired of life is that God has not given them anything— they have not been given their life "as a prize." The way to get out of that condition is to abandon yourself to God. And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth. God will have you absolutely, without any limitations, and He will have given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience in your life or your refusal to be simple enough." (April 28)

Pretty much this whole freaking post! haha. http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/04/29/devotion.aspx?year=2009 "We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises."

For a moment, I was reading those, still trying to find the hidden meaning of what God was telling me...when it hit me. I read the first one I quoted last and the last one first. God was preparing me in reverse order for the humbling. By the time I read April 27 I was anxious, intrigued, but almost frustrated. Then I read what is bolded. He doesn't want me to search for it, but for Him. "You missed it, daughter. I want you to know Me, not what I have in store for you." Woah, buddy. Humbled, I got up from the computer chair and settled back into the couch with my bible on my lap. I apologized to my Father for trying to figure out the "prize" instead of finding out who He is. I started reading with different intentions then just 20 minutes before. Feeling refreshed I sat back and thought, the quote, "do the task He has placed closest to us...fill[ing] our lives with surprises" came into my head. Earlier that week, after I had chosen Wilmington, my mom asked me to go onto the Honor Academy's website to get information for Sarah. I was aggravated, mumbling to myself, "they have a computer, why can't they do it?" (yes, I can have mean thoughts. :D Just ask Ashton and Kristina by the last part of the cruise. :D) I went on and began looking at it more. The more I looked at it, the more I realized I really wanted this. I realllly did! I couldn't explain it, but it was like: yes, this. On the couch, I began to think about what true surrender was, and I apologized for not giving Him that. True surrender, whether I got into the Honor Academy or not, true surrender with my life, does not include worry and fear.

As I went up to the bus stop I had my Bible. As some of the mom's started to arrive, I realized that I was looking at them different. I was reacting to them differently. I felt the love bubbling from me, the delight of not dealing with worry or fear. I could see the spiritual difference in the air. So much of life's worry and anxious thoughts seem to engulf so many lives, and even my own. But for that moment, I almost understood what Oswald Chambers was saying about a life of true delight.

The kids' mom didn't get home until about 7:00 which was my interview time, so I didn't get home until about 7:15. Thankfully, they hadn't called yet. They called around 7:30 and I got transferred over to my interviewer. She asked if I was nervous, and out of impulse I said, "yeah", but in truth, I didn't feel too nervous. Michelle gave me some of the questions that they had asked a few weeks ago, but I had forgotten to look at them, so it wasn't like I was prepared, but it was almost like God put a hedge of peace over me, and for those that were interceding for me, thank you, because I wasn't nervous.

May 1 came and went. And that is okay.

I have a week and a halfish to wait till I hear from the Honor Academy about my acceptance or lack there of. If I don't, then I know that I wasn't supposed to go there, and going to JCC for the year won't be a bad thing, God will use me there, and maybe I wasn't supposed to go to Wilmington for the second semester. If I do get accepted, then I will be more than excited for the year ahead.

Either way, I'm learning what surrender is, even when everything inside of me wants to hold on tight. Haha, you'd think I would have learned that lesson before now. And I'm learning to grow to know His characteristics, and Him, my first Love. Revelations 2:4.

Such a beautiful song

2009-04-06T22:32:00.002-04:00

lol, so much Relient K, so little time. :D

I'm not really in the mood to write a lot....well lately I haven't been in the mood to finish anything - I am really GLAD that Senior Project isn't this semester for me - though maybe it would give me initiative to finish other stuff. haha. I want the things I have to dicipline myself to do, to eventually become second nature. Wouldn't that be sweet? lol - until then... :D ...senioritis. ...and the whole, "i can't wait until prom and spring break" isn't helping me any. maybe I should peace out to facebook...lol, that might save me a lot of dilydadiling. hmm. lol. maybe the internet period - because I think if I didn't get on facebook I would just fill my time finding Relient K videos on youtube... :P

a post on the deserts I make for myself

2009-03-31T00:28:00.005-04:00

Realization, in the form of a blog post coming soon to a pair of eyes on you. ;) ...when I actually have time to finish it.

another part of the preview - I'm just really tired, haha. but happy. I feel like a huge weight has been released from me.

I love this song. I love the lyrics, I love everything about it.

happi-nots

2009-03-29T14:02:00.002-04:00

What does happiness even mean? Like, I am not trying to be a sorrow bearer, but right now I'm just bleh. Like, really? Life isn't supposed to be a roller coaster right? It's not supposed to be: one day you're "happy" or whatever that means and the next day you have this weight in the bottom of your heart and you don't know how to get it out & you are about to be pummeled with a cascade of sorrow, but you don't want to get swallowed in it so you go about your business like you always do. And then you sigh, and your whole day is full of so many sighs that go unheard because you just find yourself...lacking.

What does happiness even mean? Is it based on the people in your life? Is it based on the feelings those people give you? Is it based on your circumstances? I am really asking those questions not in a way to make you feel like I am looking at you with judgemental eyes, but through the eyes of someone who just doesn't get it. What does it mean?? I don't know.

I feel like I'm not really apart of it. I'm looking at everyone else's lives, like mine doesn't matter. I'm seeing everyone's choices, from personal choices to choices that will impact their future and I'm looking at everyone's plans for their future and I'm just like, "alright, cool. good for you." But I'm just left...lacking.

And maybe it's because I'm lacking in my quiet times with God. I'm looking for everything in this world to bring me some kind of happiness. Yes, I sit knowing God's there and knowing I want to do His will, but I'm still looking to everything else to bring me this happiness that everyone talks about so much.

Alright - Bible verses -

Psalm 27:13-14 (New International Version)
13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

--------

Proverbs 16:3 (New American Standard Bible) -
Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will be established.

Proverbs 16:3 (New International Version)
3Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Proverbs 16:3 (New Living Translation)
3 Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.

Proverbs 16:3 (Today's New International Version)
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do and he will establish your plans.

Proverbios 16:3 (Reina-Valera 1995)
3 Encomienda a Jehová tus obras y tus pensamientos serán afirmados. (and this one's just for kicks)

Does anyone else but me relate to this song?

2009-03-22T22:48:00.003-04:00

I know I have listened to this song so many times over the years. But, I sure never understood this song until now. Like, woah. Relient K is my hero...well Christ is my hero for putting this song in their minds even if it took me years to value it for what it is. I would like to write a post on this but I'm learning that everything must first reach my heart before I will let myself write about it because it is nothing but clanging instruments without the love that comes forth from one's own transformation.

Down in Flames - Relient K

Christians-- we're all afraid of fire.
We prefer to suck on pacifiers.
Baby pacifists, we're throwing fits.
We don't shake hands, we shake our fists.

We're cannibals. We watch our brothers fall.
We eat our own, the bones and all.
Finally fell asleep on the planeto wake to see we're going down in flames.

We're going down, down, down in flames.
We're gonna drown, drown, drown insane.

We see the problem and the risk,
but nothing's solved.
We just say, "Tisk, tisk, tisk,"
and, "Shame, shame, shame."

Finally fell asleep on the plane
to wake to see we're going down in flames.

Let's go!

Christians-- we mourn, the thorn is stuck
in the side of the body watch it self-destruct.
The enemy is much ignored
when we fight this Christian civil war.

We're cannibals. We watch our brothers fall.
We eat our own, the bones and all.
Finally fell asleep on the plane
to wake to see we're going down in flames.

We're going down, down, down in flames.
We're gonna drown, drown, drown insane.

We see the problem and the risk,
but nothing's solved.
We just say, "Tisk, tisk, tisk,"
and, "Shame, shame, shame."

Finally fell asleep on the plane
to wake to see we're going down in flames.

Na na na na, na na na na. Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na. Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na. Na na na na, na na na na.
Na na na na, na na na na. Bana na na na, na na na

Let me pause to clarify('cause I'm sure you're asking, "Why?").
I stand before you and proudly claim
to belong to what this song complains.
I'm part of the problem,I confess,
But I gotta get this off my chest.
Let's extinguish the anguish
for which we're to blame,
and save the world from going down in flames.

"For my comfort would prefer for me to be numb, and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become."

2009-03-20T17:30:00.003-04:00

Shall I hide from Abraham what I am doing . . . ? —Genesis 18:17

The Delights of His Friendship. Genesis 18 brings out the delight of true friendship with God, as compared with simply feeling His presence occasionally in prayer. This friendship means being so intimately in touch with God that you never even need to ask Him to show you His will. It is evidence of a level of intimacy which confirms that you are nearing the final stage of your discipline in the life of faith. When you have a right-standing relationship with God, you have a life of freedom, liberty, and delight; you are God’s will. And all of your commonsense decisions are actually His will for you, unless you sense a feeling of restraint brought on by a check in your spirit. You are free to make decisions in the light of a perfect and delightful friendship with God, knowing that if your decisions are wrong He will lovingly produce that sense of restraint. Once he does, you must stop immediately.

The Difficulties of His Friendship. Why did Abraham stop praying when he did? He stopped because he still was lacking the level of intimacy in his relationship with God, which would enable him boldly to continue on with the Lord in prayer until his desire was granted. Whenever we stop short of our true desire in prayer and say, "Well, I don’t know, maybe this is not God’s will," then we still have another level to go. It shows that we are not as intimately acquainted with God as Jesus was, and as Jesus would have us to be— ". . . that they may be one just as We are one . . ." ( John 17:22 ). Think of the last thing you prayed about-were you devoted to your desire or to God? Was your determination to get some gift of the Spirit for yourself or to get to God? "For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him" ( Matthew 6:8 ). The reason for asking is so you may get to know God better. "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart" ( Psalm 37:4 ). We should keep praying to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.

- Oswald Chambers

Chyeah. This hit home.

Where is your road leading?

2009-03-20T16:31:00.004-04:00

I second my last post about the social norms.

BUT

I will be delighted in letting Him orchestrate the alienation.

oh sweet bliss. :)

Coming to a conclusion, that I just don't know.

2009-03-15T20:37:00.005-04:00

Hello, Honor Academy. Thanks for swinging open, everything else has. What's up with Texas and Jesus? Haha, The Honor Academy, YWAM, and The Forge.

;)

I have many thoughts, none involving black and white. But I've been thinking a lot on social norms (what's expected and accepted by a society/group of people), and how they shape us as Christians even if we don't think they have. We pride ourselves on doing things differently, even though most of the time we really don't.

Think about it. The Bible says we are to live differently, to stand out to others that aren't - really stand out, like I mean alien stand out. But do we? Do we really, in every aspect of our lives? Do we remain pure in every area, or if someone walks by us or if they were a fly on the wall do they see what they see everywhere else? What, seriously sets us apart? *Now, I am not talking about what sets us apart, as in Christ, I know that full well. :) But I'm talking about how we are set apart, as in how we live. What, about how we live, sets us apart?

And here's something else to ponder. Satan is so clever, yet his tactics are old - they just work because we're too busy thinking what we're doing is superior to others. He makes us think what we're doing is alright, because it makes us happy, or because it's just how everyone else goes about it. And, likewise, he makes it seem alright to talk about people, because of what they did, but is it? A conviction I've come into contact with more than once. What sets us apart from others there? And what if, those people who we need to be witnessing to are there in the midst? Our whole chance is ruined, due to our superiority.

He uses tactics to tear us apart. Dishonesty is a huge one. He is like a lion, Martha talked on this last Sunday night. Lions, by nature, will go after a herd of animals until he gets one or two to run off dispersed. Oh, he thinks he's clever, but I guess he kind of is, when dealing with us, ha. It's horrid to take a step back and rewind to watch how he works. Once it's come, it's important to be open to what caused the fall.

But alas, it's amazing to step back and see how God works everything for the good of those that love him (Romans 8:28 :)) regardless of our mishaps as good ol' humans. ;) lol.

I'm observing a lot more. Like I said, nothing is black and white, but that doesn't mean nothing is wrong and everything is right. Everyone has sides so be careful about what you hear. But take the "criticism" that people give you - you may, after contemplating it, decide to throw it away, but be open about it. If you are sure of where you stand, that won't bother you. Does it bother you? If so, why?

Satan is partial; he wouldn't, even if he could, give us the whole picture.

I'm embracing today, but I'm ready for my future, whatever God has in store. I'm ready for change.

Sometimes God can't show you things until He can open and close doors in your life.

2009-03-02T19:29:00.007-05:00

A week ago I was in the cafe sitting at a table alone with my head down because I was extremely tired. Patience walked by and sat down on her way back out, asking me how I was doing and about life and my future. We talked and I explained about my college dilemma and how I was afraid that I hadn't opened the right doors for my future. She said something about how sometimes God can only show you your next step through each door. (Sorry Patience, if you read this and it's not exactly what you said) But she said something like that. It just made me think and pray in my innermost heart for God to direct me to what he wants. I prayed that God would send something in the mail from Liberty if He wanted me to even apply or acknowledge that as an option. I hadn't gotten anything from them in a while so I figured it would be easy not to get anything. The week was going by without any thought on the matter. Then, on Thursday, my mom handed me the mail that I had gotten. I took it without much thought, but then I realized what I was holding, and it was something from Liberty. I was just like, "Alright, God, so I guess this means I'm not going to keep that door closed shut, but it's your call."

I called Wilmington that afternoon, seeing what was up, and I left feeling discouraged. After explaining the whole big thing, explaining that I even turned it in early, they put me on hold for 5 minutes and then came back asking if I was Amanda Francis Boyle. I was like, no Amanda Marie Boyle. She told me that it was ready to be looked at, and I was like, well when do you think I will hear back? And she said, Idk, maybe by April 1. I mean, it wasn't like it was the worst news to ever get, but still, I was just thinking, if there is so much crap going on with all this, is that God telling me that he doesn't want me going there or is it God telling me that I will appreciate it all the more if I get in?

So I went into Revolution praying that God would give me some clarity in the matter. I told some people about what happened so I felt relieved that I had people aware and praying about it. That first night, Friday night the people from Youth quest went up on stage giving away prizes and that kind of stuff, and then they said that people could fill out an application for Liberty that weekend for free, when normally it was $40. I was thinking, "Ok, God, I'll do that." I had filled out the application a while back up till the 250 word essay, but had never finished it, so that was letter a in the matter.

Then letter b. We were driving home in the Stephenson's car and we were talking to Cassie, our youth quest leader. We were talking about our future colleges and she said how when she was thinking about colleges she applied to two colleges. She told God that whichever one she heard back from first would be the one she would go to. She ended up hearing from Liberty first, but that's not really a surprise to me, they are fast at getting back to you. But the thing was, she said that the other college's acceptance letter got lost in the mail. I thought about the mess that was going on with Wilmington and took that into consideration. letter b.

Then there were a couple more letters that seemed silly, but still odd. For one of the events that we played Saturday we had to spell REVOLUTION with ourselves. We decided to take the easy way out by writing it on ourselves. I ended up randomly getting the LU on myself. The weird thing was is that I thought it said E so I was surprised when I realized that when we were lining up I was the LU. lol, silly I know, but it was those little things. I was talking to Tammy and I was like, "But, I WAAAAAAANT God to just tell me! I want a lightning bolt or a crash or SOMETHING to tell me what to do." But I was reminded by her and by Chris Pope that God speaks in the whisper, not the fire or the storm. So, that leads me back to my predicament. Were those whispers or was it just...whatever it was.

One of the reasons why I didn't really want to go to Liberty was because I wanted to stretch my faith and I didn't want to be in an atmosphere that is all God all the time. I guess what I mean is that I didn't want to be in a bubble of Christianity and not be faced with people that aren't Christians. But I don't think that will be the case. I mean, yeah, it's a Christian atmosphere, but there are gonna be people who don't believe in God outside of the college. I was afraid that it was going to be like a never ending Christian camp, but that's kind of a blind way of looking at it because life happens everywhere. People struggle everywhere. The problem that will arise in a Christian school is just going to be the sins that are covered up because it's a Christian college. Idk, I have pros and cons with everything, but it's just what God wants.

Wilmington:
pros - A great writing program, the beach, Lifepoint, people I love are there, a place to stretch, test, and challenge my faith, other options if I don't feel like writing is the direction I want to go, probably other cool things, but I haven't looked into it as much.
cons - the fact that I'm having such a hard time hearing back, I may end up hating the campus because I've never been there besides a drive by, lol, many opportunities to fall into bad stuff (not a big con because that's kind of dumb - you will or you won't), expensive as well

Liberty:
pros - Beautiful campus, many opportunities for missions including Thailand, many great speakers, a possible roommate, lol, cool bus things that take you around it, $1.50 movie theatre, many biblical classes - which is awesome because I'm really interested in that stuff, I always wanted to go there in middle school though I don't know if that should hold a lot of value, a variety of people from all over
cons - writing is offered in journalism as a minor - nothing in that category as a major, muy muy expensive = muy muy in debt after college, many rules (though that's not a huge con either.), my faith becoming routine/becoming caught up in a "church" high, my sociology class' and bible studies' credit may not transfer out of state

JCC/Wake Tech:
pros - cheap, I won't be in huge debt by the time I get out of college, easier, Emily is going to JCC, Krysteah and Mitch are going to Wake Tech, if I'm not completely sure I can always go there and then transfer
cons - Not a huge stretch, not so sure I would want to go there, staying at home

I'm not sure what God wants, but I'm willing to listen (of course!). I think my biggest prayer now is that I will just have ears to listen. Chris Pope said something Sunday night that I loved. He said, "'Talking to God' always requires us to listen, but not always for us to talk." I guess that's me right now, even though it's hard for me to not put my two-cents in and not think it's golden. ha.

Btw, this weekend taught me a lot! Reflecting on it and taking it in.

:)

2009-02-22T21:48:00.002-05:00

I always thought I was like Pumba and Timone when I would eat gummy worms. :)
I miss those comfort movies. :/ I'm going to take a Saturday to get all those movies out and see if we still have the VHS player so I can watch them. I reallly want to watch The Fox and the Hound. :)

I used to sit in front of my TV with all my Disney VHS's with our plug-in rewinder near, and play eeny-meeny-miny-mo with them to see which one I'd watch. Haha, I guess it shows my indecisiveness, even at a young age. :)

"Call the popo, hoe!" :D

2009-02-21T09:32:00.004-05:00

I love Madea. I absolutely love her. I saw it last night with Christal and Tammy. Ah, I just love Tyler Perry movies! He's a genius! Watching that movie makes me want to go to a black church right now. I love his movies because they always shine the biggest light on Christ, and yet Madea's there being blunt and not putting up with no one bein' a fool. :D (lol, I'm so white, even when I try to talk black it turns country. :P) One of the biggest lights shown in this movie was in not being a victim through your circumstances and in forgiveness, for yourself, not just for the other person. I believe that is huge and the only way to let yourself be free. (this paragraph barely has anything to do with the rest, but it's whatever. :))

Let me say this, I am not ashamed about my testimony. I am not ashamed that I haven't dated and I'm not ashamed that I haven't been through the things that some people have been through. I get constantly that I don't understand where people are coming because of that, but my confidence isn't found in what other people tell me. Maybe I can't sympathize with the next person about what they are going through, but I have learned through watching and observing and reading. Just because I haven't been through it doesn't mean I can't give advice - I can give the advice that is from the third party, the observer, the learner. Just because I haven't been through a break-up doesn't mean I haven't ever wanted to throw something at a guy and hit him (lol), because I have. bahaha, it cracks me up. There is a lot of "just because...doesn't mean's" but regardless - I am not going to feel ashamed because of my testimony, I won't give Satan that foothold.

No matter what you believe about the dating thing, I believe it is so crucial to know who you are in Christ. You won't be able to be whole for anyone else until you are whole in Christ. The image of who God is can't change day by day: some days you know He's Your rock, and other days you doubt He's there. Your confidence has to be found in Him, not in the next guy or girl or accomplishments or in who people see you as. Probably one of my favorite quotes is from Madea, "People have to learn how to be aloonee. I don't understan' all these people, 'Lord, I need somebody. Lord, where muh man.' That is crazy as hail. If you don't know how to be by yoself wutchu gonna do wit somebody else? Stop prayin' bout it - Shut up and WAIT. Go work on you. Hail, that's what thaa' time is fo', to get yoself togetha." Ahaha, such truth - and that's coming from a guy, so you know it holds truth and isn't just what the 'girls' think. And it's not just in the dating thing. You won't be able to be whole in who you are for other people until you are whole in Christ. I'm still struggling with this. I'm still struggling to feel confident in who I am in an everyday setting. I want everyone that may read this to know that, because this isn't about me. I just feel so completely that the reason why we, as Christians, have such horrible divorce rates, and why we as Christians aren't confident in who we are is because we don't take time to be reshaped by Him, and be found in Him before we jump into things.

How is a boy going to be what you need when he isn't a man yet? How is he going to be your prince charming if he still needs to be discipled into who he is in Christ? How is he going to be your leader if he doesn't know where he is going and he doesn't know how to admit to his faults? I believe you can't be a leader until you know where you are going and you express your faults freely, without holding them in. People don't want to see fake Christians, they want to see those that are being shaped and being crafted, and who aren't all perfect. I believe it's so crucial for a guy to know who he is supposed to be in the relationship and to know where He stands when the world caves, because it's going to cave.

How is a girl going to be confident that her guy isn't going to leave her if she doesn't have confidence in herself? How is he going to deal with her insecurities if she isn't already secure for the most part? How is she going to trust when she doesn't know how to trust her Father? How is she going to know who NOT to fall for if she doesn't know what she deserves? How is she going to face the trials of life when she doesn't know how to get out of the dirt? How is she going to believe him when he says, "You're beautiful." if she doesn't believe it already?

How are they both going to build each other up and encourage each other when they both have unresolved baggage? How are they going to continue running the race, together, when they have to keep stopping to fix each other's problems? How is it going to be made perfect in an unperfect world when they both keep trying to write it for themselves?

I don't know much, but I'm becoming more and more confident in this. It's been constantly reshaped through the years, and probably will be reshaped some more. But, in all of this, I will stand in Christ. I'll be disappointed and I'll be delighted. I'll feel misused and I'll feel honored. But at the end of the day, it's all for Christ. I'll be found in Him through it all.

And when I can't see where I'm going, I'll keep on walking, yeah, I'll keep my faith.

2009-02-09T23:00:00.004-05:00

I think it's CRAZY how God is speaking to me. I mean, I completelely mess up and I get angry and frustrated and blah blah blah, like we all do with God when things don't go our way, or we don't understand. But you go about praying to God with it in the wrong way. And then you read like a daily devotional from the day that you went through it and it was EXACTLY what you needed to hear. I mean, when will I finally come to a point where I will go to Him first?! Is it just me who goes through this process? Ah, is God patient with us or what?? I mean, He can't use me in the ways He wants to when I'm full of "stuff" so it's not like the best, but He is patient with us when we are willing to try. I'm not making a lot of sense because I'm really tired, but it's just awesome regardless of if I'm making sense. lol. :)

"Spiritual lust causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself who gives the answer. What have I been hoping or trusting God would do? Is today "the third day" and He has still not done what I expected? Am I therefore justified in being dejected and in blaming God? Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer." - Oswald Chambers, yo. :)

Uhm, like seriously, that's crazy!!! And I know you dont' know why that's crazy, but you gotta understand that that morning I had been reading about how Israel and how God would destroy it, whom He loved, because they were putting things before Him, and they mentioned the third day when He will restore them. And I was just thinking, how does this relate to me? I kept turning a couple chapters and books and they all said something similiar. And then that devotion that I'm reading now, was on that day. It all related. lol, it's just awesome God things because sometimes I don't know what the future holds and I don't have the faith that I want in God because most of the time it doesn't make sense (which is why Scott's message was sweet too!). I just think I'm in a spiritual period of refocusing.

lol, it's 11:15 and this shows how tired I am. But regardless, God is amazing and meets us where we are so that we can do the work He has for us. Let's do some rebuilding in me, God. :)

I just read this part - "Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him. One of the most amazing revelations of God comes to us when we learn that it is in the everyday things of life that we realize the magnificent deity of Jesus Christ. " - Oswald Chambers - What?! what?! hahaha.

the little things

2009-02-09T15:44:00.002-05:00

I love when God shows how intimate He is and how He really does care about the little things.

Today I was having a really bad day because I realized that I had printed off the wrong Sociology paper. Like, I had printed off a version that I had saved before I finished it. And I wasn't completely sure that I had all of it saved at home porque my computer turned off wihtout warning when I was done with it but I didn't remember if I had saved the final one. Let me tell you, that paper took me like 8 HOURS! Ok, so I'm bad at multi-tasking, but besides walking outside and staring at my computer for a couple seconds I was stuck doing it. So finding out that I didn't have the whole 6 page paper was not something I wanted to find out. I was so frustrated and I put my Bible down heavily because I had grabbed it on the way out of the door. Trying to control my feelings I just opened up my Bible. I opened up to Isaiah 43 and I had this verse *'d. It was Isaiah 43:2. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.

Just that little confromation of hope helped in a million ways. I was able to go to my sociology teacher (or do you say professor since it's a college course?) calmy when I would have probably been more stressed out about it. I was able to come home today with calmness instead of stressing and being horrible to my mom (on her birthday! woo! :)). I got on here and thankfully found that it had saved and I could e-mail it to my teacher. That little verse showed me that God does care about the little things that we go through. And that verse isn't even that little either when you think about it. I mean, fire isn't a little thing. Hm, it just made me thank Him for always being there even when I'm not listening. Just a few nights ago I was angry at Him because I don't understand what He does most times. I heard Scott's message was good last night - I'm going to go listen to it when I get the chance this week. But his message in the morning was really good too. I loved how he talked about the different layers flowing from faith in 2 Peter 1:3-11. I hadn't read 2 Peter in a while, now rereading it I want to think about it and process it. But one thing that Scott spoke about was in verse 9 - "But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind..." He said, "You won't be able to see through the circumstance, you'll just see that you're stuck." I think that goes with a lot of stuff that we go through. We don't see past the circumstance because we have forgotten who God is, or alteast a characteristic of Him.

"Oh God, God is God and I am not, I can only see a part of the picture He's painting. God, God is God and I am man, so I'll never understand it all, for only God is God." - Steven Curtis Chapman - that songs on the radio right now. :)

Now I want to write a post about what I'm thinking about 2 Peter! haha, it's crazy how God speaks! :)

London Bridges falling down

2009-02-08T00:13:00.004-05:00

We played this game tonight where one person is in the middle and the rest are in a circle on the outside. The person in the middle has to go up to a person and say, "Honey, do you love me?" and the person that he/she is saying it to has to say, "Honey, I love you, but I just can't smile." without smiling. If you smile you are on the inside. I became good at it after a while. I could feel my walls going up as a person would focus on me, giving me conformation that I was the next victim. I'd look at the person but not really look at the person. I'd see them, but I'd rid myself of feeling. I'm good at that when I need it.

w
wa
wal
wall
walls
wall
wal
wa
w

To what extent do they hide you? Are they OK? Can they be considered as a masquerade? Or are they different? They hide what's behind and they block things from coming in. It's not being utterly real, but it's not being fake either.

My eyes are tired.

There is not even enough room for a co-pilot.

2009-02-04T22:22:00.007-05:00

Calvinism or Arminism? Who do you side with?

I side with neither. Yes, I believe that God predestined us and our world as well as I believe that we as humans are by nature, evil. I do not believe that humans are, by nature, good (Isaiah 64:6, Mark 7:21, Romans 3:10-12). We just are naturally evil, prone to our natural ways, so we need a Savior. But I also believe that we have free choice to accept the gift or not. John 3:16 is a big booster of that side. I believe that both have valid points and both have points that I would say that I agree with. But, alas, I don't have all the answers. We don't know which is black and which is white. And I'm OK with that.

I love love love that story about the man that had been crippled for 25 years and then Jesus came and healed him. Because then this question comes to Jesus that asks, "What sin did this man's father or him commit that caused him to be crippled for this long? And Jesus said nothing, but it was so that God would get the Glory through this. Thomas shared that story with us tonight and I got a flash back of Bible Studies where I read it and absolutely loved it. I don't know why it hit me so much, but I think it was because it showed me something so valuable. Through everything, God wants the glory. Yes, He has given you these gifts, and yes, he has blessed you with this life, but unless he gets the Glory through it all, it's worthless. Another key it showed me was that God predestines things for his plan and ultimate purpose, but for the good of those who love Him.

As Thomas enlightened us with, it's so easy to say, "What did that man do to DESERVE that?!?! His didn't do anything wrong! Why did God choose HIM to go through that?!" But ask yourself this. Do you think he committed sin through those twenty-five years? Do you think he never sinned? Who is HE to have any right in the matter to not go through that? Who are YOU to say such a thing? Was his life his own?! This is what was said that hit me - No one asks why Christ had to die! Not really anyways...I mean we don't say, "No, God! You shouldn't have put him on the cross! How could YOU do that to him?!?" But think! He lived the sinless life! HE WAS NATURALLY GOOD! Not us! We have no right to understand God's ways or to try to figure Him out completely, because in doing that, and when we feel like we have the right answer, we take the Glory away from God.

It just shows me the mystery of God, and how marvelous that is. I am not going to understand all his ways. I do enjoy theology, it's a passion that I have gotten over the years, a hunger to learn, but I won't let it control me. I'm not going to understand whether the reason this person keeps denying Christ is due to his own selfish free will or because God predestined for him to not. I'm not going to understand his infinite ways, because I am so finite. I am content in knowing that, because I am reminded time and time again that this life is not mine, and I am not the pilot. His ways are far better than my ways ever could be. His love covers me when I feel worthless. He is, and I am not. I just love settling, as you would in a comfy armchair near a fire, in that embrace.

:)

2009-02-03T17:00:00.001-05:00

We're not victims, but we're victorious. Tare my walls down, I'm only Yours now. No matter what, you have made this day, and I will rejoice in it.

Falling, face down.

2009-02-02T16:09:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been in worship, but not really in worship? Has the Holy Spirit ever tugged at you to just fall to your knees, to focus and to be in admiration? I've felt that the last few months. I've felt like I've just been going through the motions and trying my best to not feel.

I've lied to myself and to God. I don't realize what I keep inside until I hear someone else cry out in tears and shouts and find myself brought to tears and crumbling, due to the fact that those shouts and cries are mine and have been mine, mirrored and unspoken. I deny myself of feeling. It's either because I don't feel like I should, I'm not good enough to, or because I need to put a show on in front of the people that I see every weekend. I get to a point where I just block out getting real with God because I hurt and I don't know how to not. I don't just break down to God, I pull myself together and move forward.

Because it's taking some consideration and time to write these sentences and it's not just flowing, I'm not going to further it. I just need prayer: that I can figure out what's really bothering me the most and I can let myself feel whatever I need to feel and that I will just fall to my knees in front of God in all days and with all things.

C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser

2009-01-27T01:26:00.002-05:00

If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundaboutof the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For me, for me, for me

Call + Response

2009-01-21T18:32:00.002-05:00

So I probably already annoyed you all about this via facebook, but just in case...

go to this site:
www.callandresponse.com/trailer.html

Christal told me about this a couple nights ago and I wanted to help. We're trying to get this movie to come to Raleigh so more people can see it and realize the injustice that is going on. I had NO idea, it really is crazy. Search the website a little, explore. It's crazy.

Then go to youtube.com and type in "call + response tyler" to see the responses to the movie being shown in Tyler, Texas.

I'm not sure the date because it's still a little crazy, finding a movie theatre, communication problems, etc, etc.

But here's a video:

heart-wrenching. (Near the end, she's saying "Slave-Free". What they are doing is taking a picture with a product from a certain chain or brand and putting the words "Slave-Free" over it and then e-mailing the companies asking if they are Slave-Free and for proof of it. Here's a website of companies that have replied and how many e-mails that have been sent to them asking if they are. http://chainstorereaction.com/

A life worth living

2009-01-20T22:34:00.003-05:00

Let me clear my mind first. It's been a day. But this was on my heart and I really want to express it. It might not flow as well as it did when it was first imprinted in my mind and heart, that's the way it always has gone with me. If I don't write it right away it's hard to grasp it again. But we'll try, won't we?

I finished this book a couple nights ago called, Ribbon of Years by Robin Lee Hatcher. It's such a beautiful book! Ahh, it starts in the summer of 2001 with this woman named Julianna who is in her mid forties and at her wits end. She wants more to life and doesn't know what it is that she needs. She stops at this open house for a house that is being sold and she walks in and goes up the steps. She walks into a room and sees a box in the middle of the room on a table, with chairs surrounding it. The box is titled "My Life" and the curiosity gets the better of her so she looks inside. Inside is little trinkets of things that don't seem to matter much: a poster, earrings, a Nixon button, and a few other things. Just then an old man walks into the room. He greets her and she feels ashamed of course, but then they start talking. She wants to leave, not really wanting to listen to stories of the past, but she finds herself sitting down with him. Others walk in, varying in age, younger than the first man. They sit around the table with the box and she introduces herself, blushing, and they greet her warmly. Before she knows it the old man pulls out the poster and gets misty eyed. Then the story begins.

The book goes through the life of this woman named Miriam, explaining each trinket and what it represented in her life. It starts off with her at the age of 15 in 1956. After each part of her life involving the item is complete it flashes back to Juliana and the present. It goes like this through the whole book. It was beautifully written and awe-inspiring. It made me think about life and faith and the simplicity of living your life for God when you take a step back and look at it. Miriam went through more trials then most people ever dream of facing, and yet her faith grew stronger as she grew older, and touched so many lives, even when it hurt her. I finished the book and sighed. I want that. No matter how short or long my life is destined to be, I want that kind of faith. A realization that has been playing in my life a lot lately as I've read and I've seen people go through situations is that eternal life is not a destination or place, but it's the relationship with Christ day to day and the fellowship that comes with that (John 17:3). She was used, not in striving, but in her being. She loved God, she knew him.

It made me think of the wisdom in older people when you listen to them. Especially when their minds go back to the past, you can see it in their eyes, the knowledge that is just waiting to spill out from their lips. I could sit all day with someone with such wisdom. I love becoming a sponge in front of them, listening to the lessons learned and the sorrows healed. There is so much to learn from them, and I pray that I will one day be like that. That through the trials I trusted in God and that my life was blessed from it! I guess the best is yet to come when you think of it in such a way. I pray that I will look back on my life with joy in that I followed Him with everything inside of me. I pray that my relationship with Him is so strong that as I die it will just be like changing neighborhoods. (ha, not really, but I was at a loss for words. :D) But I pray that I grow to know His character more and more each day so that when I do look back on my life I will do so in peace, that He worked my life out for the better, that I touched people for the better because of Him so evident in my life.

Like little ones sitting in front of the Storyteller telling tales and enchanting them with his rhythm and wordplay, I will sit in front of You, my Jesus. Daily I will be a sponge, soaking up all that you have for me to learn. I will walk with You. You are my Protector, my Shield, my Strong Tower, my Rock, my Compass, my Father, my Savior, my Husband, my Best Friend, my Healer, my Source. You are, and I'm not. I will be a Mary, sitting at your feet. Help me to not become a Martha, wanting to please you, but missing the target, because I'm missing You. True eternal life comes from knowing You not in knowing everything it takes to get there. Through everything that goes on in my life I pray that my life can be an example of You because I pray that through everything I face, I will cling to You and let You speak. I guess this is my offering. Thread my life together like only You can. We are only given this one life, and I give it to You. Help me to be gentle and have a soft-spirit. Help me to never lean on my own understanding, but trust in You. I pray that I learn the little lessons that life is always throwing at us through every decision. I pray that I give you every day and I'm quick to listen to Your Spirit. Help me be sensitive to You and the opportunities you put in front of me. My life is Yours.

just a random post

2009-01-17T13:58:00.004-05:00

Today is a Jeremy Camp day. He was in my cd player and I listened to him. :)

It's soooo coold!!! ugh, I want spring time to come! :) so tanning can come, and all fun stuff! haha.

but naw, I'm not completely shallow; I think my dreams need to move on with their life, I'm tired of having the same kinds of dreams. It's annoying. They left for a while and now they're back.

-----

I'm being wary and patient. We'll see what God has in store.

I had fun times with friends last night. It was nice to hang out with them. Mall Cop was good, but so shouldn't have been PG - they had a lot of cussing in there. It just makes you think about how much blurrier the lines of this world are getting.

Happy birthday Matt Figueras! haha. You probably have never seen this blog of mine, but I'll say it anyways. haha. :D Normally I don't wish people happy birthdays on posts but it's that kind of post today. haha, wow, I'm tired, but not really, just cold.

I really like reading. I want to more. I need more books. haha.

K, well church tonight most likely.

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"God providentially weaves the threads of His call through our lives, and only we can distinguish them. It is the threading of God’s voice directly to us over a certain concern, and it is useless to seek another person’s opinion of it. Our dealings over the call of God should be kept exclusively between ourselves and Him."
-Oswald Chambers

dude, that has been playing in my life the last few days. It's alright to see what other people would do, but above all, you gotta listen to the Holy Spirit. Tis a crazy thing. :)

Your ways are far greater than my ways ever could be.

2009-01-14T12:01:00.004-05:00

I forgot about the Oswald Chambers' devotions. Thanks for reminding me, Kristina.

January 12, 2009

Have You Ever Been Alone with God? (1)

When they were alone, He explained all things to His disciples —Mark 4:34

Our Solitude with Him. Jesus doesn’t take us aside and explain things to us all the time; He explains things to us as we are able to understand them. The lives of others are examples for us, but God requires us to examine our own souls. It is slow work— so slow that it takes God all of time and eternity to make a man or woman conform to His purpose. We can only be used by God after we allow Him to show us the deep, hidden areas of our own character. It is astounding how ignorant we are about ourselves! We don’t even recognize the envy, laziness, or pride within us when we see it. But Jesus will reveal to us everything we have held within ourselves before His grace began to work. How many of us have learned to look inwardly with courage?

We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves. That is always the last bit of pride to go. The only One who understands us is God. The greatest curse in our spiritual life is pride. If we have ever had a glimpse of what we are like in the sight of God, we will never say, "Oh, I’m so unworthy." We will understand that this goes without saying. But as long as there is any doubt that we are unworthy, God will continue to close us in until He gets us alone. Whenever there is any element of pride or conceit remaining, Jesus can’t teach us anything. He will allow us to experience heartbreak or the disappointment we feel when our intellectual pride is wounded. He will reveal numerous misplaced affections or desires— things over which we never thought He would have to get us alone. Many things are shown to us, often without effect. But when God gets us alone over them, they will be clear.

--------

You're closing me in, I get it, I get it.

I'm learning that I don't always understand His ways or His reasons. And maybe He's not going to answer me right when I want Him to, or when I feel like I would understand. And maybe I'll cry out to Him about something and I won't get an answer concerning it, because it's not time. I'm understanding this more and more, though not understanding at all. Ha! I don't understand His ways, but I trust in His plans and His purposes, and who He is. That's enough.

"Suddenly our praying is not to shift or change some outward circumstances, but for a revelation of how God is already working." - Life's Ultimate Privilege

2009-01-12T20:24:00.002-05:00

"Maybe you feel so far away because you've been drawing away from God. Ask yourself how your quiet time has been doing in the last six months. That will answer your uneasiness as quick as can be."

I'm excited about fasting as a whole, just because as we do it alone, we're growing together. Imagine 300,000 people doing it around the United States, with pure motives, just on their face in front of God. Imagine what God could do! Well, it sure is something! I'm not doing the exact Daniel's fast because a. my whole family isn't doing it and b. because when I've done it in the past I've gotten way too legalistic about it and that's not what it's about. I've done facebook in the past and that has been good, but I've just filled my time with other things. This time I am going to do some fasting throughout it, meaning just water, or fasting of other things, whenever I feel called to do it. I'm mainly asking myself if when I'm doing it, am I doing it for the right reasons? As soon as my thoughts on eating and me loosing weight control my brain I'm going to stop. I need to be disciplined. I love reading the Word, but I don't make it a set habit and it shows. I can tell when I haven't been having quiet times with God, because I feel so drained. And it's not about feelings, I know, there have been times when I've been reading my Bible and I haven't gotten anything for a while. But it's a different empty then when you're not going to the Source at all. But fasting is getting so thirsty for the Word of God, for God Himself. Be near, oh God, be near.

2009-01-11T22:31:00.004-05:00

I get scared of my thoughts sometimes.

I know I could be so easily swayed given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

And that scares me, just in realizing that.

So easily I could draw away from God.

My faith needs to grow stronger and I need to know my place in each situation.

A humbling experience

2009-01-10T15:26:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was talking to this girl in Weightlifting. I became friends with her after I stopped hanging out with another group of girls in that class. Anyways, through a series of events I started talking to her and hanging out with her more. She also has lunch with me, but normally sits with another table behind us. Well, as we were sitting around (doing non weightlifting crap, haha) she told me that she had told this girl at her table that I was one of the nicest people she has ever met. (Now, just wait, you'll see why this isn't me praising myself) I was like, "awww, really?" And instead of being like, BAM great oppurtunity to show Christ, I was thinking, "Hm, I wonder if anyone else heard that? That'll show those girls that I am worth their time and what they're missing by not being my friend!" Ha, I told you. So as I was sitting there and we started talking about other things the thought entered into my head that I could have given all the Glory to Christ. But I didn't and I lost that oppurtunity. Not only could I have thrown a seed to her, but also potentially to her friend and to her whole table. Ah, I'm praying that God will give me another chance.

I keep being reminded and reminded that it's not about me. It's about God being given the Glory through everything. I mean, that's what He wants ultimately. Number one, He wants the Glory and number two, He wants a relationship with us. So it can't be about us when we run this race. If we are to lay down ourselves and take up the cross we must also lay down everything that we are: my selfishness, my pride, and my hurt. Oh me, oh my. I'm a work in progress, but aren't we all?

Me, me, meee.

2009-01-08T22:34:00.005-05:00

I tend to play my life on emotion. Am I happy? Am I sad? Do I feel like God is speaking to me in my quiet times? Do I feel loved? Do I feel disliked? Am I making this person happy? Is who I am not enough? Do I care at this point? Do I care at the next? Do I feel like stepping out today? Do I feel negative? Do I feel incomplete? Is my emotions taking hold of my life?

It's all about me, isn't it? Think about this. Take someone who has lived in the United States all their life. You know, the good life. Not completely, but they've worked for where they are. They are proud of where they are. This person is a pretty good Christian, goes to a great church, tithes, seeks God for every decision, and prides himself on the fact that because he was such a good servant to God, He has blessed him with all he has now. He is pretty humble, he doesn't mean it out of selfishness. That's just his worldview. He truly is grateful to God. Then this man gets an opportunity to go on a mission trip in the heart of Africa for two months. He agrees, getting stoked for all that God will do. The time comes for him to leave. He has to admit that he is bummed to leave all his stuff, but he's content none the less, and excited for what's to come. He leaves and then arrives. Initial shock, yes, but he eventually becomes enthralled and enticed in where he is. He sees these people, so poor, and yet truly living. As he sees them come to know Christ, come to hear the raw Gospel and as they hear the Gospel they become outraged at what people did to this man, Jesus, and he sees them fall to their knees in worship, out loud, praising Him for who He is, as he sees all of that, he begins to be changed from the inside out. He sees that they're poor, he sees that they have no hope for advancement in society, he sees how dirty, unwanted, and unloved they are to the world, and to his original home and his original worldview. His heart begins to break.

But it doesn't break for them. His heart breaks for those back in his home. His heart breaks for himself, for all that he has been taught by society and all he has viewed of God. He hears the Gospel here in such a different way then he did back home. He sees how the people react to who God is in such a different way. He realizes why. They think of themselves as undeserving. They come to God with such selflessness. They don't expect to get blessed, they know that life may not change for them, but that doesn't matter to them. The strong Disciples for Christ that live there reflect that as well. They give their life, every day. They know that their life is not centered around themselves, but rather God. They realize that it's all for God's Glory. They want to know Christ, and to suffer with Him. And they are living it! He realizes that his worldview is beginning to change because he was put in a place where he is getting nothing in return for what he's doing and loves doing it anyways.

The day arrives for him to leave to go back to the United States, his home. But it's not really his home anymore, most of, if not all of his heart will be in the heart of Africa. He comes home, steps off the plane, and instantly becomes homesick. He sees everyone in their cars, shopping bags in their hands, driving by churches with their nice bulletins saying things like, "Dare to live beyond your means!" and other things that all he can do is shake his head at. As he meets with his family that day, a reunion like no other, they can't get him to shut up about it. He tells of all he has learned and all that God taught him through this experience. They didn't understand as much as he would like, giving him that expression that people give someone when they want to understand but they know that they don't so they just smile nicely with hesitant eyes. He doesn't understand why they don't understand! They seems to be perfectly fine living in their luxury! He can't fathom why anyone would want to live like this?! It just doesn't make sense! And then he stops. And realizes something. He had been living the exact same way just two months ago. He can't believe that such a little, and yet such a long amount of time has gone by. Realizations dawns on him that people aren't going to change that easily. Just because his worldview has changed doesn't mean everyone else's worldview will.

I guess I've realized how selfish I am. I'm so caught up in my emotions and how I'm feeling and all that crap that I don't realize what I'm doing to myself, and how I'm viewing God and my time with Him.

"How we percieve this world is already broken because it's coming from a broken world." -Andy, I think.

How I percieve this world will play a big part in how I see it and how I deal with it. Knowing my worldview will force me to take my faith in to my own hands even more, and knowing other worldviews will help me know how to react with other people.

Lots of thoughts, lots of thoughts. Let me think them. (lol, reading that it looks like I'm being almost rude, but I'm not, I just meant as in, let me have time to think them through. haha, oops.) :)