I am so, so, so, so unworthy. I can't even express how unworthy I am. Shaun spoke about repentance this past saturday at bible study. He felt like God was telling him to directly speak on this. There was only three of us there. Shaun, Emily, and I. It had to be for me or emily. It was for me as far as I know. I heard this quote before - "You are only as holy as you are at home." Ouch. God has been speaking to me about this. My sister and I have been at each others throats lately. We can't seem to get along no matter what. I feel bad for our neighbors who may hear us screaming at each other, the ones that don't go to church (if they do hear us). "What hypocrites." Yeah. Watching movies that arn't out yet online, for free. Being completely selfish. Not so great thoughts. Having mean thoughts about my mom. Rolling my eyes when I talk to her.
I'm not comfortable in my own skin right now. Because I'm growing comfortable in my own sin. Even the little things, that don't seem like a big deal compared to other stuff people are doing - "Your holiness is not supposed to be based on other people's wickedness." It's not about if my sister is doing it too or first, it's me. And I'm ashamed at even that statement. Because it is so elementary, and it almost brings me to tears thinking about this. Because being transparent is so hard. It hurts to see that you aren't as stable as you thought you were. In every area.
And everyone else seems like they are so together.
I had a conversation with my mom when she was driving me home from spending the day at the church tonight. We actualy had a conversation. A good conversation without me rolling my eyes and just shrugging off what she said. It makes me sound so bratty even saying this, but lately that's how it's been. I was talking to her like a person. She was expressing herself to me. I want her to feel like she can talk to me, without me making her feel dumb, or grow mad. She's a person. She may be my mom, but she is a person. Who has hurts, frustrations, pain, that sometimes she wants to express. I can be super sweet and super nice to the ladies who work at church - I'll be ready in an instant to listen, comfort, and pray for them, but I can't be that way to my mom? That is not right. I was having a conversation with Jill today (a lady who is taking the place of Courtney, who so happens to be from MARS, PENNSYLVANIA TOO) and we were talking nicely and stuff. Having a conversation, and her daughter came up, who was in 5th grade (the age I teach) and she was talking about how her daughter was in the stage of rolling her eyes. It hit me. I teach these girls, I pour into them. And yet I'm acting just like them? WHAT THE CRAP?!!? Yeah. I'm selfish and unworthy.
Before Shaun's message God had been showing me what I needed to fix. Telling me, really. But I would shrug it off. Because it hurts being transparent. It's like excercising. You dread it, hate it. All the while knowing it'll be the best thing for you, but you just don't want to do it. So you convince yourself that it'll be BETTER to not excercise because it'll be painful and your just too lazy. But as soon as you do, when your done - your excited, your pumped, you want to excercise more. But it's getting past the not wanting to part that is the hardest part. And what Shaun spoke about saturday was what I needed to hear. Even after saturday though I was like, "yea he right, but I still don't wanna!!!!!!"
Hebrews 3:12-13
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.
When I first read that verse I never would have thought it be for me. Ha, but is my heart not hardened? I mean, I'm being selfish and pulling the exercise thing, so therefore I am like that. And I'm being extremely hard on myself, and I supposed that's good. Not to beat myself up, but to be real, because I would hate to become this Christian who get's so used to doing the little sins but still puts herself up there so highly because she's not like them. That's no good.
The small sins add up to the big sins. Can also be worse then the big sins. It's not alright.
No comments:
Post a Comment