for such a time as this

I have a girl in my 5th grade class who gives me a hard time. Because I babysit her I always feel like she thinks she can walk all over me. So for a few weeks I switched with Ms. Melinda and had the fourth grade girls and she took the fifth, because I was getting annoyed with her disrupting the whole group. Then, yesterday at Fuel, the guy that spoke said something like, "Each child is different and we need to find out which gift each kid has and put them to it so they feel useful." So I thought about her. And I wanted to be super sweet to her, and let her know that I don't hate her or anything. So I walked in the warehouse wondering what the heck I could do to let her feel like she is being used. When we prayed before it started Ms. Melinda oddly said about me, "Be with Amanda, she has so much responsibility with these girls..." I was thinking, I really do need to take more responsibility with these girls. I just didn't realize how much.

So she asked me if I wanted the fourth or fifth grade girls today. Last night as I was studying I felt like I wanted to talk with the 5th grade girls, for some odd reason. But today I wasn't too sure, I sorta wanted to take the easy way out and just teach the fourthers. But I took the the 5th, holding my breah. She was there, though sitting by me this time. But that didn't mean she didn't disrupt. She kept bringing up silly things, and silly questions and causing chaos. I was about to scream. She said she had a question but I asked her to hold it till after class (I was still trying to be nice). I was trying to get into the lesson.

So after class she asked me if she could talk to me. So we went to the side and she told me something I was surprised to hear: she said she didn't believe in God. She went on to explain that things from school were telling her that it was just a story passed down from generation to generation and how she thought her parents were just putting it on her to believe. I told her that I didn't have all the answers but that I was glad that she was thinking about it all. I told her to not give up on God just yet. I told her to ask him to show Himself to her. Earlier I had been telling the girls of how much of a masterpiece they each are (Ephesians 2:10) and how God wants to pursue and seek each of them. So I told her to give Him a chance to seek her. I told her I didn't have all of the answers but I'd keep her in my prayrs and that if she ever needed to talk, she could call me, and I gave her my number.

My heart cries for her and is also blown away of how God put it all together. How, if I had gave up and just helped the fourth, how she probably wouldn't have talked to Mrs. Melinda about it. How I started babysitting and growing a relationship with her for a reason. I have no idea what the outcome is going to be. I'm going to pray and pray and pray some more. It's kind of crucial. That's why I love our Grapple curriculum, it's making the kids search and think for themselves, not just believing what their parents believe. Though I was amazed that a 5th grade girl was asking those questions and thinking about those things. I'm blown away what kids are surrounded by now a days - lol though I probably sound like an old person. But it's true - I don't remember thinking those thoughts in 5th grade. Though she does have an older brother in middle school who she said dosn't believe in God either. I hope someone takes the time to care for him at youth.

It reminds me of the story about the judge and the woman in the bible. I'm not sure where it is but it talks about how the judge was not a God-fearing judge in the least. And this woman came up to him asking him for something - lol, I'm really rusty with the Bible now! :( haha, so the judge said no, so she kept comming back and back and back. So he finally gave it to her because he was so tired of her asking him about it. Not because he believed in God, but because she annoyed him! lol. So the whole thing was to the fact of - Keep going to God, keep seeking Him about things, and He will answer - in His time. Which made me start to think about how people go through things and how they pray for what seems like an eternity (though it quite possibly was only a few times) and God dosn't answer them so they cry out 'WHY?!' But, they really just need to keep seeking Him. Keep 'bothering' Him in a sense.

But ANYWAYS, I have no idea what the outcome of this will be. How God is going to use me. But how he has put this in front of me, how he has put it all together, makes me realize that it is for such a time as this. And I have such a responsibility! I have no idea how much these girls look up to me until they come to me with deep questions. And how girls that I have had last year still come up to me expressing their boy problems and their struggles with me. And it blows my mind that I have that much responsibility. And it scares me, because I am realizing that I could be used. My life, reaching others, is starting now. It's not starting after college when I find myself in Thailand. My mission field is where I have impact. And where I have impact is with these girls. And I can't just shrug this off and give her Bible answers. I have to say things that make her think, and make her search for herself. I have no idea what that is, what I have to say, but my quiet time needs to take a deeper step. I need to get more organized, get more together, and pray like never before.

It's kind of scary giving and trusting God completely with your life; having no idea what God will place in your lap until He drops it. But then again, I can't even trust myself to fall.