How could you have come so far, yet stay the same?

Poor Xanga.

Ha, so I got an e-mail from The Xanga Team saying how they are going to delete the xangas that aren't being used anymore and if I want to keep it I have to sign in and post something. I'm not sure if I'll do all that, though I hate throwing away anything, so the fact of it not being there to be able to go back to and read makes me want to (I could never do what Rachel does to hers :D). Anyways, it made me read through it and other peoples. I must say, I have to chuckle at some of the things I wrote and what others wrote. I thought I was so cool in my own little world. Some part of me wonders if I'll look back at this in 10 years and laugh.

Two and a half years since I last updated. I guess that's not that much time. It just feels MASSIVE. And my xanga before that, makes me laugh so much more. I thought I was such a rebel in my own little world. I wrote that my favorite show was 'The Real World' because I wasn't allowed to watch MTV. I would sneak it, thinking I was the coolest cat in the world. :)

Something I noticed I struggled with a lot was stepping out of my comfort zone. Another was my insecurity. I would constantly talk on my blogs about how I couldn't figure out why it was so hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people that I knew didn't know Christ. I would always tell Jeff that, and I laugh at the patience he must have had for me and my striving to do God's will and yet coming back to the alter constantly. Picture who I was: A little, glasses wearing girl (if you think I look little now, imagine what I must have looked like then) who wore big-over sized Jesus t-shirts as her wardrobe, never wore make-up, thought she was extremely fat because she still had a little bit of baby fat, walked extremely fast with her head down, all the while trying to live the picture perfect Christian life, striving to do do do for God. I scratch my head still at the combination of what was just listed. Here on this side of my life I loved God, represented Him all the way with the t-shirts, wanted to go into missions, didn't wear make-up and was ok with that, worked with the 4-year olds at church, and seemed kind of quiet but an all-together girl who had a heart after God. Then on the other side: A girl who constantly over-thought everything, was so insecure that she hid in the comfort of baggy shirts and no make-up, who thought she was soo fat when you could see the bones underneath her skin, who tried to do so many things for God, felt bad for the people she came into contact with because they had to see her face, was belittled by someone who meant the world to her, and because of that, thought nothing about herself, and had thoughts of suicide at night while no one even realized. (This was middle school time.)

It's just crazy, you know? Do you ever wonder about the attributes that you have now? Do you ever wonder where they came from? If it was because of things that happened in your life? The problems that you still face today - where they came from, how what may have happened shaped you and the way you thought about things. Like the way I walk fast for instance; I don't really mean to, I'm just comfortable with it. Maybe it came from when I was in middle school and I was so insecure with myself that I walked extremely fast. That's just a small for instance, but what about others?

Some of the insecurities I still face, sometimes I'm mean out of habit, how I still have a problem with stepping out of my comfort zone, how I have a hard time letting certain people in, how I can become easily angered, how little things get to me, how I could have just been in a fight with my family but as soon as I walk into church or anywhere else I put on an extremely happy face and forget about everything, how I open up, but not everything to people, the jealousy that I sometimes have towards my sister, my negativity when I'm at home, how I can hurt my mom, all of that stuff. I've started to try to think about my past and where each of these things started or what may have caused them. It's crazy to think about it all. But I guess if I want anything to change I have to think about when it first started and heal that part. Then it will start to heal and I can work through it. Lots of those things in the beginning of this paragraph have to do with what happened or the way I felt in the paragraphs above.

The thing is, the more I think about it, the more some things haven't changed since then. Change. What a powerful little word.

Editttt// (so xanga of me) - 10:00am

Now, don't get me wrong, I have changed since then. But as I think on these things I realize that there is a lot of similarities from when I was younger to the person I am right now. And I don't blame all of my problems now on the past, I don't blame any of it on the past. I would never get anywhere if I did. But I do realize that some of the things I still struggle with started during that time in my life, so knowing that and realizing that helps to work through those things instead of pushing them under the rug and pretending that they aren't there. After going through so many of these things I've started to realize that I really need to forgive certain people in my life and I need to have conversations with others explaining myself and really having a heart to heart with them to start the healing proccess of when I hurt them. I don't want to go through my life with this wedge in my side that was just swept under my shirt. Having a wedge in your side would probably cause more pain. Like a bullet, it needs to be removed.