What felt so strong now feels like something to cling on to. Idk what's up with me anymore. I just don't honestly feel like the person that seems so happy. Maybe it's a good front, but I feel like I can't be that real to anyone, and in some cases, for anyone. I just..idk. ...If it's a game then I never was a participator nor do I want to be in this game and I don't even want to be on the side lines watching either... I never let myself listen to sad songs like the one below because I always feel like I need to listen to super happy songs and not dwell in my sadness. I don't even know why I'm so sad either. I feel so lost, not in who Christ is, but where He wants me to be and who He wants me to be. I feel so lost with friends. I don't feel close to anyone anymore. Everyone has their new friends, I feel out of place so I make myself a fool. I didn't even know it was a front, now that I think of it. That crazy side of me is a normal side, but I can sometimes use it so I don't have to think about anything, which means I can use it as a front. I just want to be real with people, but sometimes it's hard.
Well, that's where I'm at right now. I can't shake this sadness in my heart no matter how much I try. It's been here for a while now. I'm not even exactly sure of why I'm so sad. :/ I guess I just feel like everything I thought I knew is down to a whisper. Again, not who Christ is, I'm confident in that, but just where and who He wants me to be.
1 comment:
:/
Maybe you can't know yet. Maybe you're not ready to know. All of the sadness and lost feeling are preparation for what He has in store for you. You've got to be willing to lose everything if you're going to fully surrender, so what's wrong with feeling lost with friends? Sometimes you might feel like a fool, but Romans 8:18 says, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." So you just have to take it all in stride. You have to rejoice through it all, even though that it is so hard to even comprehend. The Bible talks about it over and over, and when we're OK, we're like "Sure, yeah. I can do that." But when it all comes down to it, it doesn't even make very much sense to a person who is suffering and that's why we have to have faith that God will get us out of it and make our suffering, our time of loneliness into something incredible and unbeatable.
I probably sound very hypocritical and redundant, and I'm sorry.. but I'm always here, I'm always your friend.
God will reveal His plan for you in His own time. Just get ready because you'll never know when..
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