Falling, face down.

Have you ever been in worship, but not really in worship? Has the Holy Spirit ever tugged at you to just fall to your knees, to focus and to be in admiration? I've felt that the last few months. I've felt like I've just been going through the motions and trying my best to not feel.

I've lied to myself and to God. I don't realize what I keep inside until I hear someone else cry out in tears and shouts and find myself brought to tears and crumbling, due to the fact that those shouts and cries are mine and have been mine, mirrored and unspoken. I deny myself of feeling. It's either because I don't feel like I should, I'm not good enough to, or because I need to put a show on in front of the people that I see every weekend. I get to a point where I just block out getting real with God because I hurt and I don't know how to not. I don't just break down to God, I pull myself together and move forward.

Because it's taking some consideration and time to write these sentences and it's not just flowing, I'm not going to further it. I just need prayer: that I can figure out what's really bothering me the most and I can let myself feel whatever I need to feel and that I will just fall to my knees in front of God in all days and with all things.