If you think you know what this means, you probably don't

This song has so much meaning in it. I'm applying it to one area of my life...and it's not really that boy/girl thing. Sometimes I think I'll wake up tomorrow and going to Texas would all be a dream. Like I had just dreamed all this preperation and all this hard fundraising and that I'll wake up and have my classes set up for some other college that's three hours away at the most. And I don't think I'd want it in the least if I didn't have this attribute about myself that wants to fix and hold it together.

Kristina and I joke about this sometimes, because we're so similiar in this area. It's hard for me to not try to fix situations. People come to me because I have "wisdom" and i'm always the go-to girl who you don't listen to when things are going okay, but when when comes crashing down you run to. So I try to fix. I guess it's the nurturer inside of me. I'm the Middle Man, the referee. Bottom line: I try to be the tape that holds it all together. And that burns me out. Because I get wripped and torn. And of course I would. I'm not the Tape that you really need. I have to constantly remind myself of that.

It's almost like I can't leave. Me, trying to be the tape that holds it together feels that if I leave that everything will fall apart...because what's left of my tape will leave. And you always hear stories of this. How others have felt like this when this happened. But that's not supposed to be your story. So you try to fix it. Fix it, fix it, fix it. But three is a crowd. And I'm just a kid.

But I have to let it go. Why does it have to re surface? Why does it have to suck? Why can't I do anything about it? "You'll be able to see when people are in bondage...and the Holy Spirit will speak words to you that will bring life to people." Hm. I do have so much to say, but I'm not entirely sure if they all would come from the Holy Spirit, but from my own aggrivated flesh. So I'll be still. Actually last night, before I had that conversation, I had a single question pop into my brain of what to say. So maybe that was the Holy Spirit.

Because I'm tired of this. I hate this for you. And I don't understand this.

But, I must leave. And if it falls apart because the ametuer tape leaves, then so be it. You need the Strong Tape, the Super Tape, the Duct Tape (ha, I tried not using this term because everyone laughs when it's used) that will truly hold this together.

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
So I don't think I'm going to go to LA anymore

-In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer