ay - 2008, let's reflect.

I guess my 2008 was uneventful because I don't think I could do a monthly list of my events and my thoughts. I guess I could if I tried but I wouldn't want to break it down so much.



It's been quite a year. Hm, let me see. I went through a lot of challenging times. I questioned A LOT! And continue to do so. But I began to question things in such a high in take that I began to cause a stir in myself and in those around me. I think some of things that I wrote weren't the wisest that I could but I can't say I regret them. It taught me things about the true character of somethings and things that I'm keeping close to my heart. Hm. I'm still questioning everything I'm fed. Is it from the Word? is the question I always ask myself in everything I hear. It's a good question to ask yourself because it keeps you willing to change at any instant. It keeps me moldable for what God wants to show me and it puts me in charge of my faith. I guess that's another thing that I've been growing in. My faith being mine, and not my church's and not my family's, but mine. It's making witnessing harder. I've always been the one to "pass out the card" ya know? So I never really took witnessing into God's hands and mine. Throughout the spring and once in the beginning of the summer I began to go out and witness to people. I blame crazy-for-God, Shaun. He challenged us to push past our normal Christianity and witness to people. During Bible Studies on Saturday mornings we would walk around the town of Clayton and talk with people about Christ carrying bibles, tracks, and other things. It scared the mess out of me, but as soon as I started talking to people it was a little easier. Then during the summer on a beach trip we went out and handed out water bottles along with bibles and tracks and stuff. That was a huge step for me because it scared the crap out of me as well. It was a growing experience, but it did teach me that I wanted to grow more in the apologetics of my faith - which, in that conclusion, led me in a lot of inner turmoil.



There are some things that happened that taught me that I need to lean on Him and let go of everything else. It just taught me that my grasp on things can't be that tight, and I can't let myself get too attached because the fall hurts so much more when you do. I'm learning how to take let downs better and how to prevent them from happening again. I've also learned that I'm still very insecure and that shows at times. I put this wall up and this hard exterior and because I'm afraid to get hurt I almost make it so you can't hurt me, I'll fight before you can hurt me. I've reflected on my past a lot this year. How it shaped me into who I am and what role it does and then what role it should play in my life.

I was looking at my notes - it's easier than looking back on my blog. I was looking at what I wrote about a lot during this year. It brought a flood of different things that went on throughout it. the memories sworming in. Love triangles, or shapes as I liked to call it, because it wasn't just a simple triangle. Oh me, oh my, how dumb were we! lol, I don't feel bad for typing that because I honestly believe it. :P It feels like I always go through a cycle with my blogs. I always talk about love, struggles with friendships, family, the past, struggles with living for Christ, joys in living for Christ, honesty in what I've learned and been taught, etc, etc. I always talk about mainly those things.

I became more real with myself during this year, more so in these past months. I became more real about facing who I am and what I think and what I feel. It's harder then having a shield over my eyes because when I have a shield over my eyes I can hide from the pain and from the honesty. But that's no way to live, so here we are. I just wish I could be honest with other people, not just myself.

I think this year will be a big year for me. Mainly because I will be deciding where I'm going to college, leaving the people that I love so incredibly much, as I leave them behind or as we go our seperate ways, and as I start off on my own. (Or not, my dad's still rooting for jcc, haha.) I think I'm gonna cry a lot when I leave the people that I love, all these friendships. But it's for the best. I've made myself close off from other people as I've made my decision about colleges and stuff like that, because I don't want any person to influence where I go. Maybe I took that to the extreme, haha, but it's what I've decided.

I can't change the past, no one can. But it's good to learn from it. Don't beat yourself up about the past that you've lived, but learn from it and begin to heal the wounds by letting Him step in. It may just require an honest apology and an open heart. That goes for both sides of the party. Live in your present, because that's where God can use you. Don't over fret about the future and don't think you have it all figured out either. God will show you where He wants you to go and your future will be His, as your future becomes your present. 2009, I greet you, a bit scared of all that you are, but confident in who my God is, and that I am His.