I have defined myself based on my perception of what other people saw and how they reacted towards me.
Love has been something that must be earned, although I never actually thought I'd receive it.
When I experienced rejection from someone that meant the world to me I felt worthless. Who they said I was, the "worth" they found in me became the limitations I put on myself. The rejection at such a young age became my truth, and so I hid.
My outlet from the hiding became writing. I always felt that it was safe to share my struggles, my thoughts, and ultimately my heart to a screen. I could detach myself from the idea that others could actually read my words and so I found safety in the unfolding of myself through a keyboard.
But sharing my heart in words, with someone face to face? Absolutely never. Maybe a piece here and there, but other than close sisters in Christ, that could never be done. My heart had been rejected, who I was had been rejected. The bottom line that he told me was: "You are not enough." So that is what I carried with me.
God used that to shelter me. I sought Him in the desert that those harsh words brought me to. He became my everything in those moments, my identity, my refuge. He used that to grow me and teach me in wisdom and insight. I was able to use that platform in the wilderness to share with others and see things from an outward perspective and therefore grow in ways I never would have.
But even through that, I still struggled with who I was and what real love was. To me, it was ultimately God. God is love. Everyone who went to Sunday school could tell you that. Easy. God loves me regardless. That was a truth I knew backwards and forwards. Then why was it so hard for me to accept His love when I messed up? Why was it so hard to feel worthy of His love? I knew the truth upside down and all around, right? So why could I never make the cut?
It's because I never understood that God loves in freedom. A brother of mine said that on our trip in Vietnam. God loves, regardless. It doesn't matter how the other person will respond or the amount of rejection He may face. He loves because that's who He is. He just is and He just loves. He is not limited by how people see Him or how He measures up to someone. I actually think the biggest example of unrequited love is shown between He and the world...and yet He loves regardless. It amazed me and still does to think on.
That truth began to take root in my heart. I still don't know how to best grow it and nurture it but I am studying and learning every day.
My name means "worthy of love". I always joke that God really does have a sense of humor (and also the sweetest, dearest daddy heart ever) to have named me Amanda. It is the single hardest thing I struggle with. Your worth is found in your identity. My self-worth was never up to par because I lived in the limitations and lens I saw through, which seemed to shaped me. Love is not self-seeking. I'm worthy of love even if I have nothing to give? Even if I'm not "enough" by unseen and seen standards? I'm worthy of God, who is love, and the other forms of love that shape the world?
So my journey is far from finished in the learning department. I'm being challenged to love in freedom...to expose myself for who I am no matter the rejection I feel I may face on the other side. I want to learn to be vulnerable and trust God that He will continue to provide the words that I feel that I sometimes verbally lack. He has given me a heart for so many things that I don't feel near equipped for, but worth in Christ becomes exactly what's needed in each situation.
I'm also being challenged to love other people in freedom! My heart is to see people the way God sees them: beautiful and unique in their way! It's almost like I want a jump-start every single day I wake up or I'll forget. Life is so beautiful and yet so broken! The world needs love...love in truth, love with guts, and love in freedom. I want to see outside myself so I can love others with a kind of love that changes things.
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