Captivating, the book, had been sitting on my shelf in my room. It was missing for a while...I wasn't sure if I had lent it to someone and it was gone or what, but for a while I didn't have it. Then, over the last couple days I saw it on my shelf as if begging for me to pick it up and read it! So last night I did. I was in a sort of indifferent/humorous mood. I had just deactivated my Facebook, told the world of Twitter that it was very possible I was PMSing, was thinking about how I probably think too much and say too much, and was sitting on my bed looking at the book calling my name. So, I gave in and picked it up and started reading.
God must have a lot left He needs to work on me about because it was like I was reading it for the first time and not the bajillionth (it feels :D). I'm only two chapters in but shoot, it's good.
Today: hung out with Emily, had some awesome conversations like we always do...talked about the book, about being a woman in this world and the shame that can come with that, and just had some good discussion. Then I went to Joyce Meyer's with Michelle and got to catch up with her some!
God spoke to me even before Joyce got up to speak! We were worshiping about how good God was and my thoughts drifted towards my tweet that said, "I'm pretty sure it's completely normal to delete your Facebook from time to time...or maybe I'm just PMSing." torn between laughing and thinking maybe that was on the borderline of too much information ;). Right away, I shunned myself for allowing my mind to drift while I was worshiping but God just as soon engulfed me in His love! He delights in me! That truth began to seep into everything that I was, in that moment, into everything that I've felt, into my insecurity, into it all. The book, Captivating, talks about how a little girl went up to everyone asking them if they wanted to hear her song and she began singing it. She wanted to be delighted in, unashamedly. She didn't even think that she could be interrupting what someone was doing, no one had ever told her that, she just expected to be delighted in!
He was telling me in that moment that He delights in me! That He delights in me for who I am! He delights in my weakness! He delights in the fact that I would tell all of twitter that it's possible I'm PMSing because I crave authenticity and don't want to fit into this perfect box! He delights that I have high convictions and I'm doing my best to learn how to live between the two! He delights in who I am because He has made me and saved me from myself! He doesn't always agree with my wanderings or my choices but He loves me (even while He disciplines and teaches ;))! He delights in me despite the fact that I think too much and probably say too much! He delights in me because I turn back to Him!
He has delighted in me since He created me, I am sure of it! I see how He has specifically done things in my life to bring me to where I am now. He delighted in me even when I was crushed and didn't see Him. He delighted in me when I was a little middle school-er who asked the youth pastor if I could go to both the middle school and high school services because I wanted more of God even while I was dealing with so many insecurities and struggles. He has delighted in me because He looks at the heart and He knew deep down I wanted Him but I was easily swayed. He has delighted in me because He knows my potential, because He doesn't see as I see. He delights despite my weakness because His strength can be made perfect in it!
I basically just got blasted with the truth that God delights in me. It wasn't just a feeling but a truth that finally hit me. I may not feel beautiful most days, but HE delights in me! I may allow fear to control my life sometimes (what Joyce spoke on tonight) but He delights in me because I turn back to Him! I may think too much but He delights in me and He's teaching me to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. I may realize I don't always trust Him when He doesn't do what I want Him to but He delights in me because He knows I want to and that I'm falling more in love with His character! He delights in me because I am His daughter.
It's just...unfathomable. He created us to be in relationship with Him, to delight in Him and He in us. Then sin came and obviously we are all born in sin and it ruins everything. But then Christ came and mended things so we can be in relationship once again! And in each of our lives He is pursuing us because He sees our potential...we only see in part but He sees the entire thing! He pursues us because He created us, because we are His workmanship.
I may not have it all together but I'm not supposed to. I am not perfect, I have a hard time trusting, not everyone likes me (I'm sure), I may not be able to fix things, I may have a lot of weaknesses, but He delights in me because the more I become authentic, the more He can work in me! I am created to love God with everything that I am, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength. And that, I can do. I may not be able to do much, I may be a work in progress, but I can love Him and spend my life loving Him, delighting in Him, and he delighting in me. And through that love, I can love others, and delight in the beauty that's inside them! That's what I want my life to be marked by. I want to know that I am so delighted in and by my God that everyone around me will see the difference in me and want this love that we were all created for.
Psalm 34:4-5
I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
(it's such a God-thing that I thought of these verses...I didn't even realize the word "fear" was in it (what Joyce Meyer spoke on tonight!) but I remembered it had "radiant" in it and for whatever reason God wanted me to look it up! Ha, He's amazing :))
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