While talking with a friend over coffee today I shared what I would like to do with my life one day and how I would like writing to be the tool I use. She began telling me about this blog designed to help writers. Jeff Goins tells his readers to look at writing as a craft that you continue to work at and that is birthed through a love of it rather than something you do to be seen by others. I was instantly intrigued.
So tonight I went on his website, downloaded the two free e-books you get from joining his newsletter and started reading. Another thing my friend Ashley said while drinking coffee and catching up was about this challenge to write for at least 10 minutes a day. It didn't matter if you were feeling especially creative or not but to just write and write and write. At the end of the 10 minutes you may feel like you accomplished nothing but there may be just one sentence that pops out that inspires creativity that you can use for the future. I've decided to do it! I started tonight, although I was fresh off work filled with stress and a throbbing headache, definitely rusty and wishing there was something a little stronger mixed with my sprite. ;) (I can laugh now.) Needless to say, it was incredibly choppy and full of repetition. But before I knew it, I was typing away quickly turning off the 10 minute timer so as not to lose my train of thought. It was rough, believe me, but it was full of vulnerability and of things that were true to my core that I have not been wanting to admit to myself.
And as I began expressing myself on that word document I asked myself why I don't express any of this to anyone. I quickly delete anything that resembles I'm having a bad day, let alone a bad life. I allow myself to complain (sorry for that) but I never express the core of what is wrong. I wondered, is it because you don't want anyone to know or because you don't think anyone will care and be there for you?
I reread what I had wrote and the truth of it all stared back at me. Then I read one of Jeff Goins' newest blog posts, "The Problem with 'Fake It Till You Make It'" and it was literally like he was answering some of the very questions I had written in my 10-minute challenge. He speaks about the problem in trying to express yourself as someone you think others want to see. "We all project an image of ourselves to the world. This image is generally made up of half-truths, qualities we value and want to be true but sometimes aren’t." I find that so true in my life. I've felt so completely dry during this season but who knows it? I don't think anyone. I may laugh it off that work can be hard and I can't wait to have enough for a car but no one knows how hard this has been for me, how much gray I see and how little joy I experience.
And so I pretend everything is okay because I don't want anyone to know and because I don't feel like anyone would care enough to know about my problems. I listen to other people's problems, they're not supposed to listen to mine. But it's unfair to the other person. I'm allowing them to share parts of their hearts with me but I don't trust them with parts of me. I'm cheating them and I'm cheating myself. I suppose I feel so imperfect that I don't want anyone else to see it too. But as Jeff Goins wrote, it's only in sharing your weaknesses and imperfections that you can share your entire message. "The irony is our weaknesses are what make our messages believable, because they are what make us as storytellers and communicators relatable and reliable." I believe the same is true in developing relationships and learning to love yourself. I think sharing with others your own weaknesses help release the burden of carrying your imperfections by yourself, and it in fact, helps you love yourself more once you see that someone else can love you through it, too.
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