Oh, the places you will go (but have no clue about now)!

I'm beginning to realize that if you truly love something, while you will still have to work at it like everything in life, it will come much more effortlessly and flow freely.  I love writing, I really do.  I love it because it has always been the way I process thoughts, feelings, and those moments of creativity.  It's in those creative moments that the words just come and I am able to process and learn through revelations.

But...  Here I sit.  I sit here and it's been almost a year since my last published blog post.  No, it's not like those creative moments haven't come in the time since then (and they really do come at the most inconvenient times like bedtimes or during work hours!).  They have come and I would either start writing but not finish or put out an idea just beginning to light on fire. 

Why?  Why have I quieted my love for writing?  Why have I stopped strengthening that muscle?  Why do I stop it before I begin?

I think I have stopped loving it for what it really is: for me.  I've stopped seeing it as something that I come alive doing and started seeing it as a career option that I'd never truly succeed at or might not really want.  I've grown to have an almost disdainful attitude towards it as I've been preparing for college because I've chosen to get a communication studies degree.  I didn't even apply for UNC's journalism program, didn't really give it a second thought.  Now, to be fair, I really thought having a communication studies degree (with global studies as well) would give me a rounded education that would allow me to do more than "just write".  When I did briefly consider the Journalism program it seemed too focused on the structure and my writing style has always been more creative.

To be honest, I've just been lost.  I have so many things that I love and I have no idea how to figure out what that would look like in the future.  I've always wanted or, rather, loved the idea of writing for a magazine or missions organization but I don't know if it's something I'd succeed at or only do.  But apparently a communication studies program is all rhetoric and a bit too broad.

Unfortunately, as well-intentioned friends and family are telling me now that I should pursue journalism (after it's now too late) I've grown almost bitter towards writing.  I don't blame them at all. I understand their viewpoint (only wishing they had said something or I had asked the right questions sooner).

I don't know if I made the wrong choice.  I don't know if I'm going to regret it or I didn't listen to God or my not choosing the journalism program was an act of fear.  Maybe I'll regret it or maybe it will end up opening more opportunities for me (because, let's face it: writing is the ONLY form of communication that I'm okay at...speaking is NOT one them).  So maybe it will grow me and open me up to more career options and push me further.  And maybe I can get my masters in journalism if I realize that's really what I want.  I think that's the way I'm going to choose to look at this decision because I can't live believing that I'm pursuing something that is wrong for me.  I can't live constantly pushing my love for writing away simply because it's not what I've chosen to study.  In fact, I should embrace it all the more because it isn't.

When you love something it comes naturally so I'm going to begin to love writing again...not as a future goal filled with expectations and finality but as it always has been: a way to understand, to be understood, and to creatively express everything that goes on in this ol' head and heart of mine. I'll let the rest work itself out.