Find me faithful.

It's 3AM and one of those nights that sleep is becoming increasingly unattainable as the night goes on (and I didn't even have caffeine today!). The more that I've been thinking, the more I've felt the need to blog.

I've always been a "glass half-full" type of person. Something I've never had to fight for was joy and silliness. But lately, it's been stolen from me. I honestly can't find it most of the time. I see beauty in things but my joy has been stolen, mercilessly. Through self-inflicted circumstances, circumstances out of my control, and ones somewhere in between I have become increasingly discouraged. These aren't things I'm about to share for the world to see but at times I just feel defeated.

But knowing that and taking the mask off long enough to ask for prayer, encouragement, and truth spoken in love, I want to fight against the Enemy's schemes. There are some circumstances I can do nothing about but pray to become a thermostat instead of a thermometer. And there are others that I can fight a little more personally. I can only work on me, and that's plenty enough.

A pastor came up to me a month or so after I came back from Thailand and asked me if I was going through debriefing since being back. He said that he used to take a lot of short-term mission trips and organized a lot of them. He saw many people come back and fall into either ruts or sin once being back. While he was talking I thought about how it was for me. I was going through what I can best describe as Identity Crisis because it was hard for me to explain how it was for me there and be back, settling in. But once I got through that stage I thought the worst was over. But I've come to find there's another piece to debriefing.

The "what now?" piece. I didn't realize this would be so difficult for me but it really is. This is one of those areas that I can fight a little more personally in. Next semester I plan to go to JCC to take classes to eventually get a degree in Journalism. There are some details in this process that are becoming a little disheartening but I can work on what I can work on and trust that God works out everything else. The important part is doing what I can do and being a faithful steward in that.

I pray that this is the road God would have me go down. Sometimes I'm not confident in that. I'm torn between questioning if I'm doing what God wants or just making everyone and their mom happy that I'm finally doing what's smart and normal by getting a degree. But more than anything, I just want to look to what God thinks instead of everyone's opinions. I'll keep moving forward and pray God's strength will show up in my weakness.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that holding up a mask to your face is tough but living defeated is even tougher. Both are not what I want. I am determined to fight for my joy until it's back again. I am determined to do what I can and be a faithful steward with the small amount that He has given me in this season...and be faithful enough to multiply that ten-fold.