What I've noticed about me lately is it's become so hard for me to be accountable to other people because I have been in such a state of being so worn out. I almost don't want to try because I go through the school day trying to be as positive as I can, trying not to think about how I think I look or how fat I feel, trying not to think about the babysitting that's waiting for me after school, trying not to think about friendships and crap that goes on all the time, trying not to think too much about what people think of me as a person, trying not to think about all of that and more. I've been so busy and it almost makes me want to break down. When I get home all my frustrations are taken out on my family, where I'm negative and critical and just a mess. This Senior Project feels like it's going to take a lot of work and take so much of my time and...ugh, I need to just get over it. But then there is work. It's draining me: he just doesn't listen to me and I feel so bad for calling them, but they tell me to when he acts up. Then she gives me a hard time because she doesn't think she needs a babysitter and they both try to walk over me. It just feels like for the amount of money I earn, and how quick it can go away, I wonder if it's worth it. Then connect group is somewhat similar. It's my Friday night and one of the girls in particular always argues with me and makes my work there absolutely miserable. Two bible studies. It's nice to go to both, but it's sooo tyring. Then Durham to watch Martial Arts on Thursdays for my Senior Project. I'm going to do a documentary with it, I'm just not sure how. Wednesdays are the only days where I don't have to do anything, besides first Wednesdays, though this past week I had something, but I rejoice in Wednesday evenings. Then college. I just don't feel smart enough. Other people are freaking out and it makes me freak out even more because I know I'm not as smart as them, so if they are freaking out of course I should! Stupid Algebra II and Spanish I. It killed my GPA. :(
Ah, all that being said, I'm not trying to complain, but I've just realized that I've been trying to do this all in my own strength. When I'm extremely negative it's hard for me to grasp the bigger picture, and I think that's so key. I'm putting too much on my plate and it's killing me. I only have two key classes that I have to work at so I understand that other people have it harder, but everything else is so hard on me. I study my but off in Chemistry and when I feel like I did good, I get a 75 back. It's just really hard, all of that and babysitting when you know it's not going to be easy, and your highlight is driving a golf-cart. I know I can't put so much on my plate or I'm going to get swallowed up.
But I'm really not trying to complain. That's just a prayer request for me. That I will be able to figure out what I need to give up and if God wants me to continue with babysitting.
"Let Your will be done, even though I'm scared of what it may be."
1 comment:
me and you are one in this spirit. i tell you this all the time but it's almost freaky that we are so much alike. and we never really understand how similar we are because we are also similar in this: we never talk about it. not really. we mention it. we skirt around it. we think it's easier to keep it together. because if we can keep "it" together (whatever "it" is) we feel like we can keep ourselves together, too.
sigh. i have no advice because i am struggling in the same way. i'm sorry. but i'm with you in spirit.
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