Given your life as a prize, not a guessing game.

I've never been the most confident - even when I was little I was more of a follower, playing cars with my brother, tagging along, loving every minute of it. And I always wanted order. I would set up all my VHS movies and play eenie-meenie-mynee-mo. I would play until I only had one video left and that would be what I'd watch. I've just always loved structure - call it too much dependance and not enough independence, and maybe it kind of is, but that's just how I naturally am. I was the TA that didn't really leave my teacher's room to go across the hall to a room that had 3 TA's that I'd want to hang out with because I wasn't sure if I was "allowed to" and I was too timid to ask the assistant principal that I TA'd for (though you'd sort of understand if you knew her, haha). I finally did, near the end of the semester, and she didn't even care! ha! Ok, I just sound lame, but it all fits into my personality.



I find I am like that with God. I almost feel like I need to know EXACTLY what He wants. I drive myself crazy, weighing all the options, reading the Bible trying to find hidden meanings that would apply to ME, reading Oswald Chambers, trying to read between the lines to try to figure out what God wants. I go crazy...I've gone crazy. Thursday, after school, I was at the Fox's waiting to get the kids and I was completely restless. It was the last day of April and that meant the next day would be the last day I could accept Wilmington, and also Thursday was the day of my interview for the Honor Academy. My stomach was in a heap of knots and I was freaking myself out. I watched some t.v., flipped opened the Bible, read, flipped some more, got anxious, got up, and went on their computer to look up Wilmington's number. (I never go on there though they've never said that I couldn't. I said in my head, if it's on then I'll look. It normally isn't - it was.) I went on Wilmington's website and got the number. I called it, not sure what I was going to say or what i was gonna get. I called, a lady answered, and I fumbled out a question about if tomorrow was in fact the last day to accept, even if you were going for the second semester. She was a bit rude and said yes. I managed to get out, "ok, thanks" and hung up. Pacing, I finally made my way back to the computer. I clicked on the link to Oswald Chambers through Cornerstone's site and began reading. After finding that the post of the day didn't apply to "me" I looked at the past few days, trying to find anything and everything that would lead me to what I was supposed to do. What I found wasn't exactly what I wanted to find, but it was what I needed:

"God wants you to be in a much closer relationship with Himself than simply receiving His gifts— He wants you to get to know Him. Even some large thing we want is only incidental; it comes and it goes. But God never gives us anything incidental. There is nothing easier than getting into the right relationship with God, unless it is not God you seek, but only what He can give you." (April, 27)

"This is the firm and immovable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him— "I will give your life to you . . . ." What more does a man want than his life? It is the essential thing. ". . . your life . . . as a prize . . ." means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life and nothing can harm it....Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go? The true test of abandonment or surrender is in refusing to say, "Well, what about this?" Beware of your own ideas and speculations. The moment you allow yourself to think, "What about this?" you show that you have not surrendered and that you do not really trust God. But once you do surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you totally abandon yourself to God, He immediately says to you, "I will give your life to you as a prize . . . ." The reason people are tired of life is that God has not given them anything— they have not been given their life "as a prize." The way to get out of that condition is to abandon yourself to God. And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth. God will have you absolutely, without any limitations, and He will have given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience in your life or your refusal to be simple enough." (April 28)

Pretty much this whole freaking post! haha. http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/04/29/devotion.aspx?year=2009 "We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises."

For a moment, I was reading those, still trying to find the hidden meaning of what God was telling me...when it hit me. I read the first one I quoted last and the last one first. God was preparing me in reverse order for the humbling. By the time I read April 27 I was anxious, intrigued, but almost frustrated. Then I read what is bolded. He doesn't want me to search for it, but for Him. "You missed it, daughter. I want you to know Me, not what I have in store for you." Woah, buddy. Humbled, I got up from the computer chair and settled back into the couch with my bible on my lap. I apologized to my Father for trying to figure out the "prize" instead of finding out who He is. I started reading with different intentions then just 20 minutes before. Feeling refreshed I sat back and thought, the quote, "do the task He has placed closest to us...fill[ing] our lives with surprises" came into my head. Earlier that week, after I had chosen Wilmington, my mom asked me to go onto the Honor Academy's website to get information for Sarah. I was aggravated, mumbling to myself, "they have a computer, why can't they do it?" (yes, I can have mean thoughts. :D Just ask Ashton and Kristina by the last part of the cruise. :D) I went on and began looking at it more. The more I looked at it, the more I realized I really wanted this. I realllly did! I couldn't explain it, but it was like: yes, this. On the couch, I began to think about what true surrender was, and I apologized for not giving Him that. True surrender, whether I got into the Honor Academy or not, true surrender with my life, does not include worry and fear.

As I went up to the bus stop I had my Bible. As some of the mom's started to arrive, I realized that I was looking at them different. I was reacting to them differently. I felt the love bubbling from me, the delight of not dealing with worry or fear. I could see the spiritual difference in the air. So much of life's worry and anxious thoughts seem to engulf so many lives, and even my own. But for that moment, I almost understood what Oswald Chambers was saying about a life of true delight.

The kids' mom didn't get home until about 7:00 which was my interview time, so I didn't get home until about 7:15. Thankfully, they hadn't called yet. They called around 7:30 and I got transferred over to my interviewer. She asked if I was nervous, and out of impulse I said, "yeah", but in truth, I didn't feel too nervous. Michelle gave me some of the questions that they had asked a few weeks ago, but I had forgotten to look at them, so it wasn't like I was prepared, but it was almost like God put a hedge of peace over me, and for those that were interceding for me, thank you, because I wasn't nervous.

May 1 came and went. And that is okay.

I have a week and a halfish to wait till I hear from the Honor Academy about my acceptance or lack there of. If I don't, then I know that I wasn't supposed to go there, and going to JCC for the year won't be a bad thing, God will use me there, and maybe I wasn't supposed to go to Wilmington for the second semester. If I do get accepted, then I will be more than excited for the year ahead.

Either way, I'm learning what surrender is, even when everything inside of me wants to hold on tight. Haha, you'd think I would have learned that lesson before now. And I'm learning to grow to know His characteristics, and Him, my first Love. Revelations 2:4.