So something inside of me just changed last night. Maybe it was the fact that my sister's first day of school was today and it hit me that I do not want to be a bump on a log and bum it. I need to step it up. So I forced myself to sleep around 10 and woke up around 1:30am, ate some pretzels, had a capri sun, had a dove chocolate, then forced myself to sleep again. I woke up a few minutes before my alarm clock went off this morning (ha ha, God :D) and went to put my familiar, now red, tennis shoes on. I went on our treadmill, warmed up a little then went on our back deck to do some stretches. I even counted on the four count! :D Then I headed back in and went on the treadmill. I think I like exercising outside a bit more than inside but I love being able to see visually my progress. It pushes me to keep going. While I was on the treadmill the Lord spoke something to me. He said, "It's easy to follow orders and routine but true discipline comes when the expectations fall away." That really hit me because it's going to define how I live my life. I can be all these things when I have people close by doing it too, but what will I look like after everything falls away? That's one reason I'm not the biggest fan when interns start dating right after the Honor Academy. Hannah and I were talking about this. Yeah, we're all pretty amazing at the Honor Academy when everyone around you is seeking God with all their hearts and you have a deep conversation every other conversation, but what will you look like once it all falls away and real life hits? Which brings me to my next lesson of the day...
After I was done exercising, my mom was getting ready to leave to go to work. One thing led to another and my flesh rose up because she was pointing out the negative thing I had done by not making my bed meanwhile I had a list of things that I was biting my toungue about that she hadn't done. So I snapped at her with the phrase that God spoke to me about on the treadmill about discipline! Just as soon as that came out He spoke to me again, "You can't lash out what I'm teaching you to others who haven't learned it yet."
I think one of the things that have been the hardest for me after leaving the Honor Academy is having so much pent up passion and zeal that I don't know what to do with! It's like this past year has been a time of pouring in and preparation and storing and I feel that I have all of this inside of me but nowhere and no one to give it to. I'm used to having a deep conversation every other conversation! I'm used to being convicted and having a ton of accountability in my life. I don't have it anymore. And people don't know how to take it when I try to give it here, like I would at the HA. And I understand that! My life was SO DIFFERENT this past year then what it is now. But that is no excuse for me to lash out to people with what I've learned - that's like a clanging gong! With no love, it is useless.
So then I had my BNAP (bible, notebook, and pen :)) time with God. And He brought me to Luke 11:33-36. He had boughten me to that passage on my mission trip but I hadn't fully gotten it then - now, I think I do for this season of my life. It says:
"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on it's stand, so that those who come in may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely light, as when the light of a lamp shines on you.
The parts of this verse that never made sense to me was the, "your eye is the lamp of your body...etc" My honest to God train of thought was, "Ok, I don't look at porn and I don't look at guys pervertedly..." lol, I'm just being honest. But He opened my eyes up today as to what this means. My "lashing out" that we all do, stems from how I see them. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. How I see them can either bring darkness to my heart or it can bring light. Our flesh and our soul are in constant battle. Sometimes I feel like a walking Romans 7, but we as Christians all are really. We are constantly trying to destroy our flesh so that we won't live by that power anymore. I read Romans 7 and 8 on the way home from Texas and it totally changed the temperature of the ride home. And that was after I read Ted Dekker's Three, which is GENIOUS, let me tell you!
Ah, but that is not the end of the lessons for the day, not at all...
Deep down what I want to change is my heart for my future. It's easy to forget why you are going forward in a certain way when it is so out of reach and so crazy. Yeah, I'm talking about Thailand. I know that the Lord has opened that door and I know the peace that I felt when it all fell together the DAY before I went home in June. But I have been lacking the drive and the passion to keep moving forward, doing all that I can to see it happen. It almost feels like a far away dream... And then there's this whole, everyone my dad talks to talks about the dangers in Thailand. Yes, this is mostly in Bangkok but their still friggin out. I keep telling my dad that the safest place to be is in the Lord's will but I can't help but have doubts. I pray constantly, Lord is this Your will? Because I will shut this door if it's not." But a few days ago when I woke up I had this vision of this girl going down this path. She knows it's what the Lord wants her to go down so she keeps walking forward. Then all of a sudden the surroundings on the path completely change. It's not what she expected. She has two options: she can either turn around and run back and take another path or she can walk forward confidently with what she knows her Father has for her. She decides to keep walking forward on the Truth she knows. Then she comes up to a road that diverges off the main road she is taking. And the Lord was speaking to me because I realized that He has done this time and time again in my past. I know the path He has me on is His but then everything changes and it's not what I expect. He'll either confirm that it is the right path or He'll diverge the road and tell me to take it from the road I was already on.
So as I was battling these thoughts I was texting Hannah about it. As I was texting Hannah I get a text from Monica which is a forward but a really good one! Part of it said, "...Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love...lift her up when she needs you the most and let her know when she walks with you, she will always be safe....do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move yours. Lord, whatever you're doing in this season, don't do it without me!" The Lord is SO GOOD and He is so timely!!!
I know that He wants me to keep moving forward with confidence. No matter how scary or how many people say I shouldn't do it, I need to be confident in where the Lord is taking me. I know that there are some crazy things going on in Thailand, but I KNOW that if it's God's will then it's the safest place I cold ever be. Ashton told me this quote a few days back said by a missionary: "We are immortal until our time on earth is done." So, why worry?!
Man, He's teaching me that I don't need to be at the Honor Academy to learn so many lessons, I just need to be seeking HIM!
:)
1 comment:
Amanda this is awesome! Wow. a lot of the things God is teaching you, He is speaking to me about.. so good. And I can relate about having pent up passion! Gahh, I don't know how to channel it :)
Awesome. Thanks for writing.
Chelsea
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