yooooo

I don't really have much to say. I just feel like typing to see myself think.

I think it's better to feel than be numb. Even if feeling means you hurt. I'm learning that. I think people allow themselves to go into depressions because it's so much easier to not feel anything than to feel what they're feeling.

But I say go ahead and feel. Not to let your feelings overtake you instead of truth, but to allow yourself to feel rather than being numb to everything going around you.

I'm teaching myself to feel. I've never allowed myself to feel, or at least show others that I feel. I've always been either the pushover or the one that cares too much. Because I care for others so much I put them over my feelings. So much so that while at the Honor Academy, a friend asking me what I wanted caught me off guard. I went around that question in every way I possibly could. I never ask myself what I want. I ask myself what other people need. I ask myself what other people want. I ask myself what God wants from my life (which is good, but it normally leads to sacrifice in some way or fashion and He desires obedience over sacrifice). I ask myself what is rational, what my head thinks. But I never ask myself what I want.

I just don't know how to handle that question. I mean, how do you? It's never been about me. That's been my life purpose. So much so that I don't allow myself to show my feelings. I learn that when I have a status that shows when I'm angry or sad, I have to delete it. There is something in me that can't even hint how I'm feeling.

So...there's that. I just feel like showing that I don't have it all together. I'm a mess but God is working in me. I hurt and I feel. I just need to be ok with that and allow it.

So that's where I am. I sometimes wonder if I should write so much vulnerability in a blog! Especially one that goes straight to Facebook! Hah!

I guess I had something to say.