If you had talked to me a few months, let alone, a few weeks ago about Thailand, I would have been in one of two places. I would have either shrugged off the question, saying something like, "I'm working on it...it's been a slow process, we'll see what happens." or you would have caught me in a vulnerable spot and I would have spilled my worry and distress.
I will be frank, in preparing for Thailand my heart has been all over the place. On the one hand logistically everything was really going slowly and I was wondering if it would ever happen. On the other, as Oswald Chambers put it, I was "daydreaming after God has spoken". Daydreaming can consist of a whole bunch of things. It can be full of dreams of what it will be like while there, it can be full of worries of the process and while over there, or it can be full of dreams or thoughts of throwing in the towel and choosing different paths. It actually can also be full of the weight of the dream which can, in turn, crush you & make you not want to try for fear of failing.
I have definitely experienced all of these daydreams. They have paralyzed me, distracted me, and fed me lies. But thank the Lord He is faithful even when we're not! Praise Him who leads us when all that we're doing is holding on by our pinky! He knows our hearts and even when our heart plays the harlot He picks us back up in the second our gaze turns back to Him.
And thanks be to Him who helps us learn to trust. Oswald Chambers said, "Daydreaming after God has spoken is an indication that we do not trust Him." He has been showing me where my trust lies. When we worry it shows a lack of trust. That's why Matthew 6 talks about not worrying and how the Bible also teaches us to not be anxious about anything, but with prayer and petition make your requests to the Lord and the peace that surpasses all understand will GUARD your heart and mind in Christ Jesus our Lord! The peace will guard our heart and mind against the attacks of pointless daydreams! Proverbs 4:23 says that we should guard our hearts for it is the wellspring of our lives! And how do we guard our hearts? With the peace that comes from knowing and trusting our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!! It's such a beautiful thing, but it's a process, that's for sure.
How do you learn to trust someone? You get to know them! You get to know their character and what makes them, them. You also must be vulnerable. To trust and to love at all is to be vulnerable. Sometimes I assume being vulnerable with God is much easier than being vulnerable with an actual person because God knows everything about you, right? But I find that it's not the case. Yes, the Lord knows everything about you, but have you been free to share it with Him? We've all heard that Jesus is a Gentleman. He's not going to break down the door or wall unless you ask Him to...yeah, He may bring you to places and situations that will scream for you to notice the door or wall that is between you and Him but He's not going to break it down unless you welcome Him and understand your complete reliance on Him in that area.
I think He shows me over and over lessons on Trust because it's so hard for me to trust or allow people in. I first need to learn to trust Him with my heart, my future, my everything, and then I will learn to fully trust others with those things in the given time for each. (I am not rock solid, no worries, I trust people...but at times it's hard for me to let people in, that's all :))
I'm just thankful that He never lets go...I'm thankful for the moments where He fills us with such peace that truly guards our hearts and minds. I feel that I have broken new ground in the last week because I have broken new ground with Him. When He brings us through things we are given His eyes because we can look back, finally, and see what He saw all along. I'm thankful for the opportunities He's giving me in the weeks I have left before Thailand. I'm so thankful to be apart of something bigger than myself and therefore see things in fresh new ways. I'm thankful for reconciliation and a settled heart in Him, no matter what. I'm thankful for Him whom we can trust no matter where He takes us or where He leads. His love makes it worth it all.
Thank you all who have helped in prayer and finances so far. I don't think you quite understand how much your prayers have meant...well until you read this blog. ;) I am just full of love and joy for the graciousness of our Lord Jesus who lives in each of you to give you such a gracious heart to help me! It's just swell, so thanks! ;)
It may be a long road to fully trusting but I'm excited for the journey that will lead me there!
No comments:
Post a Comment